poochie

The Seventh Day of Crapmas

Yesterday we featured a baseball card that had a tiny swatch of game used baseball pants. Maybe that wasn’t good enough for you, since a 1×1 patch of pants could have easily come from Johnny Mac’s; you want the REAL ASS THING.

You want the full-on jersey that you can rock to all of your games on the LaRussa Pack, followed by a post-game skankfest at Hrabosky’s. Well, I have quite the selection for you.

It’s pretty much a given that no lady in their right mind would turn down a man with a 1990 Bryn Smith game used jersey:

bsmith

 

Hopefully you like 46 year old ladies who dig beards and 84 mph heaters. I could probably ask some of my friends who didn’t get a D and C- in their Econ classes for a cost analysis here, but I’m going to make an assumption and say that dropping $495 on this bad boy means that you shouldn’t be allowed to have money any more.

 

You should be put on some kind of government program where you work your regular job, and all your money goes to paying necessary bills and groceries. You have shown society that you have no ability whatsoever to handle monetary responsibilities. Your common sense is non-existent…and as a wise Corey Spinks once said, “you must don’t know nothin’ ’bout buying baseball jerseys.”

If you thought eBay listings for Cardinal game worn jerseys couldn’t get any worse, the same seller has this 1989 Icky Horton out there:

horton

The Buy It Now price is $795! I don’t even know what to say to that – and it would be a waste of breath anyway, since no one likes Ricky Horton that much, including his family and Jesus. (What jersey would Jesus wear to a Cardinal game? A personalized jersey seems too cocky for the JC. But he wouldn’t like to play favorites and single out a certain player either. Hmm, that might be a future post).

And last, but definitely least. A game used jersey of this fucking guy (with a funny description from the seller):

tino

A FAN FAVORITE – HIGHLY SOUGHT AFTER RARE TINO MARTINEZ CARDINALS JERSEY – NO RESERVE
YOU ARE BIDDING ON A RARE 2002 – 03 ST LOUIS CARDINALS TINO MARTINEZ GAME USED JERSEY
THIS WAS BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT IT IS FROM 2003 AND POSSIBLY COULD BE FROM SPRING TRAINING
MUST HAVE FOR ANY GAME USED COLLECTOR – TEAMS HE PLAYED FOR MARINERS YANKEES CARDINALS DEVIL RAYS
4 X WORLD SERIES CHAMPION – 2 X ALL STAR – 1997 SILVER SLUGGER – 1997 HOME RUN DERBY CHAMP


If by “A Fan Favorite” you mean “The Guy We All Wanted To Set On Fire For Two Straight Years”…then yes, he was quite the fan favorite. Oh and none of those accomplishments in blue were done in a Cardinal uniform, assclown. Thanks for the reminder.

Instead of the jersey, I’d actually pay a lot to own the big sack of money we sent with Tino down to Tampa Bay. I hope it was $6 million in pennies. DeWitt should have put a note like this on the Busch Stadium jumbotron after the trade:

(YEAAYYYYY!

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