pujolsbitesricky

2 + 2 = Omigod, We Are So Screwed

If you know me at all — and it’s safe to say you don’t — then you know I’m not prone to dramatics over baseball. While other fans start their analysis and hand-wringing in April, I’m reading “Baseball Prospectus,” ordering slutty Cardinals shirts from the Alyssa Milano line, and advising haters to calm the hell down.

It’s a long season. Promising players get the yips and flame out, or live their seasons out on the disabled list. Down-and-out teams come back after the All-Star Break and make a bid for the wildcard. Clubs heavy with scrappy white boy jobbers and pitching has-beens win the World Series.

So historically I’ve maintained an otherwise-uncharacteristic Pollyanna-like attitude about the Cardinals, but this year I am, for the first time, losing my shit early. Let’s break it down in this simple mathematical proof:

Prove: The Cardinals are fucking this season away.

Statements

Support

We cannot consistently win games against shit teams like the Cubbies, Brewers, and Pirates.

See: August results.

Sure Brandon Phillips is a bit of a dick, but the Reds are a legitimate threat.

See: August results.

Sweeping the Reds, while satisfying, does not a division championship make.

See: Rules of addition, subtraction.

Our management wastes money and energy on ineffective “solutions.”

See: Acquisitions of Suppan and Feliz; routine verbal fellatio on tools like Miles.

Seriously, we lost to the Pirates last night.

See: And not my high school baseball team, which has a mean offense.

When Pujols leaves for the Yankees, I will hunt you down, Johnny Mo.

See: Urban Dictionary: “Shit the bed.”

Therefore: The Cardinals are fucking this season away.


Math doesn’t lie, son. If the Cardinals don’t pull it together fast, we are so screwed.

Photo Collage: The Pharaoh.

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