5 Lessons Learned From Las Vegas

Perhaps there are worse things in the world, but for lily-white prepsters, the Monday after Las Vegas has to bang the top of the list.

The dehydration. The sleep-deprivation. The insatiable hunger that’s been building from a diet of booze and booze all weekend. It’s all coming to a head in your body right now and it’s like an Iraqi gas mask to your SOUL.

Note to mom- do not look up Iraqi gas mask on Urban Dictionary.

Las Vegas is also a place of great learning. Every trip you can uncover new layers of… well, whatever you’re into. So what knowledge did we gain from this past weekend?

Five Things:

Whatever your budget for a weekend trip is- double it. And be comfortable if you triple it. These people are paid huge amounts of money to figure out ways to suck the cash out of you and are excellent at it. You DO have a weakness and they WILL figure it out and exploit it mercilessly.

This ‘Party Pit’ concept is dangerous. The standard set up is simple: build a circle of blackjack tables, stick a stage for two pole dancers in the middle of it. Bring out some hot lady dealers and turn up the music real loud. GO! It’s hard enough to stick to a decent strategy just playing cards. But throw in all this other stimulation and you’re no match, man. You are NO match. By my count, ever casino sans Wynn and Bellagio had these areas.

Just get the bottle service. I know, 470 dollars for a bottle of liquor is like sleeping with a bullfrog- simply not acceptable. But if you have a group of 4 or more… you will actually SAVE money doing this. 50 bucks to get in a club and 16 dollar drinks add up. Plus, if you’re a guy, you can actually, you know, get in.

The guys that are passing out the hooker flyers have learned a bit of English. One sentence to be exact- ‘Shut up, Mang.’ It used to be you could bust these guys’ balls without a word being said. But do anything other than grab their cards and they’ll tell you to ‘Shut up, Mang.’ It’s so cute, you almost want to see what Sadie is up to for $35 dollars later. Ahhh, if they only looked like Sadie.

Side to #4: When asked why don’t you guys spread out a little bit instead of standing in packs of like 20, one frisky porn peddler bellowed “Shut the HELL up, Mang.” Sore spot, I suppose.

Don’t be an asshat at the tables. I don’t think anyone expects you to know every situation on a blackjack table. And we all make mistakes. But when 4 other people are telling you to stay, we’re not just fucking with you- YOU NEED TO STAY! If that 10 spot out on the felt is a life of death situation, then go ahead and feel free to go home. Otherwise, listen to the table. We know what we’re doing.

Other things to note: It was as busy a weekend as I’ve ever seen in Las Vegas. But the books weren’t packed with people watching NCAA games. So do people just use that as an excuse to go and then forget basketball when the games start?… City Centre was banking on people flocking to the Elvis crap they’ve got going on. But by my rudimentary polling, Vegas newbies don’t really know what CC is or want to go there to see it. They need to step up the marketing in a different direction to get the casual interest higher… Time for a makeover of the Casers’ book. The audio was terrible and the picture on their screens wasn’t much better… Mirage buffet levels holy war levels of terror on white kids intestines. Stay away… Could be this weekend, but the free booze train seems to be harder and harder to board. I wouldn’t be surprised if in the next 5 years, you have to be a players club member or some other BS to get a free cocktail. Just seems like everyone is colluding to get people to pay for the booze. My opinion only… I never even glanced at the Cardinals WS odds for 2010. I meant to. But I spaced on that… Coach Mac did survive. Barely…

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