5 Things We Hate About World Cup 2010

5 Things We Hate About the World Cup:

I’ve been enjoying the hell out of this World Cup, don’t get me wrong. But these 5 changes need to be made ASAP. Unfortunately, most of them are so ubiquitous, they won’t be.

Guys grabbing their heads in disbelief when they miss a header/kick in the box and the ball sails wide of the goal. Pal- not every time you get a body part on it, is it the chance of a lifetime. They know the camera cuts to their face and they feel like they need a reaction. When Kobe misses a shot he doesn’t grab his head in disbelief. When Peyton Manning misses a wide open pass, he doesn’t raise his arms up and scream to the heavens. Fucking compose yourself, man.

The flopping. I promise you this… America is a lot of things, but we aren’t fucking floppers. So you want to know why soccer isn’t as big here as it is everywhere else? HERE’S WHY. We love the NFL and MMA because when those cats go down, they went down for a reason. If they’re laying on the playing field, we expect 6-8 week absences and protest groups on how their sport is too violent. No offense, but if this is how the rest of the world plays sport- then I’m not worried about our lone superpower status vanishing anytime soon. Pusswads.

The hyperbole. Yesterday’s NZA v ITA draw was called one of the biggest upsets in World Cup history. You know what? It wasn’t. New Zealand did a great job to get a point… but THEY DIDN’T WIN. They tied. An upsetting outcome for the Italians? Yes. An ‘upset’? Fuck and No. A tie is a tie is a tie. And if you’re going to have them, then you’re going to have to BEAT the better team to be labeled and ‘upset’. End of story.

The Vuvuzela complaining. People, they’re not going away. And any and all jokes about this plastic horn are more worn out then a 5 day old Lenno monologue. If this is the extent to which you’re involved in this World Cup, then politely STFU and do something else. If you wanted to trade your life with an African, I’ll arrange that for you. I’m sure you’d find a couple volunteers to give up their Vuvuzela for your minivan. Until then…

David Beckham. AKA the brooding brit. AKA the male Kardashian. His sour puss is the iconic symbol of World Cup 2010 so far, which is upsetting on so many different levels.

Bonus!

1 Thing We Love About the World Cup:

France’s national meltdown.  Effin’ frogs.

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