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March Fatness: An Ode To Dudes On The Couch

Settle in big boy, the best four-day span of the year is upon us (unless you go to that place in Nevada to spend a long weekend boozing and playing with those stripper ladies I’ve heard so much about).

By now, this probably isn’t the first time you’ve been glued to the television for March Madness, completely ignoring your special lady and kids for 96 hours straight – unless they’re gambling on this thing too. So I’m not here to give you tips on what foods to consume (Little Caesars are sprouting up everywhere, just sayin’), what teams to look out for (Siena!), who’s got the hottest cheerleaders (M-I-Z…just kidding), or what Cardinals Baseball blog you should only click on from here to eternity (hmm, can’t find a good one). But I am here to take you on a little photographic journey.

A timeline of my relationship with the NCAA Tournament, couches, fatty food and booze…

My dad – 1980. Before I was conceived and ruined this luxurious lifestyle:

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Me in 1987, waiting for Bobby Knight to punch someone. Plus there was an Alf marathon on the night before, so I was a little worn out.

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1992 – Right before Laettner hit that shot, I put on my lucky spandex bike shorts. And I haven’t taken them off since.

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1999 – Khaki shorts were popular, thanks to those catchy Gap commercials. Too bad they didn’t stay khaki after 17 Taco Bell Chalupas, 8 Bean and Cheese Burritos, and 6 Double Deckers (along with that blasted Taco Neck Syndrome) during the first weekend of the tournament.

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2001-2004 – I didn’t know they played basketball the years I was in college. Must have been busy dude…

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2006 – The college party days were over, and I had to start dedicating 40 hours a week to something called a “job.” The bright side is that I never stopped coming up with new inventions and ideas.

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2008 – NOOO! Whoever introduced you to Guitar Hero is the devil. Watch basketball, me! There’s gambling to focus on!

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2009 – Times were tough way back then. Market crash. Everyone lost their jobs. I can’t believe how I got through that.

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Lisa Ann? How’d that get in here?

 

2010 – I think this is how they do it at JoeSportsFan (separate couches for Hooks and I, thank you):

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2013 – I’m 32 years old, halfway to 33. Still look pretty hot, but I’ve learned that it’s too hard to get those Cheetos stains out of a wife-beater, so just quit trying.

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Outtakes:

Is this the same fat kid from picture #2? Wake up fatboy! You keep passing out when there’s still a shitload of food on the table!

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Girls fart on each other’s heads when they’re passed out? Awesome.

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The End.

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