Bold STL Cardinal Predictions Sure to Happen in 2010

We are not jerking your johnson… It’s OPENING DAY!

This afternoon your St. Louis Cardinals will take the field against the Cincinnati Doormats and start the long grind for a NL Central championship. Walt Jocketty is still a Cardinal fan, I’m convinced. Obviously he can’t admit it and obviously he hates Bill DeWitt’s guts… but deep down he’s rooting against the team he put together because he knows how much it means in St. Louis.

In Cincinnati, they’re more concerned with things like gag balls, meth and unfortunately timed pregnancies. So a baseball game here or there is more of a nuisance than the dawning of summer.

If you want some beefy Bleacher Report goodness about what will take place in STL next Moday, check out this article: LINK HERE

If you want to see how dead on I was about who you needed to be watching in Spring Training to see how accurate I can be when spewing this shit out, check out this one: LINK HERE

Since we’re all here and we’re all queer, let’s toss out some predictions for 2010 that are sure to miss the mark.

  • Team Wins: 94
  • HR’s: Albert Pujols (42)
  • Wins: Adam Wainwright (20)
  • Hits: Matt Holliday (217)
  • RBI’s: Matt Holliday (121)
  • Steals: Brendan Ryan (15)
  • Walks: Skip Shumaker (77)
  • John Goodman Game Apperances: 2
  • Rainouts: 4
  • TLR Ejections: 4
  • ERA: Chris Carpenter (2.48)
  • Saves: Ryan Franklin (25)
  • K’s: Brad Penny (140)
  • Team BA RISP: .289
  • NL MVP: Matt Holliday
  • NL Cy Young: Adam Wainwright
  • Games you’ll be at: 9

So there you go. Expect Matt Holliday to start out in an epic slump. And a monsoon in May.

I’ll be honest and say that if the Cardinals don’t make the playoffs, 2010 is a massive failure. Face it- we can’t crown their asses without playing a single inning… but this team is not constructed for moral victories. Please assume that all commentary on the CD this season will be shown through that prism. We’re not looking to pull any punches here- the Cardinals should be good, if not great. They should be favored in 90% of the games they play. They should not win less than 90 games.

And so the story begins.

PS: It looks like Wilson went all in on their ad budget to get personalized neck protectors for umps this year. How’d you like to be in that marketing meeting?

You’re too old to try that.

 

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