Five Things About The New Kid

Ed Note:

Cards Diaspora is filling a gap in coverage that we’ve had for some time. We’ve hired a person that wasn’t born with a penis… that’s right, an actual girl.

Seriously.

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Judging by the reaction by some people to our ‘Ogle Thy Enemy’ series… this girl better be ready.

Hopefully you’ve noticed that our roster of writers is growing. HMW is contrbuiting on a regular basis now and FWC, while not exactly churning pieces out at a record clip, is helping form ideas and hopefully will get the urge to post more as the season wears on. But we’re all idiot men. We needed to start to balance that out.

We will call her Trumbsy and you will like her. If you want to read some of what she’s been working on in the past, visit THIS LINK

Yes. She lives in Chicago. Yes. She hates the Cubs.

Play nice and look forward to her on the site early and often.

Five Things About the New Kid

1. I’m a Cardinals fan.  One might think this is redundant considering this is, in fact, a Cardinals blog.  However, I consider myself to be an unlikely baseball fan to begin with.  I’ve never been a softball player, never been considered a tomboy and by all accounts, have never had any discernable hand eye coordination or translatable athletic abilities.  My early childhood was spent doing all sorts of girly stuff that had no relation to sports, unless you count the time my sister and I “figure skated” on rollerblades in our garage. My interest in baseball was therefore rather unprecedented and probably didn’t really develop until after high school. However, this is not to say that the seeds hadn’t been planted, as several of my earliest childhood memories took place at the old Busch Stadium.  Now, a pilgrimage to St. Louis is a family tradition I’m happy to recognize annually.  It’s often my favorite weekend of the summer, largely because my Dad acts like he won the lottery every time we’re there.

2.  I’m a girl and being a female sports fan has a handful of advantages. (Just ask Erin Andrews. Stalkers? Dancing with the Stars? LUCKY!!!)  The primary benefit for me is in business meetings when the conversation inevitably turns to how god awful the Cubs bullpen is or how Ozzie Guillen ate another infant child.  It’s nice to be able to participate, rather than practice my kegels and think about Sex and the City, or whatever it is that Bob from legal assumes the womenfolk preoccupy themselves with during these discussions.  Plus, unlike the non-baseball gals at my company, I have clients take me to games sometimes, which I think we can all agree is a fantastic excuse to avoid doing real work.

3.  I live in Chicago.  I’ve been here for almost six years now and I love nearly everything about this city.  Yet every spring, I’m reminded of all the reasons why I sometimes want to bludgeon legions of my fellow Chicagoans to death with a tire iron.  Let’s just say that the “Cardinals take it in the Pujols” jokes don’t get any funnier after the 967th time you’ve heard them.  Plus, it’s become obvious over the years that Cubbie fans don’t know how to translate traffic signals or navigate crosswalks. It’s pandemonium around here on game days, which means GOOD LUCK to the rest of us civilians just trying to go about our daily business.  Granted, this isn’t so much the fans’ fault as it is the city planners who neglected to think of where Jerry McDickface from Schaumburg is supposed to park when they made the decision to plop Wrigley Field directly in the middle of a goddamn residential neighborhood, but still…the GALL!

4.  I detest the Cubs.  “This is the year”, my ass.  Sweet holy mother of god, I could live another 20 lifetimes without hearing that phrase and it would still not be enough.  Are you people completely out of your minds?  You can’t just go around throwing out aggressive predictions willy nilly like you’re a goddamn fortune teller, especially after 101 straight years of being WRONG.  However, I swear every living soul on the Northside bleats this incessantly every spring as if it were A MATHEMATICAL CERTAINTY!  A Cubs World Series Championship does not apparently have to be based on what the team accomplishes in the regular and post season. Ohhhh, no, that shit is preordained! It’s WRITTEN IN THE STARS!!!!  Their blinding optimism both astounds and terrifies me.

5.  If I had to name my top five least favorite athletes, Carlos Zambrano would probably take all five spots.  See, he and I have just never really gotten along, which I attribute mostly to him being a big huge baby. Oh, the whining and complaining! What on earth are you bitching about NOW, Carlos? It’s always something with that guy. Now, you listen up, bucko!  You get paid a bazillion dollars a year to stand on a pile of dirt for a half hour every few days. Jerry McDickface from Schaumburg who gets paid $12 an hour to exterminate cockroaches for 40 hours a week does NOT feel sorry for you. And this is probably the one and only time I’m EVER going to agree with Jerry McDickface from Schaumburg.

All jokes aside, I’m thrilled to be able to contribute to the Cardinals Diaspora. I thank all of the guys here for the warm welcome and hope we can all make some beautiful memories together.

athooks

About athooks

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