5 Most Annoying Storylines In the Mark McGwire Revelation

December and January are rough for baseball-centric websites. It feels like months ago since the last real game and even further away from spring training. Free agents have either signed or will be waiting until late February to find a good fit.

It’s no-man’s-land for content and subsequently people pretty much no interest in your stupid little website.

Not this off-season. In fact, these past 3 weeks have been some of the best trafficked on the site in quite a while. I guess it helps with 2 huge national stories on the Cardinals break in that time and ESPN spending days whipping this dead horse. Over. And Over.

And a little bit more.

In today’s media age people get burned out far, far quicker.

I mean shit- how sick are you of this Mark McGwire story already? I can’t tell you how much sports talk I turned off during my commutes today, bristling at the mention of steroids. This story happened 3 days ago and I feel like every fucking dick weed in America has shot off some opinion on some aspect of this story.

Brian Williams. Keith Olbermann. Queen Latifah. Ok, maybe the Queen hasn’t said anything yet, but she’s fat and fat people always have an opinion on everything.

Why? Just Why?

It’s all so banal we had to skewer it, right? Yes. Yes we did.

THE 5 MOST ANNOYING STORYLINES of the MARK McGWIRE REVELATION

1) “But he didn’t admit that steroids helped him hit home runs.”

TRUTHFULLY?: Well no shit he didn’t admit that.  He can’t prove that steroids didn’t impact his stats. And you know what? You can’t prove it did. So shut the fuck up about it.

Let me blow your mind, Dr. Truth: some of the pitchers he was facing in 1998 were on the juice. In fact, if we got Jack Bauer involved, probably more than we’d feel comfortable knowing about were sticking needles in their ass and pitching to these jacked up hitters. EVERYBODY WAS ON IT. Big Mac just happened to be better at hitting than everybody else.

Now we want to see this guy crucified all over again because he believes steroids didn’t help his power all that month? Who made this argument up? Can we all agree that it’s the same asshole that argues semantics like: that house cat didn’t say no, so how is it rape? Well because the cat doesn’t speak English. You cat fucker.

2) “If he really wanted to get this off his chest, he should have done it 4 years ago in 2006 and not waited until he wanted to get back in baseball.”

TRUTHFULLY?: Dude. Have you seen his wife? She’s a 10. (And from Edwardsville!) Have you seen his house? It’s a mansion in SoCal so big you could live in closet. He didn’t ‘get this off his chest’ because he didn’t need to. He had a hot wife he was boning down in a huge house.

Now he wants to coach baseball. He knew the shit was going to keep coming until he came clean. He did. And now it’s going to go away. I’m not quite sure why this is even an issue. Are you the asshole that just blurts out any secret you’ve ever had without some sort of prompting? You asshole!

It’s pretty normal not to want a shit storm of bad publicity when you don’t have to have it. So why is it shocking he didn’t want it? Idiots.

3) “He’s still lying. Jose Canseco proved to be right on so many things, why is he still covering this up?”

TRUTHFULLY?: If you really care in what manner two muscle bound men took their pants off and pricked needles near each others assholes then you, sir, are gay.

Nope. Don’t fight it bro. You don’t want to hear the whole truth. You don’t pass this off as a referendum on McGwire’s truthfulness. You’re craving the man meat and you want a big order of tubesteak smothered in underwear.

Admit it. You’re playing for the other team. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

4) “His records should have an asterisk next to it.”

TRUTHFULLY?: When’s the last time you checked out the MLB Record Book at the library? Or looked at it online? Oh right. Never.

So what good is this asterisk going to do? You already don’t think McGwire or Bonds deserve to be considered a better HR single season hitter than Roger Maris? Well that’s all you really need.

Why crusade on this issue? What would it do that you aren’t already doing. It’s so stupid. So very stupid.

5) “The Cardinals are ruining their tradition by hiring this cheater.”

TRUTHFULLY?: Oh Christ. The Cardinals are one of the biggest pro-hire entities for steroid abusers in all of professional sports. They should sponsor a cycling team or something. It’s comical that anyone even thinks that by hiring Mark McGwire as a hitting coach is somehow tarnishing the Cardinals reputation.

You know what tarnishes a reputation? Softball fields masquerading as civic progress. That’s what.

If the Cardinals are that important to your life, I’d suggest getting a hooker. Or a noose. Not to kill yourself, but to constantly remind yourself what a knot you are.

Check. Mate.

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