The title pretty much speaks for itself, so I won’t drag this out with a long, unfunny intro. The only reason that I’m posting this is for the bacon bikini and snack food stadium. So there you go.
1000% Utterly Flamingly Ghey – Rice Krispie Treat Footballs
I’m going to be honest, those do look pretty good. Who doesn’t like Rice Krispie Treats? Especially chocolate ones, lined with icing.
Howevuh…if you bust these out at your Super Bowl party, that’s it, you’re done being a man. If your wife/girlfriend makes them, hope to God that the “Aw, she’s just being cute” bit works. But if you make them, or even buy them at the store, you should be strapped to a chair upstairs in your closet, two feet away from a TV with Bravo on, and a picture of a shirtless David Hasselhoff needs to be taped to your chest. And when your friends snap a bunch of pics of you, make sure they send them to us.
David Beckham – Sandwiches and Veggie Tray
Sandwiches can be eaten for a week six game, or uh, for lunch on a Tuesday. And I’ll let it slide for a quick Super Bowl appetizer at 3 o’clock. But don’t let sandwiches be the main focus of your spread. If it’s not greasy and fried, you’re doing it all wrong. Greasy and fried, or don’t host.
And do I need to explain how gay a veggie tray is at your Super Bowl party? I do? Okay, it’s Perez Hilton and Adam Lambert cuddled up in front of a fireplace, admiring their autographed Orleans album cover, well…eating a cucumber off each other’s veggie trays.
Paul Rudd – Big Ass Pot of Cheese
Paul Rudd fits right in the middle of this spectrum. Nothing overly manly, but no fruits and vegetables either. That’s what Cheese Dip is. It’s always solid and no one should ever complain (assuming you make enough). Also, the Cards Diaspora Board of Directors highly recommend that some kind of meat (chili/hamburger/etc) is involved in the dip for it to meet our standards of excellence.
Speaking of recommendations, I’d pick up a GQ or Sports Illustrated on the way home, so you’ve got something to keep you occupied when the inevitable half-hour trip to the bathroom happens.
Rick Ankiel – A Couple Hot Chicks Wearing Bacon Bikinis
I could only see Rick Ankiel pulling this off with the only cost being the bacon. I’m sure there are services out there that let you decorate their ladies in food, but they can be expensive. Within Rick Ankiel’s female network of friends (also known as his “network of friends” since let’s face it, if you were Rick Ankiel, would you hang out with guys?), there are countless women who’d line up to be covered in delicious pig meat for free, then thrown out in the dumpster when Rick is full.
(Side note: I can’t wait for an actress or musician to become famous in a few years, and some site comes out and exposes that she was a bacon bra or bacon bikini model back in 2009. You know it’ll happen eventually, and she’ll never hear the end of it once it comes out. Especially from me, one of her 5,000 future stalkers.)
The Rock – 100+ Chicken Wings
When you call up Imo’s, or Pizza Hurt, or Buffalo Wild Wings, etc – just the statement alone, “Hi, I’d like to order 120 chicken wings…” makes you the fuckin’ man. When the place has to make up their own price just to accommodate your needs, you’ve entered a new level of fatness, and I commend you for that.
Oh, and can I come over Sunday?
(Side note II: the RFT said BARcelona Tapas was their “Best Chicken Wings” winner in ’08. Can anyone give the scouting report, or did they pull a Yankees and buy that title?)
Chuck Norris Champion of the Universe – Snack Food Stadium
This concoction of 25,000 calories hit Holy Taco a year or two ago. Twinkies and bacon line the stadium wall. What more do you need? Other than Stygar Funeral Home’s phone number.
I’d also pimp this one on Break.com, since it’s very professionally-made and contains 110,000 calories(!!). Unfortunately their video pooped on my FireFox, and I had to re-write most of this article, so fuck them.
So where do you fit in? Don’t disappoint us.