Play Like A Cardinal: The NEW Rules

Believe it or not, this site does not fully support 5 people’s financial obligations to ‘The Man’. It is not a cash cow secreting greenbacks. Nor a money tree shedding dollar bills gently to the ground. I wish it was, but to the best of my knowledge, Rick Reilly is the only one that gets millions of dollars to mail it in this bad.

Sorry we didn’t have any new crap for you to barely skim over and then immediately forget yesterday. We screwed the pooch. We PLAYED LIKE A CARDINAL!

READ ISTL ON HOW THE STLCARDS ARE SPINELESS HERE

Play like a Cardinal, I’m guessing, was a marketing creation designed to show the world that baseball players are lazy money grubbing pricks… but the Cardinals? Noooooo. They have INTEGRITY! As long as they can walk your grandmother across the street and save your baby from a burning house, they’ll practically play for free. Money? Oh, you mean we get PAID for this? Shucks. Didn’t even realize!

Unforntualty, the pie-eyed optimism of the marketers didn’t dovetail perfectly with what we’re actually seeing. In fact, I think it’s time to splay out what ‘Playing Like A Cardinal’ actually means.

The New Play Like A Cardinal Rules:

1) Whatever you do… don’t care. If you have emotion and care- you’re fucking out and Flip Lopez is IN. Being a Cardinal means being stone faced and flippant to the end of the game. You got your ass whupped by an awful team? Who cares. Not you. You don’t give a single shit, let alone two. Just remember that game counted as a paycheck and you’ll be OK.

2) Speaking of suck ass teams… you need to lose to them. Lots. You need to have mercy on the meek and turn average pitchers into Bob Gibson incarnates. Blow saves late, lay down early, implode in the 5th- it doesn’t matter. Just go down early and often.

3) Coast. Lot’s of season left. No need to panic. You’ve got a whole 5 weeks left in this sucker. You got this. Until you don’t. Then please refer to item 1.

4) Love men. Deeply and passionately. Because when you don’t have a nut sack, you’re not going to get any woman even if you want to. So get close with your teammates, if need be. Get very close.

5) Don’t listen. Managers, agents, GM’s- they’re all blowhards. They have no idea the horrors of making millions of dollars to hit a ball with a stick for 1/3 of the year. They can blow a goat. You know what you’re doing and their suggestions are just awful.

6) Win just enough to keep people pissed. Don’t lose to every team all the time. Every once in a while, win 3 games in a row and look like a 150 million payroll with 2 Cy Young and 2 MVP candidates should. Then, when everyone is in a later and the fans are ready to really get behind you… refer to item 2.

7) Attend divisive political rallies in the middle of a slump that’s submarining your season. That sounds like a good idea, right? Well it’s because IT IS! DO IT! Palin in 2012 all the way! TEAHHHHH PARTAYYYYYY!

There you have it kids. Play Like A Cardinal.

No Friday Links today because they all went into the ether that is the Internet on accident without being posted. They’ll be back bigger and better than ever next week. Unless we get bored tomorrow, then we might have some Saturday postin’.

athooks

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