Surprising Parallels Between Cardinals Game & The Bachelorette

About the time Randall Winn decided to help a home run over the right field fence was about the time I decided it was time to start the much anticipated 2 hours of this week’s Bachelorette. Even though I knew via assholes that want to spoil everything on the Internet Bachelorette chat rooms and message boards… or so I’ve heard.

Thanks to the masochists that can’t turn off a STL Cards came no matter how bad their getting whipped,  I was able to watch the final play of the game where Arizona forced their 15 remaining fans into submission by throwing the ball into spaces where other Diamondbacks were not.

In retrospect, Monday’s game fell perfectly in line with the story arc of the Bachelorette.

Behold!

+ 1st Inning: The Cardinals take advantage of an early throwing error by Dan Haren and put the heat on the D-Backs early. With a 2-0 lead after 1, we’re all pretty confident that this is going to be a good game for the Cards.

- 1st 20 minutes: Justin is outed as the cheater! Not only does the guy get called the F out in front of everybody. But his GF throws him under the bus by giving ABC his voice mails busting out every lie he tells Ali. This was preceded by Justin climbing through fountains with a broken foot to avoid a 5’4′ 110 pound blond girl. Did I mention he’s a pro wrestler? Biggest pussy every? Biggest pussy ever.

+ 2nd-5th inning: We get the pitcher’s duel that we expected, as Chris Carpenter and Dan Haren look like 2 of the best pitchers in the NL. Which they are. Guys are swinging freely and Carp/Haren are hitting their spots with consistency.

- 20-60 minutes: When you start out on fire, it’s only natural that whatever comes next is a bit of letdown. Ali is still steamed, but has a one on one date with Ty, the Tennessee cowboy who came on strong last week by riding horses good. And stuff. A visit to a Turkish bath leads to heavy petting and me never wanting to ever, ever set foot in a Turkish bath. Followed by a dinner where Ali re-hashes Ty’s divorce and lays the groundwork for this to be the reason she dumps him in the final 4.

+ 6th-8th inning: The wheels come off for the Cardinals. Adam LaRoche pokes a Carpenter mistake over the RF fence, while Randy Winn loses his glove trying to catch the ball. This was foreboding. Then, Dan Haren takes a ride on the ya-ya train the following inning to give the D-Backs the lead for the first time.  In the 8th, Mark Reynolds hit a lazy pop fly to RF… that hit Randy Winn’s glove and went over the fence. 5-2 DBacks and things aren’t looking promising for the Birds.

- 60-100 minutes: Time for a solo date! Should we draw straws? Nah. How about flipping a coin? Un-uh. half-naked wresting in the one green grass patch in Turkey? Winner winner, chicken dinner. Good Lord, are they trying to convince me that I’m gay. It’s bad enough all the crying and shit. But really? We have to have this sweaty grappling? In the end, Craig, who looks like a kind of cuddly neanderthal wins. Surprisingly, he doesn’t have much to say on the date.

+ 9th inning: Dan Haren tries to close out the Cardinals, but through a mix of terrible defense and luck from the home side, the Cardinals pull off a 6-5 come from behind win when Adam Wainwright crossed the plate on a wild throw home. Don’t ask. Pujols seemed to be approximately at the pitchers mound when Root Beer slid across the plate… this guy wants to win worst than anyone. Ever.

- 100-120 minutes: Ali dismisses the requisite cocktail party and claims she knows who to dismiss. Much like Haren, though, she has trouble finishing the job and is reduced to tears before letting Craig go and ending the game.  To his credit, Craig seems to take the fact that she wanted to get right to the cutting of his ass well… until the limo ride through the Turkish countryside where he broke down in tears. How these guys have any male friends that don’t want to jam their jimmy’s in other men is beyond me.

Haters gone hate. But I don’t think you can deny that not only was last night’s Cardinals game an exact parallel of The Bachelorette… now YOU have to watch it to so we can talk about it next week!

athooks

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