Skip this article completely if you don’t watch the Bachelorette or you are a repressed homosexual that can’t fathom a sporting blog would write a 1100 word expository on one the great television shows of our time and insticnticly feel the need to crack gay jokes at such a piece to feel comfortable knowing your hetero relationship is a sham on par with Don and Betty Draper nee whatever it is now.
One slept with two guys in 48 hours and was about to make it 3 in 72 before Frank begged off a TV show. The other (perhaps) created Facebook, a mildly popular social networking site. On the surface, these two shouldn’t have anything in common, but in reality TV all things are possible. And the richest man under 30 in America inadvertently turned Ms. Fedotowsky into America’s sweetheart by ruling his company with a Stalin-esque brutality when it comes to personal time.
Last year during filming for ‘The Bachelor’ Ali was one of the 25 women competing for the love of Jake, a strapping asexual man that has the personality of a garden spade. Ali auditioned for the show on a whim, made the final cut and decided to take her full 2 week allotment of vacation from her job to pursue this intriguing opportunity.
Her employer? Facebook.
Much to her and our surprise, Ali felt some level of attraction to Jake. And after 2 weeks on the show, she had to choose. Leave Facebook and gamble on love. Leave love and ride the social media monolith. She chose wisely, leaving the Bachelor pad to go back to work. Jake said he was crushed. Nobody believed that he liked women. Or men.
Then Ali got back to Facebook and realized that love rules all. So she quit and went back to the house. Sort of. Because Jake didn’t really let her back because of the whole not wanting to make love with anyone but instead save all his sperm for the fateful day when he needs to impregnate the entire US to save the world from an eminent disaster. I have no doubt Jake has thoughts like this. At the end of the day, Ali was out of love and out of a job.
ABC pulled her off the ledge and made her the Bachelorette. CLICK READ MORE below to read the rest
On May 24, the network tapped a big keg of douche juice and let 25 men loose in a house to compete for the love of Ms. Fedotowky. It was an alarming experience, even by reality TV standards.
The Weatherman is the embodiment of every awkward moment you’ve ever had in a burgeoning relationship. Craig could have revealed himself as a serial collie molester and you would have not been surprised in the least. Rated X? Literally ran through gardens to avoid confrontation after being exposed as a serial cheater. He’s also a Canadian wrestler. Manners plus brawn!
And then there is Kasey. Words can’t do this guy justice, but try to imagine you’re on the Bachelorette. You’re pursuing a girl who is being wooed by 25 guys at the same time. You make it to the last 10, so you’re doing something right. But the girl is hinting around that you need to be a little less weird. Would you go out and get a tattoo about ‘guarding and protecting her heart’? No, you probably wouldn’t. But Kasey did. And then he got dumped on the top of a glacier in Greenland. I’m not sure where the producers found Kasey and I’m also not convinced he isn’t an actor that’s really, really convincing. Because I was genuinely scared he was going to hurt himself or others when he got dumped. Ali said as much in recent interviews.
From the onset, though, most reasonably intelligent observers of the Bachelorette could see that the path to the final 2 was heading towards Chris and Roberto. In recent weeks, I’ve been talked into Ali’s feelings for Frank being strong enough where he could have made the last 2 if he hadn’t dumped her after making the final 3… but that’s all conjecture. It was going to be a head to head showdown with Chris and Roberto. They knew it. Ali knew it. The producers sold it to us.
So tonight, it all goes down.
Teasers have promised that Ali’s decision ‘breaks all the rules’. So let’s play odds makers on what will happen:
2-1: She picks Roberto. She’s been smitten with the guy all season. Pretty much drooling on him every opportunity she has and saying stuff like ‘you’re so hot, I never would have approached you at a bar’. He’s got to be the betting favorite.
5-2: She picks Chris. Solid family guy. Slowly building a report. He’s willing to move for her pending shitty acting career. He’s a safe guy to hedge your love bet with. He’s probably also going someone you’ll be bored with in a couple of years. It’s fine line to walk between love and lust on this show. Lust usually wins (see: Vienna)
10-1: She picks both. Using some bullshit cop-out like ‘I’m so in love and confused, I can’t pick now. I need more time. I want to get married, but I just. Need. More. Time…. TEARS!’ I like this option as my long shot. It’s plausible and juicy. It’ll get all the gossip rags talking. Will Roberto wait? Is Chris man enough to make a power play? When do we get resolution?
15-1: She picks neither. Was she really in love with Frank? Does she get wet feet? Maybe we thought she wanted to find love, but now we know she’s the one not ready. We have precedent with a duel dumping… but for a women to do it to men would be spectacular!
100-1: She picks Frank. He wasn’t on the reunion show, meaning we don’t know what he’s been up to. Is it possible he flipped again and came back to Ali? Could she really be that bold to jettison the other two for her feelings with Frank? Is Frank really that big of a pimp? Probably not. But this would be the scenario that would melt the internet.
1,000-1: She marries both. Go polygamy!
10,000-1: She marries Chris Harrison. The host has been real touchy with Ali. More than in every other season. Does this mean anything? Did Chris make out with her after consoling her about Frank? Did Ali really have three men in 72 hours?
Tonight is the night we get resolution.
On the wings of love, we shall fly readers of the CD…. On the wings of love.