We’ve come to the end of the road.
The Bachelorette season final rumble of love is on. Chris, the good guy Vs Roberto, Satan’s spawn. Or at least the guy I’ve got money against. We handicapped the odds for these guys winning earlier today, but now were’ an hour away from the decision.
We’ve skipped past the family dates, since these guys know what they needed to do to win over mom and dad and both passed with flying colors. I’m not opposed to hiring actors to play the parents and just fucking with these guys for the hell of it. I mean, Chris and Roberto have been kissing Ali’s ass for 8 weeks now. What’s one afternoon with the parents? They don’t have 1/8 of the BS detector that Ali’s built up to this schmaltz at this point. They’re roadkill.
Cut to 1 hour mark. All reactions are in real time…
1:02– “I love going on machines that go really fast.” Ali, says.
1:05– Are we absolutely sure that Ali didn’t get implants before the finale? If not, whoever made that pink bikini should not only be extraordinarily wealthy come next summer, but if there is justice in the world, awarded a Presidential Medal of Freedom.
1:06– A torrential downpour ruins a picnic, but both Roberto and Ali agree that it’s the most romantic moment of their lives. Fuck. Looks like Chris is all but on life support at this point. I’ve been on the beach when it rains. And it sucks. Hard. These two are in the zone… my 20 dollar bet on Chris to win? All but gone at this point.
1:10– “I’ve never met a man like him my whole life. That’s how I describe you.” Again, fuck.
1:12– Roberto busts out their first picture with a written poem on the back? The BIG GUNS! If Chris is watching this and wondering how he didn’t win… I think this 5 minute stretch should make him feel better. You can’t beat MJ in his prime. Chris is Byron Russel’s ankle tonight.
1:16– We have an L Bomb. Ali’s heart is exploding out of her chest. She loves Roberto. She’s found everything she’s ever wanted. Did I miss the final rose ceremony? Has it already happened?
1:20– NO DATE FOR CHRIS!? Are you kidding me? Hell Roberto is Jordan, Pujols, Ruth and Unitas all in one. She doesn’t want to even leave Roberto? Roommate (also straight, PS) claims “she got a healthy hogging last night”. So did my wallet, friend.
1:23– I’ve been here, this sounds like a dumping… CLICK READ MORE below for the rest
1:25– Yes. That was a dumping. A very painful dumping. “I’m in love with someone else.”
1:29– Chris is devastated. He can barely talk. And we’ve got :30 minutes left? Either this is going to be the best ending of all time or the producers are really regretting letting Roberto get the first crack at that final date.
1:31– Ladies. The last thing a guy wants when he gets dumped is you putting your hands up our shirts. Just trust me on this one. Just leave. Say your piece an leave. No need to hang around. We will cry ourselves to sleep just fine. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told.
1:33– I don’t know Chris. Never met the guy. But I’m fairly confident that the parallels that Ali is drawing between herself and Chris’ deceased mother are not something anyone is really comfortable with.
1:35– Chris loves how Ali dumps him? Really? This guy is got to be getting women THROWING themselves at his feet the past few weeks. But as of right now, he might be the #1 bachelor in America. I mean, this guy, the rainbows? Roommate decides that he’s going to ‘believe in God more’. Chris is a miracle of a man.
1:42– I’ve watched Roberto for 8 weeks now and don’t get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy. But the way Ali talks, it can only mean one thing. HUGE… bank account.
1:44– The jeweler arrives. A pensive fellow. But very handy with a titanium briefcase.
1:46– Roberto threatens to not propose if he isn’t feeling it. He then hops in a cake centerpiece to ride to Ali.
1:53– They are dragging this out. Only question left is if Roberto proposes. That and if a good gust of wind catches his collar, will he fly away? Looks like the stylist’s budget was focused on the woman.
1:55– My God. That collar is large. That must be from the Jester line at Macy’s.
1:56– Roberto is a heavy sweater. I respect that about him.
1:57– Annnnd… we have an engagement. Roberto had a sight hesitation getting on that knee, but came up quick with the ring (with the sponsor’s label perfectly centered!)
1:58– Fuck. Elton John’s ‘Can You Feel The Love Tonight’? I’m not gay, right? Tell me I’m not gay. I’ve just opened YouPorn to make sure. Phew. Not gay. That was close.
2:00– Roommate wants to know if there is an Ali out there for me? I believe this to be true. She probably eats whole boxes of cereal at once too. Well, just as long as she never finds out about these last two posts. Keep your fingers crossed!