Apologies are the currency that steroid users in baseball trade in. Tearful, wistful, non-denial denials… just as long as the media has something to pin you down on- we want it. And we want it in short and pithy sound bites we can mock on the internet, on YouTube and on sports talk radio.
The Waterboy suggested compiling a compendium of apologies for the future steroid user. Done.
OFFICAL MLB STEROID APOLOGY COMEPENDIUM:
PERP: Andy Pettitte:
APOLOGY: Regretful, with a dash of unbelievable plausibility. Andy seems to be sorry, but also feels like’s he’s been labeled a crack head when he snorted coke in college. Twice. As far as he can remember.
“If what I did was an error in judgment on my part, I apologize. I accept responsibility for those two days.” He continued: “This is it — two days out of my life; two days out of my entire career, when I was injured and on the disabled list,” he said. “I wasn’t looking for an edge. I was looking to heal.”
PERP: Jason Giambi:
APOLOGY: Vague and silly. Holding a press conference to apologize, but not revealing what you are apologizing for can only happen in NY. You know, the same place Mike Piazza had a presser to announce he wasn’t gay.
“I feel I let down the fans, I feel I let down the media, I feel I let down the Yankees, and not only the Yankees, but my teammates.” He continued: “I know the fans might want more, but because of all the legal matters, I can’t get into specifics. Someday, hopefully, I will be able to.”
PERP: Rafael Palmerio:
APOLOGY: Blame shifting. He told Congress “I have never used steroids”, then tests positive for… steroids. Seems a bit contradictory and he’d love to tell you why, but for some reason he cant.
“I would love to tell what happened so everyone would understand.”“ Later Palmerio said: “I said what I said before Congress because I meant every word of it.”
PERP: David Ortiz:
APOLOGY: Ahh, the blame game. It wasn’t the juice that turned me from a journeyman in Minnesota to a superstar in Boston. No, it was the Vitamin Water.
“I’m not here to make excuses or anything, I want to apologize to the fans for the distraction, my teammates, my manager. We go into a situation now, it was a nightmare to me. I’m one of the guys, I think about the fans, it wouldn’t be as good as it is without the fans. People look at me as a guy who hit the ball, but I try to do things the right way. I definitely was a little bit careless. I was buying supplements and vitamins over the counter… but I never buy steroids or use steroids.”
PERP: Manny Ramirez:
APOLOGY: Shifty. Manny is very sorry. Really he his. For not allowing the fans to come see him for 50 games! Clever.
“Well, I want to say I’m sorry to the fans, to my teammates that they’re always there for me,” Ramirez said. “I want to thank (Dodgers owner) Frank McCourt for his support.” Asked what he was sorry for, he said: “Not being there for them. For not playing the game, because I’m a huge part of the Dodgers and I’m proud to wear that uniform. When I say I’m sorry, I let those fans down, that they go out there to see me.”
PERP: Mark McGwire:
APOLOGY: Regretful. Poor guy. Almost makes you want to feel sorry him. Then you picture his 400,000 thread count sheets and hot wife catching those falling tears and then not so much.
“I wish I had never touched steroids,” McGwire said. “It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never played during the steroid era.“
PERP: Alex Rodriguez:
APOLOGY: Youthful stupidness. Some would say that not much has changed if he’s really intrigued by conversations with Kate Hudson, but I won’t. Perhaps I’ll need to bust a slump a work sometime myself.
“I didn’t think they were steroids. That’s part of being young and stupid. It was over the counter. It was pretty basic. It was amateur hour…. It was two guys doing a very amateur thing … All these years I never thought I did something wrong.”
PERP: Ryan Franklin:
APOLOGY: Lie. Deny. Hey, it’s not like you flunked a drug test or anything, right? Whoops!
“I know deep in my heart that I have never done anything like that.”
PERP: Roger Clemens:
APOLOGY: Anger. You think you can pin me down, America? How about some chin heat from the Rocket. BTW- anyone see him at the Rose Bowl for the BCS title game? Was here there early in the week to be a blimp in the Tournament of Roses parade?
“I want to state clearly and without qualification: I did not take steroids,human growth hormone or any other banned substances at any time in my baseball career or, in fact, my entire life.”
PERP: Barry Bonds:
APOLOGY: Go fuck yourself if you think I’m ever giving an apology. That’s his apology.
Currently under incitement for perjury charges, but trial is on hold indefinitely after clerical errors plagued prosecutors in March 2009. Bonds has not made extensive comments on PED’s.