A quick note about this first paragraph: everything below it is way too important to bother looking up facts (or this paragraph isn’t that important, same thing).
About a week or so ago, I think it was Alvin Reid of maybe the Globe-Democrat, or the Belleville Whatever Thing (oh, and Donnybrook!) wrote an article about the newish* $19.95 Cardinals Nation club (*I think it’s been offered for a while). A day or two later, some guy from some website expanded a bit on that topic over at insidestl.com.
The fine readers of InsideSTL had a polite rebuttal to said article, explaining their disagreement on how much of a deterrent Cardinals Nation would be to their every day lifestyle, if they happened to participate.
But now, going forward – no matter what they say – there will be no dispute as to which club kicks ass, and which “Nation” needs to go to Suck Rehab and fight their suck demons of sucktitude.
As a quick reminder, here are the perks you get for your $19.95 to join Cardinals Nation:
- Membership Card from the Cardinals
- 2 tickets to a regular season 2010 Cardinals game (via e-mail voucher to be redeemed online; terms and conditions may apply)
- Complimentary Next-generation Gameday and audio experience
- 10% Off Entire Purchase coupon for the St. Louis Cardinals Team Store (terms and conditions may apply)
- 10% Off Entire Purchase coupon for the stlcardinals.com Online Shop (terms and conditions may apply)
- Buy-One-Get-One-Free Busch Stadium Tour coupon (terms and conditions may apply)
- Exclusive ticket discount offers and pre-sales throughout the 2010 season
- Monthly Drawing for game tickets, autographed items and more
- Special Access to Cardinals Nation members-only pages
- Exclusive Club Message Board
- Exclusive Cardinals desktop wallpapers
But what about our club?
The Cardinal Badass Torture Chamber Machete Carnage Destruction Squad
- A black Under Armour shirt with the club logo and name on it
- Brass Knucks
- One month of being accompanied by a Ninja or Bob Gibson (your choice)
- 10% off Homestyle Buffet visit, provided you drive Jack Clark to and fro
- Access to the new “profanity section” at Busch – where player heckling, colorful language, racial slurs, and wife-boning threats are highly encouraged.
- Group outings to go drop a deuce on Cubs fans’ Welcome Mats, featuring guest hosts (and participants) athooks and HMW.
- Chris Duncan humping bobblepelvis
- The Chris Duncan porn, “Dunc in Your Trunk”
- The “Rick Ankiel Nailed These Girls in ’09” yearbook
- Cards Diaspora INsider Access (okay, that’s pretty much a link to our Twitter accounts)
- Exclusive access to weekly chats with Ricky Horton, accompanied by Jesus
- Monthly drawings for Blogger Training, Penthouse Lap Dances, free tasers and more
For just $19.92 (how you like that undercut, Cardinals Nation?), join the Cardinal Badass Torture Chamber Machete Carnage Destruction Squad and this can all be yours!
You just got served Bill DeWitt.