The Top 10 Things Bothering Cards Diaspora Today
10) The Olympic condom shortage: 14 condoms per athlete weren’t really enough? I bet some of the participating athletes hadn’t even heard of a condom before they left their home country. I bet the Bulgarians were making balloon animals or something and the international AIDS organization had to waste about 500K to get a bunch of rubbers to Vancouver so Olaf could finish his bike spokes.
9) CNN: Put on a suit Cooper. Just because you’re in Haiti or Sengal or Batswana looking for blood diamonds doesn’t mean I don’t want my evening news in a Tasso Elba tie. You smug son of a bitch.
8) Turkey Dogs: Gobble, gobble motherfuckers. Get your waddles out of my tube meat and stick to the Thanksgiving table. You have no place in a baseball stadium or a grocer’s shelf. Your assholes are no healthier than a pigs and they are far less tasty. I hate you.
7) Four Square: You don’t go anywhere cool. We don’t care to know for sure.
6) Buzz Aldrin: You walked on the motherfucking moon Buzz. The moon. And now you’re dancing for a miniature disco ball? Could somebody please start a PayPal account to keep American icons from having to whore themselves out to reality TV for some pension money? Could NASA not kick back a few bucks for an old buddy? The Russians won in the long run, eh?
5) Seinfeld: You’re better than that. We saw you on Curb last season. You’re still funny. Do better, Jerry. Do better.
4) Winter: Haven’t you embarrassed Al Gore enough. Leave us the hell out of it and give us one day over 50 degrees. ONE DAY!
3) Tiger Woods jokes: He slept with a ton of women that weren’t his wife. Guess what- that’s what athletes do. They bang chicks as they please. The worst hockey player on the worst NHL team? He’s gotten more BJ’s than Jake after proposing to Vienna.
2) The Horny Toad: How can this Lake of the Ozarks landmark NOT have a Bachelor viewing party in case Vienna won? They missed the boat on this one.
1) The CD: This site has been awful lately. Just abysmal. Sorry*.