It had to end eventually, right?
The Bachelorette reveals its winner tonight. And America is torn on on who to root for- J.P. (The old, wise Jewish sage) or Ben (Caesar Milan’s worst nightmare). And after, we get to re-live all the glory with a special ‘After The Final Rose’ episode.
Tonight: Eviscerations. Ejections. Engagements?
8:03 – Whoa. Ashley’s sister is a total bad ass. Tat sleeves. Dressed in all black. Taking no shit from nobody. Also, Ashley’s mom is Snooki?
FAMILY DATE: J.P.
8:10 – I mean, ABC knew it had this ace in the hole, didn’t it? They knew that the sister was a cage rattler and… WHOA: “I don’t think he’s the one”. Webster’s just switched the entry for ‘Cock Block’ to a picture of the sister.
8:19 – J.P. takes a seat in the electric chair… and gets FRIED! A smattering: “You’re too serious for her.” / “What are you doing with my much younger sister.” / “She’s too much for you.” / “Can you handle that much fun.” / ” You’re much older than her.” / “I’m struggling with if all this makes sense with you together.” / “I expected more.” / “I saw more when she brought Brad home.” / “I don’t know if this is something you can turn around.” … BRU-TAL! I’m not doing a good job explaining just how bad this was.
8:25 – J.P. is shook by that filleting. The 10 guys who are still watching this show have a new crush. But no self respecting guy watches this crap, right?
8:32 – Not only am I in love with Ashley’s sister, I think I want her to be my lawyer and shrink as well. Oh, and my tattoo artist. And my stylist. Fuck it- time for this girl to be crowned the next Bachelorette RIGHT NOW.
8:35 – Rational is not the word I would continue to use to describe anyone in the Hebert family.
FAMILY DATE: BEN
8:46 – The sister has a divorce in her closet. Nooooo. We didn’t see that one coming. At all. I’m sure she was a real peach.
8:47 – Quote without comment: “When you’re lubing someone up with mud, it’s very sexy.”
9:04 – Ben drops the L-Bomb and doesn’t back-door like it he did last week. He really let his walls down and went in for some passionite kisses. Known to the rest of us as ‘pecks’.
THE REST OF THE SHOW
9:16 – With age comes experience. J.P. drops a counter L-Bomb on Ashley. Then takes her out to the beach so he can take her towel off. Then follows that up with a picture book and some of the finest hand-written sap ever penned on this show. Well played sir… J.P. takes the lead headed down the stretch.
9:25 – Very childish handwriting.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
9:43 – I mean, words. Words don’t do that justice. Ben got on a knee and proposed. She said no. That moment will never be duplicated. He even felt the dumping coming and tried to head it off at the pass. But to no avail.
9:45 – Ashley – Leave the poor man ALONE. Creep him out on Facebook later or something. But fuck.
9:47 – Ben gets no plane ride home and will be taking a john boat back to the states. You really don’t want to get dumped on the last day with the Bachlorette.
9:56 – Serious question here, how much time after the dumping does Ashley have to re-group and get engaged?
9:59 - She said yes.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
You know what, you guys have endured enough. Thanks for playing along with this crap for the past 10 weeks. Back to the Cardinals sucking ass.