Rumor has it that Albert Pujols, with nothing better to do, has decided to get on board with The Bachelorette.
Tonight: Concussions, collusion and general confusion.
7:04 – Chiang Mai Thailand is the destination for tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette. Many of the men reference the ‘romanticism’ of the city. Ladies take note: random goat in the street = the new stringkini.
7:13 – Ben F. wins the first solo date and tells us there is a 100% chance Ashley’s ‘gettin’ kissed’ today. Annnnd right on cue, Ashley breaks out the old, we can’t kiss here – we’re too close to this religious temple – counter attack. Ben F counters the counter with a ‘mind kiss’, where these two imagine making out. Holy shit, I think my TV just grew knuckles and bit them.
7:24 – What are your plans for your next relationship, Ben F.? “concentrating on her, traveling, wine parties with friends, staying in and cooking dinner, you know, uh, focusing on her, making her special, loving her, making her feel right and good, feeling like a goofy puppy dog…” Right know there is a Kraft marketing manger — literally — beating down this guys door somewhere with a sponsorship deal.
7:32 – Group date! 3 hours in a Muay Thai concentration… err…. training camp. Surprising exactly no one, Ames admits that he’s never been in a fight.
7:33 – Tonight’s big loser? Chest hair. If Tom Selleck was still alive, he’d be throwing up right now.
7:34 – I swear I’m typing this before I see what happens. But I can promise you that letting dudes fight over a girl is the worst idea this show has had since, well, bringing a roast element into show. So not that long, actually. But still – this is a bad, bad idea.
7:42 – Ashley “I don’t want anyone to get hurt”. Well, then I’d say a sport that involves punching AND kicking to the face isn’t the best decision.
7:47 – Ames gets carted away in an ambulance with concussion-type symptoms. No offense to the Thai, but I better be thiiiiiis close to death before I get involved in that medicare system. You know how they treat head trauma? Caning.
8:01 – Lucas, who took some sort of payment from the producers, decides to let Ashely know her type of guy… Bentley. Twist that knife, Lucas. Twist it son.
8:05 – Ben C. & William go 2 on 1 in a ELIMINATION DATE. William carries the show for the next 7 minutes with pithy commentary. And by pithy, I mean more irrational confidence since 2006 John Rodriguez. (That was a special name check for any of the 2 Cardinal fans still reading this crap.)
8:14 – Looks like William might need a refresher course on the Bro Code. Weak sauce, dude.
8:24 – Ashley will take a lot. But she won’t take a RAT. William gets Ben C. canned, then decides to not come off this 30-year-old-boy routine and gets the guillotine.
8:36 – At this point, we have to stand and give The Monster a round of applause. J.P. is laying down some serious game and Ashley still can’t quit yapping about Bentley. Whatever he did, whatever he said – I want some.
8:46 – “dot, dot, dot” or ellipses.
8:50 – Time to pin some roses tainted by the sweet memories of The Monster…
Going Home: William, Ben C., Nick
Next Week: Hong Kong, Hotel visit from THE MONSTER! Unlike this week, we see it’s scaly skin in the flesh!