Tonight… after a 4th of July hiatus – – The Bachelorette RETURNS!
In tonight’s episode… J.P deeply sighs. Ryan has the cries. And Emily? Looks like she got a little taste of that fame and is ready to drop her panties for that stud named FaceTime.
7:01 – Is it tremendously racist to have no idea what the difference between any of these towns this show is traveling to is? Hong Kong to Taipei – could have fooled me.
7:05 – Chris reveals that this week will see two men go and the “fortunate four” will get to take Ashley back to their hometown for a date. Really, haven’t these families been through enough with their loved ones gone for over a month at this point? Do they really deserve Ashley Hebert? MOOOMMMMMM- Where do keep the Kleenex?!?!
7:18 – Ben has “never felt so alive”. He is currently on a 2 stroke motor-scooter going 14 MPH up a hill. And is wearing a helmet space graded.
7:28 – Uh-oh. Is Ben ready to drop the L-Bomb? He’s dancing around it. He wants to do do it. He’s ready… He’s quoting Casey.
7:29 – Damn. He contains himself. He guards and protects the heart. Still no L-Bombs dropped this season.
7:36 - Women had been wondering what was wrong with J.P. How could such a caring, handsome young man be available? Well, we’re :36 minutes into the show and he’s mentioned “sharing” Ashley roughly 545 times. How do you spell jealous again?
7:41 – Casting Call? July 22nd? In San Diego. WAIT – I’ll be in San Diego July 22nd. And I think that FRESH WC needs to be on this show in the worst way. If they allow drinking while we stand in line, I’m taking his ass down there. Bet on it. And yes, I’m kind of burying the leade on this one, but Fresh WC and I will be at the ‘Bachelorette: Men Tell All’ in Los Angeles the following day.
7:42 – Yes. I’m dead serious.
7:51 – Ashely, take it from a man here babe. There is NO good jealously. You’re sitting there talking yourself into J.P. telling you that he’s not a rageful guy when he’s jealous. I’d advise you to check the walls of his apartment next week very closely. That’s all I’m saying.
7:59 – Even if you hate the dude, Ryan has a very impressive hair wave. Kelly Slater might just appear from ether and ride that bitch before this season ends.
8:09 – Ryan finally gets his 1 on 1 date and decides it’s his time to finally bust out the vaunted ‘tankless water heater’ move. And if you guessed that moved entailed a long-winded story about how every house ‘needs’ a tankless water heater due to the environmental impact of the antiquated technology of your parents generation as it relates to heating water – then you’ve got that move in your arsenal if you choose to use it.
8:10 – Ryan gets dumped. On second thought, I’d advise against the ‘tankless water heater’ move.
8:13 – Big American man, wearing bright pink shirt, crying on a rock in Taipei. Something tells me Taiwan is feeling much more ambitious about conquering the United States someday.
8:15 – He’s aware that he was dumped by Ashley, right? Ok. Just checking.
8:33 – And there we have it, Lucas is the odd man out tonight. Instead of crying like Ryan, he decided to ratchet up the “sweeties”, dropping an astonishing 5 in literally 25 seconds. That’s how you get dumped in Odessa- where the condescension runs as deep as the oil rigs.
8:35 – Tears. At this point, Aquafina needs to sign this girl to an endorsement deal.
20 minutes left and we get an one on one interview with the winner of last season’s Bacehelor – Emily.
8:45 – Emily: French for much easier to look at than hear.
8:48 - What in the hell is the point of this interview? Not to be rude, but people break up. Somebody reading this right now just got broken up with. You – YOU have been broken up with. I get why the producers want this shit on the air, but what is fucking point for Emily?
8:50 – You wish you didn’t have to be there? That makes two of us.
8:55 – The Paparazzi. Always. I’m over this chat. Bless you Harrison. You earned your check tonight buddy.
Next week: Hometowns. Pizza Pies. Horse Rides. And somebody’s dad makes it RAIN!