The penultimate episode of The Bachelorette has been delivered via satellites from ABC to space and then back down to Soulard. Let’s get to work…
Tonight: Horses, health, happiness and hometowns.
Hometown 1: Contantine
7:02 – We see Ashley’s apartment. After weeks of crying, Ashley pays it forward and makes interior designers everywhere weep. Hard. Also, 4 extra years of schooling for a 50 square foot loft? Ashely may, by herself, undermine the dental industry once and for all.
7:12 – Constantine brings Ashley to his hometown and reveals that his family business is running a strip mall restaurant. He feels so at ease he let’s the salad slash love puns fly. He would travel to a thousand islands for Ashely’s heart. He would dip his balsamic vinaigrette in… nevermind.
7:20 – Dad: “My son is very good with kids.” Easy dad. No cockblocking on the hometown date.
7:25 – The Bachlorette never ceases to surprise. Yes, that was uncle Chuck making it rain. Nothing says ‘lasting love’ more than flipping singles at the gyrating body of potential mate for your nephew that is dating 3 other men.
Hometown 2: Ames
7:31 – Mom says Ames looks “health and happy”. She seemed to have confused reality dating show with a POW tiger box. But will it matter? The Ames family, with the indoor pool, has the $$$ check-mark in their box. They seem to be living in a Martha Stewart fall collection that got humped by LL Bean.
7:32 – The onion analogy really goes – the more you peel, the more it stinks. I just want to clarify for everyone.
7:43 – Older sister gives Ashley a hand with the break-up by letting Ames know, in a very nice way, that he’s TOAST. She’s the greaseman for the guillotine, I’m afraid.
7:47 – Wanna know how to piss off an Ivy League grad? Have Ashely tell them they “think alike”.
7:49 – They have a cavalry on call? They have a cavalry on call. No really, they have horses and buggies to take champagne trail rides through the back yard. Ames could be making it to the final round on bank account alone.
Hometown 3: Ben
7:58 – “My family needs to like you. It needs to work.” Ben decides to go with the ‘if you can’t take the heat, get your ass out the kitchen’ pep talk for Ashley. Doesn’t feel like the right move to me, but you’ve got to coach the team like you see fit.
8:05 – Ben’s sister is scary.
8:07 – Ben’s sister is like a poor man’s Olvia Munn. Only way, way more intimidating. And impervious to anything that would make you smile. In fact, if you are smiling right now, she’s coming through your screen and BREAKING you.
8:10 – Crying. (Not Ashley, somehow.) End scene.
Hometown 4: J.P.
8:18 – REO Speedwagon’s ‘Can’t Fight This Feeling‘ howls over the skating rink PA as J.P. puts the moves all over Ashley. Who else wants a New Coke?
8:30 – J.P. comes thiiiiisss close to dropping the L-Bomb for the first time this season. Also, what exactly was dating this guy before Ashley? People talk to him like he’s been to war with some of these women. We need to find out what the hell happened?
8:45 – J.P.’s hometown date has no surprises, so the house conversation has turned to the next boy… eerrr… girl Ames is going to date.
Going Home: Ames. No surprises here. The dude just didn’t make the connection with Ashley. It probably was her insistence that her man have a bottom set of teeth.
A goodbye handshake. That was epic.
Next Week: Hooks goes to Hollywood for ‘Men Tell All’. Ames Live Blogs it and takes fully warranted shots at my sexuality. We’re even. Turnabout is fairplay. Also, Ashley takes the men to some beach and spends the night with all three? We’ll see.
Also, is Ashley’s sister tatted up? HOT.