AshleyEp5

Bachelorette Live Blog! (Ep. 9)

Yes, I’ve seen this episode.

Yes, I’m watching this again to Live Blog it.

No, I’m not gay.

Just as an aside: everyone in the studio audience for the taping of ‘Men Tell All’ (airing next week) was very politely threatened that if anything about the show was typed on the Internet, they would hunt the perp down and beat them with a rose bush. Then sue them for $5 million dollars. Fresh WC actually changed his release form to read 20 million dollars. So in theory, this could be the most expensive blog post in the history of the Internet.

Oh, and I was in Michelle Money’s seat with a camera 2 feet from my face. If I don’t get a cut-away shot next week I’m going to flip shit.

Tonight: Fiji, Furtive Helicopter Flyovers and Fornication? It’s time for Ashley to make it rain ‘Fantasy Suite’ passes. For the newbies, that means it’s time for Ashley to sleep with 3 men in 3 nights and totally not get judged for it. Like a hall pass for sluts from the women of America.

OVERNIGHT DATE 1 = BEN

7:12 – Check that. RYAN has decided to fly to Fiji. Let’s take this time to learn from Fijian: “Sega na lega”. Translation? Bad idea jeans. Could Ashley possibly have 4 overnight dates tonight? She might just redeem herself after all…

7:18 – Ben’s date is laying on a couch cushion on a yacht. Perhaps this is a commentary on this relationship. Perhaps not.

7:25 – “Thanks for all your hard work.” Huge props to Fresh WC for bringing down the house and hitting the beat with a well-placed HIYO! Speaking of hard work, the only thing worse than crying on The Bachelorette, at least for the guy, would be an ill-timed boner. They’ve never shown it, but I bet it’s happened. I wonder if the crew stopped filming?

7:32 – Ben deep teases an L-Bomb. We haven’t had one this season (most likely a source of pain for Ashley)… but we could be just minutes away.

7:34 – He’s the Mikhail Baryshnikov of L-Bombs! He’s dancing around this damn thing like a meth head at a Widepread Panic show.

7:36 – Ta-Ta-Ta Today Junior…

7:38 – “I’m on my way to the whole I love you thing?” After all that, he back-doored the fucker?

7:40 – 1 for 1. Ben accepts the offer to the Fantasy Suite. See men, getting on the path to getting on the way to that whole I love you thing? It leads to sexy time.

OVERNIGHT DATE 2 = CONSTANTINE

7:46 - If you watch this show on a regular basis, this is the saddest slash most-cringe worthy moment the show has possibly EVER produced:

Ryan 
7:49 – We learn that Constantine looked at 108 houses before he bought one. Al Gore called, bud – he’s got this cool thing called the ‘Internet’ he invented and wants you to look into RealEstate.com. That whole ‘dot com’ thing? We’ll explain that later.

7:56 – Is it weird to date the same girl as your friend? Yes. Is it weirder that you’re best friend is a guy who you’re in Fiji with the girl you’re dating? Yes.

7:59 – Constantine drops the anti- L-Bomb and tells Ashley he’s not only not going to sleep with her… he doesn’t love her and ends the whole deal right then and there.

8:00 – OBAMA?!?! WTF!?!?

+++++

Editor’s Note- The DVR is now 23 minutes behind because of something called a ‘debt ceiling’. Looks like I just became a HUGE Mitt Romney guy. The leader of the free world should know better than to fuck with The Bachelorette.

I’ll re-cap the action for those who DVR’d the show and missed the ending… see below.

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OVERNIGHT DATE 3 = RYAN?

8:35 – And we’re back after a :23 minute delay for Obama and some other old guy yelling at each other. Ryan is dumped for the second time in 3 weeks. This time he’s more prepared with a toned down yellow shirt instead of hot pink. And there was no talk of tankless water heaters. Still, he gets no fun in the Champagne Room.

8:37 – Ashley is now 1-3. And on this show, batting .333 on the overnight dates is piss poor. Piss.

OVERNIGHT DATE 4 = J.P.

8:45 - Ashley loves 2 things in life – taking her men in air-crafts and half-shirts. J.P. gets to experience both today.

8:49 – This clip comes via Pie Face in the CD InBox. Amen.

8:56 – Ashely tells J.P. that 2 men were sent home this week. Even for reality TV ‘sent home’ is stretching the boundaries of what is acceptable truth.

9:00 – The DVR ends with J.P. taking the key to the Fantasy Suite. The same exact one that Ben used the night before. Ahhhh… romance. At least they changed the comforter.

+++++

So…

The Obama speech denied us a rose ceremony. For those who did see it, they’ll agree it was pretty boring. Two guys came. Two guys got roses. End scene.

Previews for the final episode look like a waterworks fetishist’s wet dream.

Next Week: ‘Men Tell All’. Will Fresh WC and ATHooks get the coveted cut-aways that they crave? Will Bentley come back and wreck shit with the other guys? I think it might be cause for a actual live Live Blog…

athooks

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