Cardinals v Rangers: Tale of the Tape

People, it’s here.

Tonight the World Series returns to St. Louis for the first time since Friday October 27, 2006. A glorious evening where Lil’ Lil’ Eckstein planted the seed for the Coehn Bros. “True Grit” and red stick-on soul patches flowed like the river Thames down the chins of dizzy, red clad Cardinal fanatics.

Welcome back, World Series. We missed yo’ ass.

The Chosen Children of God slash Allah will face off against a bunch of bums from Texas that probably rape cows for fun. Again, probably. And while the Rangers are being tabbed as slight favorites amongst the caviar set of sportswriters, it’s far from a done deal.

Let’s break this fucker down:

UNIFORMS: The Cardinals will don the classic plain white pants with a plain white jersey, the only adornment the best logo in baseball and the players name/number. The Rangers, on the other hand will have a big garish ‘TEXAS’ across the front of their uni’s and will wear probably wear their stupid red caps just to piss off everyone that knows they RIPPED US OFF. You’re blue, Texas. BLUE!  EDGE? Cardinals Big Time

SLUGGERS: Albert Pujols, AKA, the best player of all time or Mike Napoli. Have you been to Mike’s bar? It’s the most freaking pretentious thing in Clayton. Except for Barkendales, that pet store up the street. EDGE? Cardinals Real Big Time

MANAGERS: Don Tony, the Hall of Famer manager who will be #2 on the all time wins list after next season. Or Ron Washington. Big time coke blower. EDGE? Ron Washington, Right?

BALLPARKS: Hot and muggy hell hole parked in the middle of a desolate, undeveloped wasteland of a city struggling to attract new business. Or a hot and muggy hell hole parked in the middle of a desolate, undeveloped wasteland of a city struggling to attract new business? EDGE? Tie

ACES: C.J. Wilson, the Bieber cut. The lanky build. The lack of any defining resume win. The destined to be overpaid by the Yankees when the year is out ace. Or Chris Carpenter. Who may or may not have a sore elbow that we’re not going to know anything about until after an inning or less of the World Series has been played? EDGE? Rangers. Maybe.

FOOD: I’ll be honest here. The best meal I ever ate was in Dallas. It was called Juarez Cantina or something and the salsa was so good I asked for the recipe. They said no. Then I asked to take some to go. They said no. So I tried smuggling some out in a cup. And they caught me. Dicks. EDGE? Rangers, Sorry Pappy’s.

CHICKS: Riiiiiight. EDGE? Rangers. Sorry, I really wish this was closer.

DUDES: Unless you’re looking for a deep tonguing after a man tosses a plug of Tobaccy out the F-150s window, then you better stick to STL. Then again, a trip to the DMV in Missouri is enough to turn most women at least bi. EDGE? Tie.

SKYLINE: I always hated that diamond shape lit up building they show before every sports game. The Arch is so much more awesome. EDGE? St. Louis

So I’ve got this scored … shit, I think I accidently let the Rangers win this stupid ‘Tale of the Tape’ but I’m too lazy to go back and change any of this now.




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