The Bachelorette is back. Let’s cut the pitter patter get to the first LiveBlog of the season.
8:01 – That gay crap called Dancing With the Stars is finally over so we can concentrate on the totally hetero Bachelorette. 25 dudes, 1 chick and nothing but manly, manly entertainment for the men of Lami St.
8:03 – The Womack montage we knew we’d have to endure has commenced. Who else is hoping for an update on his current relationship? Is there any chance that isn’t the worst relationship in the history of the world by now? Ashley is down and out, or so it would seem.
8:09 – Sadness personified is sexual writhing on the stage. God bless the Bachelorette. God bless everyone involved with this show.
8:15 – A: Ryan P. makes the Taylor Swift heart with his hands and frames the sun. Q: Why does everyone think Ryan P. likes boys?
8:17– Ames. AKA Mr. Perfect. I think this guy just blew up @HumbleBrag.
8:20 – The Jersey Butcher, Anthony. Zero chance of pulling out a win and probably a 10% chance of even getting past tonight with a rose… but damn this guy has Weatherman-esque potential. With an even better background for double entendre.
8:21 – West. Ahhh fuck. There pulling the widow card out again? The exploitation of Emily last year was kind of gross. So the producers decided to do it all over again. Get your bets placed for West in the final 5 right now. You can’t cut a widow early unless you’re cold-blooded.
8:30 – Ashley sits down with Chris Harrison. A nebulous source has fingered ‘Bentley’ as a scumbag with an ex-wife and looking to promote his business before he even gets out of the limo. I think we might have the biggest underdog in the history of The Bachelorette!
8:37 – Micky. I promise you that was NOT the reaction he was expecting. Went in for the kiss and Ashley pulled a back muscle jerking away. On the knuckle in the mouth cringe scale? 4 of 5. You know, from “all the men in America”.
8:40 – The Butcher… Whoa, game = MEATY! Could we have a darkhorse this year?
8:43 – Jeff. The dude with the mask. And, OF COURSE, he’s from St. Louis. So embarrassed for everyone in our city. Did he run this idea by anyone? And if he did, and they gave this a rubberstamp, they should be shot. Twice.
8:52 – Camera Guy. Interesting shtick. And it was taking him places. But then he took it a wee bit too far with the request to get a pic with Harrison inside the mansion.
8:54 – Bentley. He receives the scrunch face from Ashley. I’m typing this live and I’m calling it now… this guy is going at least 3 episodes. Girls can’t help themselves. That chick that contacted Ashley should have known they were buying him more time.
9:01 – Cable is out. I’ve been waiting 4.5 years to say this… what the fuck Charter?
9:02 – We’re back. I’m kidding Charter. Love you guys!
Side: Lot of French cuffs on these guys. I don’t like French cuffs.
9:05 – Did a guy just willingly use his own mother to clockblock himself on national TV? Did that really happen? Guys, when you have the urge to call mom on your first date, don’t.
9:08 – The Mask. Described as a “creighton” by Tim. I wish I could disagree, Tim. I wish I could disagree. I really spent this whole commercial break trying to think of something I’ve been more embarrassed by from St. Louis. And I can’t. I really can’t.
9:17 – Tim is as wasted as any contestant in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. Occupation? Liquor distributor. This is painful for him watching this right now. Hiccups, drooling, the whole deal.
9:20 – The Drunk & The Mask are in a heated game of verbal jujitsu. Ashley is one lucky lady.
9:30 – “Let’s just take my face out of the equation”. I could be wrong here, but whatever is hiding under that thing is going to be a let down, bud. But how long how does this go on? At what point will his insides be properly known? Has he pulled this gimmick in St. Louis before? I need to know.
9:33 – Bentley. Warned by a friend he’s dangerous. Has a child and an ex-wife. But seems like a really good guy… so he stays. Women.
First Impression Rose: Ryan P. Heart hands for everyone!
9:42 – Let the cutting commence!
9:43 – The Mask gets the FIRST rose? Get ready Johnny Brocks. A run is upon you tomorrow morning. Lucas Park is going to be very mysterious Saturday night.
9:46 – The kiss that wasn’t didn’t sink Micky. Let that be a lesson, boys. Be agressive. Girls like that.
9:47 – Bentley. Of course a rose.
9:48 – The Butcher gets chopped. Bad move by the producers… err… Ashley. I think America was going to like the cut of his jib. He seemed to be very tender. Not much blood on his hands. Ok, I’ll stop.
9:51 – “I thought Ashley was the one.” – Things not to say on camera after an extended happy hour with 24 other dudes and one chick if you want to keep your friends when you get home.
Coming up this season on The Bachelorette…
+ Canoes, boats, trains, buggies, rickshaws and other primitive forms of transport.
+ “Man Claws”
+ The Mask is creeping everyone the hell out.
+ Bentley at least makes out with Ashley once by a fireplace. And then he breaks her heart. If only she’d been warned!
+ An asskicking. Fiji. Love. And more