The Charlie Sheen Cardinal Awards + The Friday Links

Charlie Sheen has been melting the Internet for the past week and a half.

Or ‘winning’ the Internet rather. 

His quotes have been instantly legendary and completely pervasive. Memes are one thing, but you know you’re a cultural phenomenon when you can drop a ‘WINNING’ on a sales meeting and every single age range busts a gut. In fact, I can’t really think of anything that’s close to a parallel.

The best part? I think the dude has always been weird and now he’s just running with it. I’m starting to actually buy in that he’s not that crazy and is just wired differently than me. That it’s perfectly normal to have a porn star and a weed mag cover model supplement the nannies as parental figures for young children.

Viva La Sheen!

So let’s do The Sheen a solid and throw out some of his better lines and see how they correlate to the St. Louis Cardinals, shall we?

“I’m a grandiose life, and I’m embracing it”
to Albert Pujols

Pujols, as we mentioned yesterday, is making it real hard for anyone to invest much heart into the 2011 campaign. Even a World Series would be tainted by the constant Joe Buck reminders that were thiiiiis much closer to Pujols potentially leaving St. Louis. Pujols loves the attention he’s getting by leaving a city and a team hanging and not letting negotiations take place anymore.

“Can’t is the cancer of happen” to Adam Wainwright

Who is claiming that he’ll be fit to be the ace from day 1 of 2012 come hell or high-water. Most experts believe that a 15 month recovery period is more obtainable and that ideally 24 months will pass before extreme pressure is placed on a newly inserted ligament. But screw it… If Wain-O thinks he’s going to be a stud this time next year, who the hell are we too argue?

“One of my favorite poets is Eminem” to Jon Jay

Jon Jay is African-American, right?

He’s not? PERFECT!

“Vintage balderdash” to GM John Mozeliak

Days after having to get flogged by the national and local media for preparing an insulting offer to Mr. Pujols and defending that whole debacle, Johnny boy was back at the mic trying to spin it like losing Adam Wainwright wasn’t going to suck the energy out of the Cardinals like a giant black hole. He literally said that the time to stop feeling sorry for ourselves was now… 45 minutes after the damn announcement came out. When did we start?

“Gnarly gnarlingtons” to Gerald Laird

I’m going way out on a limb here and saying that Mr. Laird is a fun guy to go have a beer or 14 with:

“Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body” to Matt Holiday

Dude quietly had a pretty monster 2010 campaign and we all kind of thought he sucked. But who else things that this guy, without all the hoopla heading into the season, could put up a staggeringly good year? For some reason, I just feel like him and Pujols are going to mash right out of the gate. And every time we get really excited? Pujols contract talk… Pujols contract talk…

“If you can bring me a souvenir from that moment when your father locked you in the closet, then bring it to me.” to Colby Rasmus

Young Colby’s time has arrived. Will he be the next J.D. Drew (STL Version) or the next J.D. Drew (Boston Version)? 8 months removed from a pretty public meltdown with Coach LaRussa, Rasmus has worked hard this off-season… what? He didn’t swing a bat until last week? Oh, this is going to end well isn’t it? Good thing dad will be hanging around the cages pushing for a trade. That seems to go over well.

“I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself.” to The Fans

More specifically the fans that honestly think that not signing Pujols to a contract that overpays the guy is a ‘good use of money’. Hey asshat- it’s not your money. That beer you buy? They’re raising it .25 cents regardless of who is standing at first base. And quite frankly if I’m going to drag my ass down the stadium, I’d rather see a hall of famer than, say, oh, Skip Shumaker at first.

I think we could do this all day, if we really wanted to. I didn’t even get to work in the ‘Tiger Blood’ or ‘Goddesses’ into this piece.

Now, the Friday Links…

  • Someone spent a lot of time on ‘What Would Whoopi Do’. LINK HERE
  • Rules of Thumb is the website that you wonder how you’ve missed for so long. LINK HERE
  • A list of the world’s strongest beers. LINK HERE
  • We kind of had to link to this, didn’t we? LINK HERE
  • This baby really loves it when paper is ripped. LINK HERE
  • End your week with the famous objects from classic movies game. LINK HERE

Finally- here’s an interview of me from this week from Brewers Bar talking about the Cardinals 2011 season. LINK HERE

Have a huge Mardi Gras weekend. Make sure to get as many beads as humanly possible, get pictures and come post them here in the comments come Monday. Deal?


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