pujolspuppet

The Twelve Days of Cardinal Crapmas (Day 1)

MLB just won’t stop putting out crappy products. We really thought this was the year!

Trust us, we would love to be lazy and not bring you another twelve days of Cardinal Crapmas items, but obviously they gave us no choice. With so much to talk about since the season ended, we’re not just doing this to kill time for once. We’ve got legit reasons:

1) MLB knows that people will buy whatever they toss out online and in stores all over the country, thus a lot of useless crap is available for purchase.
2) You like it when we’re jerks.

So let’s get things going this year with a little irony. Everyone knows money played the biggest role in the Pujols mega-deal, but it’s really the puppet master’ing of Dan Lozano that made the deal a reality. Ha ha MLB Shop. Real funny.
Believe it or not, the Pujols Hand Puppet is on clearance for 12 bucks. Be sure to pick a couple up so you can vent your frustrations on Albert via (ahem, slightly racist) conversations like this:

Left Hand Albert Puppet: Hay mang, ‘member de statue dey put up of me? How has nobody pooped on dat teeng yet?

Right Hand Albert Puppet: Es in God’s hangs bro. Le’ss pray dat we get more stachus in Las Angeles, or Anaheim, wherever we play de beisbol now.

Left Hand Albert Puppet: When do we take off dees Cardinal juniform?

Right Hand Albert Puppet: I’m sad ang cryeeng. Jus like de Khalil Greene puppet.

[Note: The Albert Puppets died on the way back to their home planet]

edmondstongue

The Twelve Days of Cardinal Crapmas

All of a sudden, it’s December 13th and we’re pretty damn close to Christmas. And it’s time to quit being selfish bastards for two weeks, and buy something for your loved ones (or your wife, heh heh /old white guy sitcom joke).

Last year we did this feature because of two things:

1) MLB knows that people will buy whatever they toss out online and in stores all over the country, thus a lot of useless crap is available for purchase.
2) You like it when we’re jerks.

To continue this new tradition, on the first day of Cardinal Crapmas 2010, here are some Boat Shoes by Allen Edmonds (no he doesn’t wear half-shirts), from MLBShop.com:

boatshoesWow, those are ugly. Your grandpa would pass on wearing these, and he wears powder blue pants that end at his knees when he sits down.

They might be kind of cool if they were slippers to wear around the house in the winter. But actual shoes that you’d wear in everyday life?  I don’t hear about people getting beat up at Schnucks too often, but I think if I just wore these to the store once, I’d get pummeled before getting to the produce section.

Though I guess for the right price, my mom would order a pair for me for…

$124.99

WHHHAAATTT!? EDMONNNNDDSS!

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