Your Annual State of the Cubs Suck

The Cubs. 

An infantile name for an infantile organization. One whose promises of ‘next year’ to their tortured fan base ring as hollow as a parent who’s convinced one more year and those kids will grow out of this ‘immaturity’ they’re constantly mired in. Sometimes, though, organizations, much like children are destined for the bottom of the barrel; after all, the world needs ditch diggers too.

The Cardinals and Cubs revive their long-standing feud tonight at Wrigley Field. And while the outcome of this particular game may still be in doubt… the direction of these two teams seasons are not.

The Cardinals will be battling with the Reds and possibly the Brewers for an NL Central crown, whilst the Cubs wallow, again, in the unmistakable stench of mediocrity. Not bad enough to rebuild through the draft. Not good enough to be relevant. Much like an appendix, the Cubs are useless to baseball, Chicago and life in general.

While many seem to profligate the myth that this is a rivalry between franchises, what we have in reality is a feud. A rivalry implies that both sides have an equal opportunity to compete for (insert something here) and when that competition happens, the Cardinals win and the Cubs lose. It’s been this way as long as you’ve been alive. As long as your grandparents have been alive. And as long as their parents have been alive.

Losing is generational and absolute.

I’ve often speculated that Cubs fans were a product of a systematic dumbing of America. A microcosm of failure within the construct of a game. Born to underperform and drain society of productivity. Those stats of all the time lost to filling out NCAA brackets? Cubs fans begging off doing something meaningful. Once again.

But it’s clear to me now, that these aren’t bad people. Failures in most aspects of life? Sure. But they’ve bowed to their master. And master happens to be a feckless dog with no bite.

Good luck with 2011 and beyond Cub Fan. You’re fate is pre-determined and final.


For eternity, the Cubs will suck.


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