Friends, it’s been too long.
After the soul enriching love story of Ashley and JP commenced last summer, there was a void. A pretty big one.
Long no more, America. The Bachelorette is back and former property of The Womack has tossed her heart into the ring and will parse down 25 hunky hunks into one reverse proposal. Along the way we’re going to see some cringe. And we’re going to talk about it.
8:01 – Emily Maynard is back. Her and The Womack did not pan out. The MBA classes the pair were teaching at Johns Hopkins may or may not be returning for the fall semester.
8:02 – It took exactly one minute to exploit the daughter. She returned shamelessness from mom by releasing latex balloons into the air to poison a flock of migrating birds and exhibiting poor brushing technique on her teeth.
8:13 – Pull ups. Tiny dogs. Wood dealing. Divorces. Spinal trauma. Kick flips. 2012 Bachelorette.
8:16 – When your Bachelorette has been widowed by a man who drove a race car, the logical Bachelor choice is… a race car driver. Over/under on the number of boners in the casting office when his application came through? 6?
8:24 – “Life isn’t measured in the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.” — The Fitness Model. Bless his heart. He took 2 months to memorize that and then fumbled the delivery. Poor guy. (We already had a “Who has two thumbs and going to marry Emily?… This guy.” Yes, really.)
8:37 – Jef with one F tosses a skateboard into the bushes after he goes Marty McFly trailing the limo. Right after, Jason Taylor lite tells us that he finds nothing more sexy than a single mom. Amazing television people. Why is this show not doing a 100 share? I mean NOTHING is more sexy than a single mom? Not ONE THING?
8:43 – Oh, but wait. He really IS a woman under his “real” clothes. Surprise!
8:47 – The more mushroom farmers on network TV, the better. Finally a fungus among us.
8:50 – Kalon, the luxury brand specialist, takes a helicopter in, eschewing the limo. Walks into the group cold and asks ‘where’s the bar’. A special shout out to the the guy who responded… “over there, choppa style.”
9:00 – Note to self: bobble heads make you hot. Have little kids write love notes. Etc al.
9:05 – Ever wonder what Brian Johnson did after detention in The Breakfast Club? Looks like he started a water company, took an F off of Jeff and tried out for a reality dating show:
9:07 – We’ve identified ‘Wolf’ as the STL Bachelorette contestant. Why he has ‘Wolf’ in quotation marks by his name, is still in question. But considering the storied lineage of STL Bachlorette contestants (THIS GUY), I don’t know if we, as a collective city, want to find out.
9:08 – Unless he bites Kalon.
9:15 – Virtual fist pounds for the guy in the lime green shirt. He isn’t making it past tonight, but he’s in there mixing up some shit with the big dogs. He’s like the Shane Robinson of The Bachelorette.
9:17 – First Impression Rose: to the man who forced/bribed his kid to write a heartfelt, but vague note, filled with platitudes intended to manipulate a single mother. Somehow this man is 50 times more tolerable than Kalon.
9:18 – Wolf is into the second round. Didn’t even have to wear a mask.
9:25 – Columbian? Si. Mexican? Si. African American? No. We’re thiiiiiiis close to Rev. Sharpton busting up one of these cocktail hours. Don Imus is thiiiiis close to applying.
9:28 – Here’s a grown man crying after getting dumped… after a 4 hour cocktail hour.
This season on The Bachlorette:
Don’t call Emily’s kid ‘baggage’. Men crying. You know exactly what else.