(Yes, the blimp does say Ice Cube’s a pimp.)
It’s finally here.
It’s been 167 days since the Cardinals took the field at Busch Stadium. They left it holding a Commissioner’s Trophy high over their heads for the 11th time. And today they come back out of the dugout a markedly different team, but still one with the same aspirations.
Let’s take a look at today’s starting line-up…
1) Rafael Furcal (SS) is new. Welcome! Furcal is Spanish for “slap-hitting middle infielder.” Rafael begins the first of a two year contract with the Cardinals in 2012. In 2003 he committed the first unassisted triple-play in Atlanta Braves history against the Cardinals, but we aren’t holding it against him. More importantly, he became the first player since Steve Lyons to take his pants off during a game. He’s on the Book and the Tube. Friend and Like him, Cardinal Nation!
2) Daniel Descalso (2B) is so Italian, it hurts. He enjoys chopping grounders into the dirt and hustling down the line, but enjoys chopping onions more. I’m going to be real here and tell you that a YouTube search for Dirty Dan turned up what might be the slimest pickin’s of all time. This video of him walking was the 4th highest result. You don’t want to know what the 5th was. He may or may not live underneath Charlie Gitto’s on The Hill.
3) Matt Holliday (LF) Doen’t have an appendix or a memory of committing any major errors in the playoffs. Truth is, he was drinking those days, pretty hard. But all of that is behind him, man, he swears. Matt wants to play Farmville with you and never ever wants to talk about this hilarious video. Matt likes Journey and the Ashton Kutcher version of 2 1/2 Men.
4) Carlos Beltran (RF) He bought a former teammate a nose! He still sells ‘Got Beltran‘ stickers in Houston! He had a meme created after him! Oh, and he knows a little bit about his fellow starter Adam Wainwright, doesn’t he? Mr. Beltran came from the Giants via the Mets via Houston and looking to take his Cardinal Killer moniker and put it to use for the good guys.
5) David Freese (3B) It’s time to start calling David Freese “The Mailman,” because this SOB delivers, rain or shine. Last year’s Babe Ruth Award recipient has started 2012 right where he left off: dropping bombs. I’m so serious about this kid’s potential that I don’t even have a joke to make. Here’s his Facebook , but let’s be honest, you’re not good enough to be this stud’s friend. Here he is making an appearance on Aaron Hooks’ favorite show…
6) Yadier Molina (C) will cut you. He’ll cut you so good. Replacing “that guy” that used to play 1B for us as the defacto leader of the Redbirds, Molina was the third catcher to play in two World Series before age 25, along with Johnny Bench and Yogi Berra, neither of which had a neck tattoo. Yadi doesn’t appear to be on the book, but people like him so much that they made this page. Here is his sick laser arm set to some shitty music.
7) Matt Carpenter (1B) isn’t really a donwgrade at first base. And he really isn’t the guy after the guy, since Berkman is just banged up (RUH ROW!) early on in the season. It’s hard to find anything on the web that isn’t realted to him not being Chris Carpenter. Until you Google ‘Matt Carpenter Jason Bourne’. Then you get photoshops of his head on Jason Bourne’s body. The Internet is the gift that keeps giving.
8) Jon Jay (CF) had a Christmas party that was Cuban themed. So when Miami Marlins Manager Ozzie Guillen decided to send a little dap to Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, Jay wasn’t amused. Meanwhile in St. Louis, people ate Cuban sandwiches and shrugged. Jay went to the University of Miami, where in his tenure took the school to new heights and #4 ranking in the Playboy Top 100 Party Schools Power Ranking.
9) Adam Wainwright (P) He’s Back. We missed him. And nothing tells the story of Wain-o better than this horrid YouTube clip.
Time to start drinking. It’s a holiday in St. Louis. Oh, and while we’re here…