You guys, I have something to confess.
And with the Cardinals being ZERO fun to talk about and this site basically being a Bachelorette clearing house anyway, this seems like the appropriate time to bring it up. (I can only offer my sincere apologies to the people who come here for baseball insight. However, the two of you should really know better.)
In any event, I’ve been going through a bit of a dating dry spell.
I mean, of the last two guys to hit on me, one was married and the other was Ronnie Woo Woo. And nothing makes a girl think more critically of herself than the thought of dying alone under an afghan she made for herself.
So, I started looking inward to dissect all of those qualities that might deter Mr. Right and generated a HORRIFYINGLY long list. (Some examples: I’m impatient, I do not get HBO and I have VERY small knee caps.)
However, just as I thought my shame spiral could not go any further out of control, I watched the Bachelorette “Men Tell All” special. And within this broadcast, I realized that maybe this isn’t completely my fault. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, I’m not quite the horrible hell beast that I was making myself out to be.
And it’s all because of Chris from Chicago.
First of all, Chris from Chicago, CALM THE F@#$ DOWN.
This dude is terrifying. He seems like the type of guy that might literally STAB YOU IN YOUR EYEHOLES WHILE YOU SLEEP. Watching him alternately gloat and glower at the camera made me realize that this is what I’m dealing with around here. JUST CHRIS’ FROM CHICAGO EVERYWHERE.
Meanwhile, you’ve got Hooksie with his huge man crush, John from St. Louis. I mean, HE LOVES THAT GUY. It makes me imagine Hooks walking along the streets of St. Louis falling in love with every other guy that he meets. And HE TOTALLY LIKES GIRLS! It just isn’t fair.
So I suppose my long winded point is that if John from St. Louis is the affable and self deprecating Cards fan to Chris from Chicago’s aggressive and bro-tastic Cubs fan, then I think we can all agree that my fate is sealed. If you need me, I’ll be at the pet store buying my first dozen cats.
PS: If I were to learn how to make an afghan, where would I do that? I’m only asking for a friend.
PPS: Getting swept by the Reds was more painful than getting run over by a lawnmower. BASEBALL!!!