So, do you guys remember a couple of weeks ago when I became a changed woman and was all well behaved and shit?
AHEM…welllllll, I experienced a bit of a setback over the weekend.
You see, I was involved in a bachelorette party that took its brood of babes to a lake town in Michigan. Initially, this was seemingly harmless, but it quickly devolved and became a spectacle of excess.
There were bonfires and booby tassels. Fireworks and shotskies. Flip cup and dance parties. I don’t think there were any sentences spoken without some sort of sexual reference or profanity. It was, in a word, a SHITSHOW.
(And if you ask me if I’m too old for that, the answer isn’t a yes or no, rather a very long and high pitched SQUEAL. Seriously. I think only dogs can hear it.)
Therefore, I’m starting to wonder if there isn’t some sort of correlation between my behavior and the subsequent success of the Cardinals. I mean, I go to St. Louis and am a good girl? THREE WINS!!! I go to Michigan and act like a 19 year old on spring break? CHOKE IT UP TO THE PIRATES. (Sooooo painfully.)
This seems like foolproof logic. THE CARDINALS ARE DAMNING ALL OF US FOR MY SHENANIGANS.
And I apologize. Sort of. I mean, let’s be serious. I had a GREAT TIME! The only regret I have is over moving a picnic table closer to the firepit and NOT USING MY LEGS TO LIFT. (Seriously, it feels like there are flaming ropes with spikes tied around my lower back muscles. It’s pleasant!)
In any case, the likelihood of me sustaining any kind of lifestyle that doesn’t occasionally involve frozen pizza in the middle of the night is probably quite slim. I feel like I owe it to you guys to AT LEAST be honest about my arrested state of development. So, if my hypothesis is correct, (AND I’M SURE IT IS), you can look forward to the Cardinals being successful at baseball games again once 2047 rolls around and I am dead from severe back trauma and a horrible reaction to vodka and a Duraflame log.
THOSE WILL BE GLORIOUS YEARS!!!