Hello, my sweet darling! I just wanted to do a quick wellness check and see how you’re doing. I mean, nothing is bothering me in particular, but you haven’t quite seemed like yourself today. Are you mad at me for something? Did I accidentally leave the stove on? Stain one of your shirts?
MURDER YOUR FIRST BORN CHILD WITH A PICKAXE???
I simply cannot understand why you would do this to me. Yes, dear, I understand that you threw SO MANY BASEBALLS in your last start. Like, 128 of them. But, is your arm broken and do you need therapy or perhaps a big hug and DO YOU NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE???
NINE RUNS??? IN 2 INNINGS??? WHAT ON EARTH HAS COME OVER YOU???
I don’t think I have to remind you that the Cardinals are in a heated fight for the division title. I believe that you are probably acutely aware of this and also just as (IF NOT MORE!) invested in this last stretch of baseball games as I am. (By a slim margin, I’m sure.)
HOWEVER, there has to be something you’re not telling me.
Did you not sleep well last night? Did you bang your shoulder on a poorly executed walk through a doorway, because I can TOTALLY RELATE TO THAT! Were you so profoundly disgusted by Miley Cyrus at the VMAs that you have lost all faith in humanity and no longer have any will to live JUST MAKE IT ALL STOP WE ARE ALL HUMAN GARBAGE AND NOTHING MATTERS???
I just want you to be okay, Adam.
We are in love.
And while I realize that people who care so deeply for one another may have these kinds of days, it is not okay to go to bed wanting to destroy every living organism on the face of our great planet with fire and flesh eating diseases.
I would just like for you to explain yourself to me and then apologize and then promise to never ever in a million years EVER do this to me again.
Please just remember that I love and support you unconditionally.
Except for tonight, because GOOD GOD I’M SO MAD AND YOU ARE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND I’M NOT GOING TO LUNCH WITH YOUR WEIRD AUNT SHE SMELLS FUNNY AND ALSO A SANDWICH CANNOT HEAL THE HOLE IN MY HEART YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD!!!
In any event, I’m sure we’ll work through this. Our love is forever!!!