Live Blog 2

Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 4

Last week, the world record for vertical kissing was set. Kacie B gave Jean Luc-Picard faceplam burn. And beach volleyball was stripped of it's Olympic Sport status.

But tonight? 

Tonight a plague descends on the 13 remaining contestants. A plague of BAD ENERGY CALLED TIERRA.
Just like JT, she's bringing needy back. 
7:03 – Selma is the first contestant this season to drop the B-Word. Nothing, and I mean nothing, wilts the rose like baby talk. 
Side: There have been 16 (not counting this one) seasons of The Bachelor and 8 seasons of The Bachelorette. You know how many couples are still together? 4 (counting Jason and Molly). You know how many have babies? 2. 
The odds are not with you Selma. The more you know. 
7:05 – Private jet? That's gonna get you a little elbow job mister. 
7:11 – 2 people crawling deep into a moist brown rock crevasse. Hmmm, I think this might be a metaphor for something, but I can't quite put my finger on it. 
7:21 – There is a lot you don't know about my family… my uncle is BAGHDAD BOB
7:23 – My mom is pretty strict… I used to have a sister, until she was late for supper and she was launched into Iran ON A SCUD MISSILE!
7:32 – Chances that the real roller derby girls want to whip the living piss out of every single one of these contestants? 101%.
7:43 – If I'm going to the hospital, I'm not going to the hospital in an unmarked 4 door Prius. Pathetic. I'm embarrassed for everyone. 
7:54 – "This is just like Pretty Woman"? Suddenly I'm much more interested in Leslie's back story. More flashbacks puh-lease.
7:57 – Hot tubbin' with babe intercepted by emotional breakdown. #NIGHTMARE
8:10 – Is everyone aware that before the whole Rodeo Drive scene, Julia Roberts was HAVING SEXY TIME WITH TOTAL STRANGERS FOR MONEY
8:26 – Leslie has been sent home with the dreaded 'lack of a romantic connection'. Or, what I like to call the real life ending to Pretty woman.
8:45 – If you're a girl and you are looking to get married, take out the nosering. Name me a happily married woman that wears a nosering. You can't. Because it doesn't exist. 
CUT – Leslie, Amanda (who wore the lipstick of death?)
NEXT WEEK – 2 days? 2 NIGHTS? Bad Girls Club on network TV, hypothermia.

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Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 4

It’s week 4 of The Bachelor: Winemaker. BachelorBen

Last week Shawntel was aborted after trying a sneak attack date in San Francisco. This week the grape god takes the 13 remaining bachelorettes to Park City Utah. Because lilly white people love Park City Utah. 

7:04 – Fresh WC and I sat through 7 hours of Bachelor taping. If you think Chris Harrison is shooting these 3 minute monologues in multiple takes, think again. He’s the Peter North of reality dating shows. The first shot is the money shot. Do not Google this at work.

7:11 – If you’re old enough to want to get married, you’re old enough to take out the nose ring. What’s the point after high school? Employers don’t take you seriously. Men think you’re a slut. And your parents are embarrassed. Take it out. 

7:15 – Nosering is straining for conversation and The Winemaker seems perplexed. What’s holding her back? Ben, it’s a little thing called acumen. Grey matter isn’t distributed equally amongst humans. 

7:31 – Bachelor Pro Tip: When you announce your plans to go horse riding, look for the overly enthusiastic reaction. That girl probably has daddy issues. 

7:37 – Props when props are due… The Model catching a fish with a fly reel is genuinely impressive. Unless it was rigged by the producers. I don’t put anything past those devil people. They probably shocked the water and zapped that poor fish into cardiac arrest. Forget I said anything. They definitely electrocuted that fish. 

7:47 – “I don’t see this going much further.” NEVER. EVER. Put baby in a corner. You got multiple group dates and you have the stones to complain? TO HELL! 

7:49 – Also, mush like nose jewelry, electric pink suitcases aren’t a buying sign for marriage. 

8:00 – The Model is Evaristo Felice Dall’Abaco. Ben is a Stradivarius. 

8:22 – Point of clarification: Clay Walker is not a superstar. Lady Gaga? Superstar. Prince? Superstar. Clay Walker is playing a faux-concert for a Bachelor date. Not that he’s a bad act. Quite the opposite, but let’s pump the brakes on the superlatives. Also, if he’s married to a supermodel, he’s getting dumped soon. Right Seal?

8:34 – Ladies, this is your great hope here. She beat the odds of her childhood and become successful. She’s set and reached several goals in life and over-achieved. She’s a EFFING doctor. And she can’t help herself from shit talking other women. If she can’t rope in the crazy, is there hope for anyone else?

8:44 – “I know myself really well”. Amen.

8:45 – The doctor got PWND. If you’re going to play the shit talking game, you better be ready to PLAY THE SHIT TALKING GAME. You can’t half-ass is, Doc. Also, you got a ‘Winning’ dropped on you. At the time of taping, this probably was a lot more impactful than it is now.

8:57 – Only one jogged off tonight. Hopefully Monica’s future wife is thankful for this dumping.

8:58 – “I was just there.” Of course she was. Of course she was. 

Next Week:

You better check yourself bitch. Beacuse The Model is taking off her clothes. 


About athooks

For more, follow on Twitter. Just click the link below.