Live Blog 6

Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 8

Last week, Obama ordered a drone strike against our hearts, we bore witness to an errant eyebrow kerfuffle and sparkle? TAKEN. 



But Tierra wasn't lying when she said men love her, because she's already engaged. Seriously.



This week?



It's hometown date week.



You never get a second chance to make a first impression… Head & Shoulders VALIDATED.



7:04 – Lots of unanswered questions about this 'marriage' of AshLee's. Like did the city clerk not ask for an ID? Did they still go to prom? Did the bride double as the flower girl?



7:12 – Show of hands… Who knew the twist tonight would be Jeff Fisher being AshLee's dad?



7:16 – Friends, that's what you call a hard close from Coach. Even had the crocodile tear come down the cheek. Dick Vermeil is somewhere, happy.



7:25 – I've spent 5 minutes trying to come up with a semi-family friendly fish slash Bachelor joke. Mercy. Insert your own joke here.



7:35 – Big Sis? More like a big cock block. But the more important question is why the back of the refrigerator facing the dining room? Somebody call the Property Brothers ASAP.



7:50 – I don't know what y'all are talking about. Looks like the Army is pretty cool to me. Didn't know you got to make out and stuff during basic training. 



8:00 – That moment when you ask the General to marry his first born can be awkward. Handled it like a pro



8:09 – Wait, the tent isn't in the canyon? 

 
8:12 – AWWWWWWW HELL NO! The old boyfriend put on his best Polo shirt, tucked it into his jeans, discovered a pair of balls and decided to crash the hometown date? 
 
8:17 – And it was a prank. 
 
8:20 – Nate. The brother. He's got it all figured out. Plus some bitching knuckle tattoos. What about relationships, Nate? "PFFFT. Lot's of guys will make you happy. That's not what it's all about."
 
8:21 – Nate, what about if this really happened and Sean proposed? "I'd be saying to myself, there's NO WAY this would work out."
 
8:28 – Nate, what was on your word of the day calendar? "Reciprocation."
 
8:30 - Couple of things here. 1) Anyone that had 'BOLD' tatted on their hand is not the kind of guy that plays well on The Bachelor. 2) Holy pointer finger. 
     
                            
 
8:32 – Nate, you think he's the one? "This guy is not the one." And if you disagree, he'll poke your eyeball through your skull.
 
8:50 - Nate was raised in a tent. And in the grand scheme of things, he shouldn't be expected to know how to act on reality TV.  Let's not forget that when we all pile on Nate tomorrow. 
 
Then again, Nate has been the most interesting thing about this season. 
 
SEAN… quick, change your mind. We need Nate back! NAAAAAAAATE!!!
 
CUT: Desiree
 
TOMORROW NIGHT:  Filler so ABC can milk 2 more hours out of the show. 
 
athooks

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Nicki

Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 8


It’s week 8 of The Bachelor: Winemaker. BachelorBen

Last week the Model gave us the double barrel finger guns while the Rx was banished after barehanding some lobster. Let’s get to the hometown dates.

7:02 – Lindzi’s hometown of Ocala is up first. And she takes him to her horse farm. You know how many poor people have horse farms? No poor people have horse farms. And to have a horse farm in Florida? CHA-CHING.

7:11 – “We have a tradition at the Cox household… carriage racing.” Later, they’ll be heading to the Duck Tales gold vault for a swim. Then maybe to Occupy Ocala to burn a pile of one dollar bills. Such a worthless denomination.

7:14 - “He wasn’t good for her.” Translation = son of a bitch only had a low-yield IRA after Bernie Madoff screwed his daddy silly. Motherfucker was probably driving a Ford.

7:25 – It’s time for Kasey B’s hometown date in Clarksville TN, about an hour north of Nashville. Little known fact: Clarksville TN the birthplace of yeast infections. 

7:36 – How old is the sister again? (Who is much more familiar with the straight iron, by the way.)

7:40 – Ben, dad doesn’t like you. Not even a little.

7:41 – Kasey B’s parents are making cockblocking look EASY. It’s a tour de force of turnoff. I DON’T want you moving in. I WON’T give approval for marriage. Thanks for nothing mom and dad.

7:51 – Next, The Winemaker is off to Fort Worth TX for a date with Nicki. Here’s a picture of Nicki getting hammered in Fort Worth. 


7:53 – Cowboy hats aren’t for everyone. Remember that.

8:05 – Now that’s a sensitive man, friends. Doug feels he let Nicki down by giving her hand away too readily. As he sheds tears of joy at his daughters newfound happiness with Ben. Followed by a moving toast at dinner. Ben might be more attracted to Doug than Nicki by the end of this date. I know I am.

8:08 – L-Bomb. 

8:14- Scottsdale AZ. It’s Model time.

8:18 – “A newfound appreciation for new love.” I don’t know what that means, but it’s so true. 

8:23 - What the hell was that meet the parents date? Normal? Quite the letdown, Courtney. Let’s talk turkey here. I’ve been described as ‘nice’ by many good looking girls. You know how many of them wanted to get married? That’s right… none. Girls don’t use the word nice as a compliment. 

8:31 – Forced wedding vow writing? A fake wedding? This is girl is like Ray Lewis playing high school football. The same game, but it really wouldn’t be fair for Ray Ray to pad up Friday nights. (Side: if he doesn’t pick Courtney for the final rose, how does the girl he does pick feel right now?) 

8:34 – He put a ring on it.

Almost_Married-1
Rose 1 – Courtney. 

Rose 2 – Lindzi. 

Rose 3 – Nicki.

Cut - Kasey B. A win for overbearing parents everywhere. What the fuck happened? Well Kasey… there is no way you’re watching tonight’s show and happy with mom and dad. What the fuck indeed.

Next Week?

Overnight dates. And a surprise guest.

athooks

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