Bachelorette Live Blog: Episode 1

It's the second most asked question I get when people read these Live Blogs of The Bachelorette: It just isn't as good, right? 


The Bachelorette is pretty much superior in every way.

(In case you were wondering what most asked; no I'm not gay.)

When the women get cast on The Bachelor, they know the show. They have a plan.

Like preparing for a boxing match without knowing the opponent… they're going to be ready to kick whoever's ass shows up when they get in that mansion.

(Or out charm the other girls, or out sweet the other girls or out (fill in the blank) the other girls.)

They know the stakes. They're ready to take it up 10 notches.

The bros?

The bros are just coming into this house looking for a good time. Maybe they got talked into a casting call. Maybe they think it'll help them get a job or become famous. Maybe it'll help them get chicks after the show.

But they're not preparing to fall in love.

And then some of them do. And when girls fall in love, it's cute, but expected. When bros fall in love, shit gets crazy.

Watch this:

That doesn't happen on The Bachelor. It won't every happen on The Bachelor. But because dudes that fall in the deep end of their feeling pools without water wings? The drowning bcomes that much more painful to watch.


Yes, it's a bunch of dudes trying to find love. It's better than you think. No, I'm not gay. 

Let's Date Dez…

7:03 – Honda Accords are a very reliable investment as far as as cars go. Over/under 4 episodes before we get a date involving a tent. In case you missed last season… Dez grew up P-O-O-R. The producers will not let you forget

7:04 – Friends, we've been on air for less that :30 seconds and have met 0 guys. Dez is already in tears.

7:05 – More tears in the callback to getting dumped last season.

7:06 – More tears when Dez recalls the callback to getting dumped last season. Pre-market trading of Kleenex stock Tuesday is already up $0.10.

7:24 – When a girl breaks your heart and you join the military? That's a bad breakup. Thanks for the service, though. Some insurgents took the brunt of that one.

7:27 – Magic is about to make a big comeback. Check out Bill Simmons and Nathan Fielder talking about this here: (41:16 mark)

7:29 – Robert: "If you see a guy on a corner, spinning a sign, we invented that." Who knew? I looked it up and Robert also invented rock, paper, scissors to decide arguments. And flying flags at half-staff to honor our deceased. Oh, and roses to show love. He gets credit for those too. 

7:30Intervention was canceled. Looks like ABC is picking up the slack?

7:39 – Mike. Poor Mike. He really misjudged the depth of that fountain basin, didn't he? I mean he allllllmost decided to go arm deep, but pulled the cord on that one once his French cuff got damp. Damn deep basins

7:41 – #NotGettingARose

7:43 – Jonathan gives Dez the chance to sleep with him and seems to be a bit taken aback that this isn't met with enthusiasm. If this isn't an act, he's on the short list of creepiest guys you've every met. 
7:44 – "Will you accept these abs?" 
7:47 – Diogo. May not speak English, but DOES show up in a full armor suit. And here's how the abs guy reacts. Remember, this is coming from a guy in a room with 24 other guys in suits and he doesn't have his his shirt on…
I have to admit, I didn't catch the name of the guy who compared the armor to guys getting their eyebrows waxed, but I'm not even going to lie… PERFECT analogy.
7:58 – Ripped form the pages of 'Good Parenting' magazine: Use kid to try and pick up chicks, then ditch him in order to drink and travel the world for a month. Will not cause any problems whatsoever for anyone. 
8:10 – Ben gets the first rose for the season. And seems to be very proud he baited the hook with his offspring. Looks like I got to find a kid somewhere. All this time I've been doing it wrong.
8:18 – I've got a guy getting in his undies and jumping in the pool, and that should be a layup. But we've got a guy yelling 'hashtag streakage' and it's just too much. Also, remember that catcalls aren't ironic in the editing room and they can live with you for a long time.
8:20 – Zak gets a rose for his pool jump. 
8:33 – Jonathan (AKA: The Ultimate Creepster) has to be putting on a act. According to him… his "love tank has not been depleted in years" and is pretty insistent that they go to the Fantasy Suite. He's 0-2. No guy is this dumb. Not one, right?
8:35 – #FantasySuiteFail
8:36 – Jonathan is off the show. While that's good news for Dez, unless he's in protective custody or you have a penis, I'd lock your dead bolts tonight.
8:38 – Chris Harrison has to remind the bros that sex will not be had in the mansion until Dez wants to have sex in the mansion. And to always remember that's rule #1. 
CUT: Jonathan, Larry, Nick (magic isn't all the way back yet), Diogo
THIS SEASON: Fist fights, girlfriends, dodge ball junk shots, choke holds, things getting real, secrets, words being put in mouths, cussing, crying, more crying, a little bit more crying, good guys winning out, clarity, trust restored, making out, l-bombs.


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