It’s Week 3.
Last week Emily made a guy stare at a bunch a kids out of a mini van window and called it a date. She interrogated another guy on his motives for being on the show and called it a date. She took a guy out for a romantic dinner, dumped him and then had a fireworks display.
And called it a date.
This week, if you see a car battery and jumper cables in her day bag… RUN. Emily has only one true love. And his name is PAIN.
But before we get to it, let’s enjoy this little YouTube gem from reader Ashley Y. LINK HERE
7:02 – ‘Mommy’ talks like Daddy. Looks like Patty and Selma have found their long lost third sister.
7:05 – The damnedest things happen when a producer prods you for soundbites. I’m sure Chris thought he was being slick talking about how good Emily looked in her climbing harness. But in post-production, that turned into: Chris has a raging harness fetish and is going to have trouble scaling a building engorged.
7:14 – “I’m a MAN.” – Chris (With a harness fetish.)
7:16 – Another parking lot country concert? Do the have parking lots that are strictly for dating in Charlotte? We’re about a week away from a dedicated Tumblr being able to have enough content to launch.
7:18 – That moment when you run up real close to the people on TV with your beard to make sure you’re on TV and get very, very excited. (In fairness, the two young girls that ran up and then ran away were the first one to make it to them before realizing they shouldn’t mob the couple and kind of scurried away.)
7:25 – Looks like Chris has some new spank bank material with that Charlotte Observer story? Hopefully that story is still on line when he sees this tonight.
7:26 – Private PAIN decides that she can inflict maximums carnage by bringing in support troops to interrogate these dirty plebes. Line-up scum, it’s time for the white glove inspection!
7:30 – So cool that Mindy Kaling is friends with Emily.
7:32 – Whoa, whoa, whoa. We’re just going to let that whole ‘Travis, did you fertilize that egg’ question slide ? I genuinely wanted to know the answer to that. Is that a hybrid ostrich slash Bachlorette growing in there? Because if it is, then, holy shit.
7:48 – Tony, let’s have a talk here. Man to man. In 10-15 years, you and your son are going to be watching this season of The Bachlorette. And he’s going to turn to you and ask you why Emily wasn’t his new mom. Because, that would have been awesome for him. But you seem hell bent, Tony. Hell bent on getting shipped off the show because your son didn’t know where North Carolina was. Once your son knows what you’re blowing right now, he’s going to be pissed.
7:56 – Tony’s talking to a kid voice is pretty brutal. Just keeping it real.
7:58 - Private PAIN is dishonorably discharging Tony from this maneuver. Stand down, Tony. This show is no place for tears.
8:10 - How old is Dolly Parton? 66 years old. She was born at the end of WWII. That woman is defying age, people. She’s a national treasure. And on a serious note, Dollywood isn’t nearly as awful a place as you’re picturing in your head tonight.
8:23 – That wasn’t a joke, son. Fake dumpings are another cruel torture device in a seemingly unlimited arsenal. Suzanne Collins based the fucking gamemakers on Emily Maynard.
8:32 – “I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish.” – Kalon to Emily
8:35 – NOOOOOOOO!!!! The hybrid ostrich Bachelorette bird man smashed for no good reason? That could have been our new master. That could have been the perfect thing. Now? Nothing. My heart hurts.
8:37 - “Compromise”. Not the best word to use when describing A) kid of the girl you’re courting B) marriage C) sex. Alessandro almost hit all three. But two out of three should be suffice for a hasty exit tonight.
8:38 – That didn’t take long. Man-Bieber is cut.
8:46 – Sean’s rationale for being a great dad? Because, get this, he HAS a dad. And his dad has been around for 28 years. Shut the lights off, I think we’re done here.
8:55 - Not much drama at the rose ceremony since Private PAIN can’t wait that long for heads to roll. But she does manage to dump Stevie just to send a message.
Cut: Tony, Alessando, Stevie
Next Week: The carnage continues, of course. But what else? America’s Cup qualifying. Bros coming at each other. Ryan turns heel. And hopefully a little more Hollywolf than we had this week.