Live Blog 5

Bachelorette Live Blog: Episode 4

Last week we saw the reason PRISM was created (Brandon) and the reason the Lulu App was created (Brian), but we didn't see Dez fall in love. 

That's what we're here for people. To watch our heroine meet her hero.

No, the producers have stacked the deck with jokers that aren't hanging around the mansion for the 'right reasons'.

But this week, with the help of Mr. Chris Harrison, it's time to suss out the top 10. If you're with rose in tow after tonight, shit? Shit is getting real.

And without a clear favorite (sorry Brooks, an IV, breathing tube and smelling salts for a broken finger brings you back to the pack), it's anyone's heart to lose.

Let's date…

7:01 – The Bachelors are headed to New Jersey. Odds on special guest appearances: Springsteen (1500 to 1), Chris Christie (100 to 1), Bon Jovi (5 to 1), Steve Schirripa (1 to 100 – serving pizza on the boardwalk)

7:04 – Just to clarify, Atlantic City… NOT like Las Vegas on the water. Not anytime soon, at least.

7:12 – I was trying to think of who Brad reminds me of. A metronome.

7:25 – Christopher Dean, world famous pageant coach everybody! I just don't want the next 20 minutes to come. I really don't. Does anyone actually read this crap? Do I seriously have to watch?

7:29 – Fun fact, Mr. America was the nickname of Gene Stanlee, who is credited with bringing showmanship into professional wrestling back in the 1940s.

7:38 – Here is a list of talents in no order. Only one is made up. Tap dancing, stripping, ukulele, ribbon twirling, poetry, high-heel hula hooping, stripping, guitar/singing, dressage. 

7:41 – Kasey wins 'Mr. America'. I'll never get that time back. Ever. 
8:00 – Nothing gets a date off to a hotter start than taking a helicopter tour of a devastating natural disaster. 
8:08 – Now we're going to get a ground tour of Hurricane Sandy with a very special meeting of random victims. 
8:19 – What? What did he do? Armed robbery? Assault? MURDER!?
8:20 – Nope. James cheated on his girlfriend. Freshman year of college. You know who else cheated their first year of college, James? Everyone. Everyone cheated.
8:31 – Friends, when a hurricane destroys all your personal possessions, you'll find out who your true friends are. 100% of the time, Hootie is your friend. 
8:43 – Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this on Michael's finger? Where's the IV tube? Where's the oxygen mask? Huh, Brooks? HUH?
8:45 – Bryden, probably not cut out for this. He's done our country proud. Now he needs to take some time for himself. He's earned it. 
8:55 – Bryden, coming back for some more. 
CUT: Brad, Zack K.
NEXT WEEK: More sausage, ski lifts, sledding, L-Bombs teases, James the Next Bachelor, giving up, good Christians, Armageddon. 

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Bachelorette Live Blog: Episode 4

It’s Week 4. MaynardLiveBlog

Last week Emily callously destroyed a hybrid bachelor contestant slash ostrich egg, got told her child was a compromise and revealed she was friends with Kelly Kapoor. 

This week?

This week we’ve got a special treat for you. We went ahead and watched Episode 4 with Mr. John Wolfner, who OBITHEWAY, happens to be going on a little 2 on 1 date this week. The reason this post is a bit delayed? I wanted to re-edit it and take out all the spoilers, but leave in the stuff that you wouldn’t know unless you were on the show. You’ll see those comments from John in the parenthesises. And thanks to Otto’s for the hospitality. They’re peaches. 

Let’s date…

7:02 – Unfortunately for the guys, they’re not going to have another 10 weeks in Charlotte. Tough luck, right? But they’re headed to Bermuda, so I think they’ll make it. (Turns out the producers let them know this the night before and that reaction shot you just saw was acting.)

– Scooter gang. Haven’t seen one this tough since Wilmer Valderrama and Tom Hanks un-ironically rode hard in Hollywood.

– What son wouldn’t want a postcard from their dad hanging out in Bermuda with a girl that 12 other guys are trying very hard to rail? Every son. 

– Doug’s other faults: donating too much to charity, loving reading, refusal to let jaywalkers go without a stern talking to, and one time he thinks he might of accidentally gone to by clicking on a banner ad for a Depends coupon his grandpa might appreciate. Note: Do NOT go to Seriously. (Doug’s real biggest flaw? He was up and down the whole time. Including a couple of times yelling at producers about filming his meltdowns…)

– Hollywolf and Nate are summoned for the 2 on 1 date. A bit surreal watching a guy watch himself get watched by 3 million people about to go on a date where he one wrong move could lead to massive fucking embarrassment. (John embraced the 2 on 1, figuring that he could either make a name for himself or get eliminated before he was attached.)

– Ryan calls Emily his “trophy wife”. (After hearing John repeatedly hammer on Ryan, I think he was by far the most hated guy in the house, at least amongst the other guys. The producers tried to push Kalon as the ‘bad’ guy, but Ryan was a chode all on his own.)

– “I’m not here to impress you, but make an impression on you.” 

– “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.”

– “To who much is given, much is required.”

– “I was praying for you, for you to use the opportunity to impact a ton of people.” – I think John might be telling the truth on Ryan.

– (Wolf reveals the following about his 2 on 1 date: The food they served really wasn’t meant to eat and they were fed during the break. The producers asked him to go down to the water and kick it around for a cinematic shot, but it got cut. The cave was even cooler in person than what it looked like on TV.)

8:11 – Here’s the face of a man crying. He’s probably thinking about what The Wolf is going to do on his one on one time. About how he didn’t really have a chance going man to man with a closer. About how he’s going to spin this date back home. 

8:14 – (John says that there was a kiss on this date and it was not shown.)

– They’re calling Alejandro a ‘Mushroom Farmer’. He also created a sustainable product that you can buy in Whole Foods and that makes him a significant amount of money.

8:27 – The ‘local media’ would be interested in The Bachelor: Augusta. Starring Ryan. Only one problem though… no women

8:37 – If it looks like Doug doesn’t know what the hell Chris is talking about, it’s because Doug doesn’t know what the hell Chris is talking about. This is what it sounds like when guys get drunk. 

8:47 – I’ve seen less filler in a Aldi bratwurst. Enough interviewing. This isn’t Charlie Rose… let’s move this along.

BP1                                                   (Pic of the party. The Wolf is in the red circle. Such photography)

Cut: Charlie, Michael Who May Have Just Joined The Show Last Week Not Sure Though

Next Week: London calling; baggage handling.


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