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Bachelorette Live Blog: Episode 5

Last week? 

We took a trip to Atlantic City with a long layover in GUILT CITY.

So you didn't really do anything for the Hurricane Sandy victims the first time.

Then you got reminded what a monster you were for ignoring the disaster away.

So what did you do?


You screwed over that sweet old couple. AGAIN. I hope you sleep well in your Mahmoud Ahmadinejad PJs on your Saif al-Adel bedspread. 

Also, we saw men in thongs roller skate, wear high-heels and play songs that the aforementioned men wouldn't wish on their worst enemy.

So there's that.

Let's date…

7:03 – The brothel traverses to Munich, Germany. I just Googled Image searched 'Munich Romance' and this popped up: 

Perfect? Perfect.

7:20 – Bryden quits the show, but not before sparks FLEW. Have you ever had to tell your boss you were taking a vacation day? Or ordered off a menu at McDonald's? Maybe asked a stranger where a building was located? Then you can totally understand what just happened?


7:26 – "I need to go murder Ben." Interesting dating analogy for a Federal Prosecutor. Methinks some inmates in Lindenhurst NY might be interested in teasing his thought process out a bit further. 

7:32 – I may or may not have spent 5 minutes trying to get a freeze frame on that journal. I swear that think looked typed. If it's not, Chris has a font hand. 

7:44Mel Brooks is yodeling now?

7:55 – Mini snowmen? MINI snowmen? Big red flag there, Dez. BIG. I hope you're going to remember that at the rose ceremony, because you never go mini when there's that much snow. You go MAXY.

7:57 – It may be 10 degrees out, but Zak is still going to rock that deep V. You're always dressed right when you're in a deep V.
8:05 – "Today is Armageddon." – Michael. We're an hour into this and not one bratwurst usage. I'd like that noted for the record.
8:09 – Too many thermoses. 
8:10 – Let's have some real talk for a second. If you're in a hot tub boat drinking, you've got to put differences aside and get lit. You just do. 
8:22 – Raise your hand if you're feeling a little uncomfortable with religion being used as a 2 on 1 date wedge? 
8:33 – Ben gets the insta-cut and big boys Dez on the way out. But if you thought the snitchin' was done for the night, you're wrong. These guys are itching to taddle. 
8:46 – OOOOHHHH… You'll have to save your snitchin' until next week, brosephs. Dez decides to deep 6 the cocktail party. Also, I had to search for the spellings of taddle and snitchin'.
(Side Note: shouldn't Dez be having a few more emotions when cutting guys at this point? I mean these dismissals are cold.)
CUT: Bryden, Ben, Mikey T. 
NEXT WEEK: Drew snitches, Brazil, hand holding, kissing, James get heated, James tears up, Dez tears up, Dez goes on a boat and tears up, James gets heated again, breaks may or may not be given.

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Bachelorette Live Blog: Episode 5

It’s Week 5. MaynardLiveBlog

Last week the boys rode scooters, had a fight about what age is old enough to fall in love for reals and cried. In other words, they re-enacted the average day of a five year old. 

This week?

This week more like London CRYING AMIRITE? The boys and Maynard head over to England to try an get in her Piccadilly Circus. Eat her fish n’ chips. See her Beefeater. 

This is probably out of my system. Probably.

Let’s Date…

7:04 – Maybe we’re biased, but I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a better date card reading than HollyWolf just gave us right there. Perfect timing. Perfect Pitch. Perfect drama. Perfection. BTW, I wonder if John’s enjoying the CD Live Blog…

7:13 – “Guys that look like you are boring.” I feel for Sean on that one. There probably is no good retort there. 

– Sean stands up on ‘Speaker’s Corner’ and bloviates about love. He doesn’t know love, but he’s been in the presence of love. He wants this love and wants it badly. (Insert 2 more minutes of a guy standing on a crate, talking about love.) I’m pretty sure at that moment every Brit watching that wondered just how the fuck we beat them in the Revolutionary War. And probably thought about making another run at America.

– London Bridge is falling down? HI-YO!

7:32 – Ryan vs. Shakespeare? Monkey, meet your football. LINK HERE

– Kalon shoos Emily away so he can get more rehearsal time in? With Ryan? I’m not sure what Chopper’s game is, but it’s time call an audible. 

– Wolfner gets a wet, warm and rough kiss from Doug. Then kills it with with post his first nationally televised homosexual experience interview. A couple more weeks of this with another long Mad Men hiatus and I think we’re looking at the new face of St. Louis. 

– He’s pulling it out! Ryan is pulling it out! 

– Way smaller than expected, actually. The rope wasn’t that thick. He should buy more expensive jewelry.

– Ok, Kalon. You’re not totally wrong here. I don’t think that anyone is going to dispute your general point, in so much as a child is something to seriously consider when courting a man or woman. But you can’t use the word ‘baggage’. 

– Kalon is ordered to get ‘the fuck out’ by Maynard. He ended up being a turncoat. He couldn’t keep his Queen mum. He’ll have tons of tea time when he gets home. I kind of wish this show was based in London. 

– Etiquette coach. Wasn’t too impressed when Jef admitted that he once farted in a bucket. 

– Nice touch by Jef saluting Brit pop sensation Ellie Goulding by emulating her haircut LINK HERE (In fact, they might be, ironically, having a date in a big light.)

– While we watch Jef stroke Maynard’s back, it seems as good a time as any for this clip: LINK HERE 

– Old Billy Shakespeare? He just rolled over in his grave when Ryan decided for an impromptu Romeo and Juliet reading. It might not be possible for one man to restore the American school system. But one man can certainly put its credibility in doubt. You had a good run Billy, but I think we’ve reached the end.

Cut: Kalon, Alejandro

Next Week: Croatia AKA, every girls dream come true. HollyWolf making time. Snitching becomes vogue.


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