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Bachelorette Live Blog: Episode 6

Last week? 

The HassleBROS took a trip to Germany to try for a game of 'hide the bratwurst', but ended up getting their kraut soured when Bryden thew up the deuces and headed back to 'Merica.

Group dating is for the Euros, I suppose.

But it brought our ice queen Bachelorette to almost shed a tear. She didn't, though. And was able to make it to the 2 on 1 showdown between a prosecutor who casually mentions "killing" his competition and a Christian father who skipped out on church during Easter and his child's life all the other days.

I KID.

(Unless Michael is right. But again, he's a prosecutor that has "killing" as a back-pocket metaphor.)

I guess we're burying the lede. This was the episode that introduced many of us to the Hot Tug. The boat, that's a hot tub, that's powered by a fire.

Love is a many thing; a Hot Tug is one of them. You're the one for me Hot Tug. 

But before we can propose to that wonderful, wonderful testament to human innovation, we must first see grown men taddle on each other for not being in the house for the 'right reasons'. They're itchin' to start snitchin'.

Let's date…

7:03 – Beers. On grade school desks.



7:05 - Dez on Drew: "He's so romantic and passionate… about romance". That might inadvertently be the best one sentence description of The Bachelor series of all time.



7:15 - Looks like Drew is going full alligator roll on Dez in the ally. 



7:18Snitches get stitches. (Side: I just YouTube'd this phrase to see what came up and was not disappointed. At all.)



7:26 – Brooks refers to soccer as 'football'. That makes Messi sad.

7:45 - Let's break this down:
 
Yes. James said he'd be in a good position to be The Bachelor if he got to the final four. Yes, he was talking about all the chicks he can bag when he gets home. Yes, it was stupid. Probably fueled by a little booze.
 
But it's not disrespectful. James is right, it's guy talk. Worse, it's placated guy talk.
 
We've all been there. When the other dude is talking out of his ass and it's easier to just agree instead of making a big deal by disagreeing. You don't get worked up over placated guy talk. 
 
I'm the king of making up new words! 
 
7:48 - Counteraccusate. (de-throned) 
 
8:09 – Here's the portrait Zak made of Dez:
 
 
8:13 – Zak had the chance to vault into iconic Bachelorette status if he'd have gone full frontal nude. Right?
 
8:26 – Drew 1 – James 0. That was quite the pwning right there. If we're giving out awards this episode, Drew is the runaway MVP 90 minutes in.
 
8:38 - Text message received without comment: "I'm not sure, but I think Kasey is related to one of these two guys…" (LINK HERE) (via Daniel B.)
 
8:50 - 3 roses tonight. 3 going home.

CUT: Juan Pablo, James, Kasey.

NEXT WEEK: Choppers, horses, boats, sleds, beaches, picnics, L-bombs, kissing, stingrays, geysers, completion, uncontrolled things, tears, dock crying, Harrison, worst day of Brooks' life, shocked, lots of limos pulling away, more crying. 

athooks

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JW2

Bachelorette Live Blog: Episode 6


It’s Week 6. MaynardLiveBlog

Last week the Stop Snitching efforts were thwarted by Emily claiming that she cherishes nothing above above a good snitch. Kalon mis-read Emily and assumed that she also thought her kin blood was “baggage” and our favorite mushroom farmer was sent to that big fungus patch in the sky. 

This week?

This week Croatia. Home of the Museum of Broken Relationships. Finally. After all these years. Someone is recognizing the greatness of The Bachelor franchise.

I can’t wait to visit their (presumably hefty) curation. Maybe Bentley can cut the ribbon? Or just kind of hang out in a live exhibit? 

Let’s Date…

7:04 – Croatia? Really, this is what Croatia looks like? Who else pictured this?

7:11 - Ryan misses the “Mean Man” that appeared when he was on the football field. At least he doesn’t have, like, a 6+ minute highlight reel from his days playing from the Green Bay Blizzard floating out there. Oh, wait. He does. You’d be hard pressed to find 6+ minutes on the ENTIRE league out there, I would have assumed.

7:16 - Travis. Gets dumped on a dinner date. Still has the awareness to grab the wine. Well, played… OH WAIT… here come the waterworks. Nevermind. 

7:17 – The tears? I guess we’ve come to expect them. But throw in an umbrella toss in the rain? I was ready for The Smith’s to be playing next to a dumpster or something. 

7:33 – HollyWolf goes one armed on the log toss? Of course he does. St. Louis does 3 things well: 1) T-Ravs 2) Murder and 3) Upending logs. Yeah, bitches. 

7:37 – Arie eats bananas effeminately. 

7:50 - Did I just hear a back door L-Bomb? I think I did. We can’t count it as the first official L-Bomb since Chris qualified it so much, but he’s sending out some feelers on it.

8:01 – While Ryan and The Maynard eat oysters, let’s check in with HollyWolf back at the house and see if he’s worried.


8:09 – Ryan has a list of the Top 12 things he wants in a “trophy” wife. #2 LOGICAL #4 ENCOURAGER (Is that a word?) #7 MAGNETIC (As in she will literally attract metal objects) #12 CATCH HIS EYE (I swear, I’m not making this up.)

8:11 – Ryan is on the ropes. She wants a family. 

8:13 – The Maynard goes for the knockout… but Ryan is NOT GOING DOWN LIKE THAT. He’s off the mat. He’s landing some body blows. He. Could. Be. Talking. Himself. Back. In. This!

8:21 – KO’d. The Bachelor: Augusta seems to be a possibility now.

8:25 – I’m going out on a limb here. But if you’re talking to the cameramen on your final ride off the show about how you’re going to be edited, It’s hard to believe that you’re on this show for love. Call me cynical. 

8:41 – Bubble? Probably sending home? Does not compute… It’s time for HollyWolf to step it up. 

8:42 – That’s my dog.

8:56 – Emily decides at the rose ceremony that neither Doug nor John will get a rose. Because BOTH guys will get a rose. Exquisite drama, friends. These are the moments we watch for. 

Cut: Ryan, Travis

Next Week: Prague. Super Seriousness. And Arie may or may not be boning a producer of the show on the side, which could lead to some tension with The Maynard.

athooks

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For more, follow on Twitter. Just click the link below.

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