Live Blog 9(1)

Bachelorette Live Blog: Episode 7

Last week? 

Dez and The Bros flew to Spain to prove once and for all that women's soccer is superior to the men's game in every single way. (Proof? HERE and HERE)

Mission accomplished, friends. The 'beautiful game' has been buried once and for all in the United States. Hell, Messi is STILL sad.

Makes sense that ABC (ESPN) would want to kill any momentum soccer has made the past few years. They're losing the World Cup to FOX in 2018 and the Premier League to NBC this fall.

Do NOT cross the mouse.

In other news, what in the name of Francisco Goya happened to all the paella? My sophomore Spanish teacher SWORE that all people in Spain ate was paella. Yet we saw zero paella. No saffron at all. Not even in b-roll.

I've been living a lie, people. 

Let's date…

7:02 – All this talk about family and… AWWW WHAAAA? We forgot that this guy is still waiting to make his debut this season. 

7:06 – A special appearance from Catherine, Lesley and, umm… another girl from last season's Bachelor. No doubt they're here to provide Dez the needed support to get through the last stages of this magical journey. To provide prospective that only people that have traversed this path before can provide. 

Or they're here to hunt for tube steak. 

7:19 – This just in, I've got a comment from the clouds, since these two are so punny: LINK HERE

7:28 – "I'm a bit behind in my emotional process." Brooks explains his hesitation in going whole hog on his relationship with Dez. I'll put this here so we can all use this one later in our own lives, right? I mean you're going to use this too, RIGHT?

7:40 – Who else was hoping Chris was going to bust out some Cards Against Humanity instead of a twig pen and parchment for a poem? 

7:50 – Annnnd, we have the most drawn out L-Bomb in Bachelorette history. He seems like the kind of guy that sends flowers to the office "just because". Or initiates a re-commitment ceremony without his wife even asking. Pump. The. Brakes. Bub. 

8:09 – There's cheating. Then there is your girl on top of a mountain in Vail taking selfies with another dude and posting them on Facebook. Just saying. 

8:17 – Sweetest go-kart track of all time?

8:21 – If betting were legal. And if you could make bets on Bachelorette go-kart races… The line on Zak (+280) vs Drew (-280) would have been massive (estimates in parentheses). Was there any doubt? Whatsoever? 

8:32 – Drew with an L-Bomb. That's 2 for the day.

8:36 – Browsing the Ohio obits and someone came across this. Classic.

8:45 – Now that we're 105 minutes into this weeks episode, can we all agree that last week's teaser trailer might have been the most mis-leading video ever broadcast on TV? This was supposed to be a train wreck week. Instead, it's all but over?

CUT: Michael.

NEXT WEEK: Family, harmony, massage contraptions, overcome with love, the brother, the brother being a creeper. 


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Bachelorette Live Blog: Episode 7

It’s Week 7. MaynardLiveBlog

Last week Ryan got an early jump on Bachelor: Agusta (To be hosted by Hootie Johnson) while a bunch of other filler happened. Honestly, I just re-read the recap from last week and I can’t say it wasn’t the most boring episode of the season. 

Let’s step it up men. 

This week? The boys are in Prague, looking to see which one of the show producers decided to ‘test drive’ Arie before he got cast as a Bachlorette contestant. (See what I did there? Test drive?) Also, hometown dates next week homies. 

7:06 – “Ever have hot wine?” – Arie. As a matter of fact, we get 2 hours each week with Chris, so yes. Yes we’ve had whine. Hot? You be the judge. 

7:13 – Looks like Mr. Arie was fishing off the company peer and had previous relations with the person who is currently in charge of shaping the love life of the person that Arie is trying to bed… errr… court. Awkward Turtle

7:15 – Broseph. Man to man. When a girl keeps coming back to honesty over and over again in the same conversation… change the subject. It’s not going to end well for you. Ever. Never ever. (BTW – Emily is not threatened by ‘Cassie’ if she’s letting this go. That might be the one last trick the producers had in their back pocket for some drama… and it flopped.)

7:25 – L-BOMB. Arie dropped the first L-BOMB! That’s called coming over the top. 

7:33 – HollyWolf on the 1 on 1. Let’s go to the text messages. 

7:36 – First a cave, now a dungeon. Give STLs finest a fucking change, man. I mean what woman is day dreaming about her romantic dates in fucking dungeons and stalactite holes. Is that in 50 Shades of Grey? Hell no it isn’t. 

7:38 – Wolfner on that FILTHY WHORE who cheated on him. 

7:40 – Bring her home HollyWolf. Show her your Bevo Mill. 

7:47 – How big is Prague? 1.26M people big. But small enough to run out on to the streets, calling out yearningly for “Emily” and then “EMILY” before running into her in (another) immaculate ally before wild smooching commences. You want to find Prague? It’s just a quarter mile south of heaven. 

7:48 – Just for the record…

8:00 – “Thank you for that.” Poor Doug. He’s getting dumped and decides this is the time to make his move with a little mini-peck. That was 3 knuckle cringe moment. 

8:01 – “Have a good one.” Ooooof. Looks like that son should have been a little more racy in his letters, eh?

8:24 – Jef with one f and Emily are re-enacting their relationships with marionettes. It’s times like these where I don’t know how I got to the point to where I’m writing re-caps of this stupid, stupid show. Does anyone want to come to my office tomorrow and punch me in the face? I deserve it. 

8:34 – This date with Jef won’t end. Oh, hey. Here’s an e-mail from my mom. Wonder what she thinks about tonight’s episode?

8:41 – HollyWolf is feeling good. He’s headed for a lucky Linbergh. Chris, on the other hand? He’s about as stable as a 20 minute old Jenga game. 

8:53 – Roses for Arie and Jef with one f… when Chris decides to stop the rose ceremony? To drop a (partial) L-BOMB! This is some back-door shit, Christopher. Give Wolf equal time! The defense just can’t pull the jury aside before the verdict, can they? B.S.

– Wolfner got jobbed. 

8:57 – Emily Denkinger Maynard, more like it.

8:58 – Our boy Wolfner represented STL big time this season. No fears. No tears. Cheers HollyWolf, let the reward be the journey. And by journey, I mean to Lucas Park this Saturday. You in?

Cut: Doug, Wolfner (Sigh)

Next Week: Hometowns. And tears. Sweet mercy are there tears. 


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