Live Blog 9(2)

Bachelorette Live Blog: Episode 8

Last week? 

Last week Dez… hmmm… you know what… what the hell did happen last week?

*Checks last blog*

Oh that's right. Nothing. Nothing happened. Then nothing happened some more. In fact, I believe that Samuel Beckett wasn't quoted so much as he was predicting the future when he said "Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness."

At least America is revolting! Take a look at the ratings from last week.

Actually, ABC won the night. By a pretty wide margin. Which means that we're going to be stuck with one of these guys you're watching tonight as the next Bachelor.

And we'll watch.

But it doesn't mean we have to like it.

Let's date…

It's hometown date week. The bros are going to take Dez back to their old stompin' grounds to see the beginnings of their beings. They may or may not be headed to 4 flour and yeast factories. You know, plain white bread. Bland. Kind of like these guys?


7:03 – Anything worse than hearing about people's dreams? Maybe hearing about someone's fantasy football team, but that's about it. Don't do this to people.

7:06 – Mix your own snow cone truck? Are we going to act like we had this when we were kids? Because I think we would have lost our shit times 1000 if a snow cone truck where you can mix your own cone rolled up. No wonder kids are such punks now.

7:16 – Well, hello Carly.

7:18 – You ever picture how you'd be in some of these situations? I mean, this girl is in a house full of strangers, followed by a camera crew, getting serenaded with a song about, well, herself. I'd be really bad with all of that.

7:19 – Now she gets a ring? Is the show over? Please?

7:20 – Drew goes on a hometown date.

7:40 – Drew's hometown date ends. He drops his first L-Bomb.

7:49 – Chris is blown away that a women could have athletic talent. He seems genuinely tickled that Dez can catch, throw and hit a baseball. It's 2013.

8:00 – So WHAT the WHAT is going on in this basement? I'm not even joking – what was that balloon in the nose business? What does that do? I Google'd it and still can't figure it out.

8:02 – Mom's got so much salt, they call her 'The Shaker'. The two words not allowed on The Bachelorette are 'Real' and 'World'. 

8:13 – I take it back. A wet shoe/sock combo. That's the new worst thing.
8:23 – Mom comes strong with the whole "all my children have married well" angle and fortified Brooks' power play moves. At this point it's going to be a huge upset if he doesn't win. 
8:31 – Finally. It's been almost 9 episodes. But now we have our first sighting of… THE NATE. 
8:42 – And of course THE NATE apologies, doesn't get to meet the bros and walks away, hat in hand. Disappointment everywhere. 
8:52 – Zak gets the short haircut. Will she keep the promise ring? No. No she doesn't. But what about the box?! That was a nice little box.
8:57 – He threw it out the window. Right out the window.
CUT: Zak.
NEXT WEEK: Men tell all. Eruptions. Shocking. Pigs. Gloves coming off. James' good looking women. 

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Bachelorette Live Blog: Episode 8

It’s Week 8. MaynardLiveBlog

Last week Emily made the worst decision of her life. A decision that will wrack her with guilt and keep her up for hours each day of the life she has left. A decision that has no equal in the history of mankind. Last week, she sent HollyWolf home.

STLs finest. The next Jon Hamm. Did Florence reject Michelangelo’s David? No. No they didn’t. Yet Emily has repudiated our generation’s masterpiece. 

For shame, Maynard. For shame.

This week? It’s hometown date week. 4 men. 4 cities. 4 sets of parents that could sink the hopes of a future failed engagement. You know, unless the parents have better things to do. The stakes are high, friends. 

Let’s date…


7:07 – We all know Crazy Chris is going home tonight. So to make things interesting… a drinking game!

7:14 – Polish bars in Chicago: Wood paneling? Yes. Plastic foliage? Yes. Customers? No. 

7:25 – As a former English major, I’m not confident that either the Dad, nor Emily are speaking it. I recognize words here and there, but diagramable sentences? Not so much. 

7:29 – L-BOMB. (Side note – Chris can’t be happy about that big zit over his right eye. He probably doesn’t even get acne all that often, but bad luck Chris has his bi-annual zit on his hometown date. It’s distracting.)

HOMETOWN 2: Jef (W/ one F)

7:37 – Skinny jeans AND two “I miss you’s”? We’re getting drunk tonight.

7:39 – Suck it Nuget, the hottest thing at the NRA convention in 2012? SKINNY JEANS. 

7:40 – Suspiciously dubbed in ‘doing charity work’ there ABC. We all know that Hilton Head all-inclusives are a fucking bitch to cancel last minute. Call them when we get down to the final two. Until then… let’s hit the beach cruisers. 

7:53 – Jef doesn’t want kids. Looks like everyone in the family is making that painfully clear. Good thing the family doesn’t have any motives to deter another 2 people from joining the family. 


8:03 – Last season it was a huge, traumatic deal when Emily went to the racetrack. This season? WHEEEEEE! 

8:13 – You’re going to speak Dutch, then I’m giving everyone a dutch oven. When you’re in ‘Merica you speak ‘Merican damnit. (Side: Wikipedia has a full length entry on pulling the covers over your bedmates face and farting. Bless them.)

8:17 – Arie is ready to marry. Emily’s most important factor on accepting his proposal? How much smear-proof makeup costs. Because Arie Stevie Wonder kisses.


8:23 – That pasture is where the Dallas Cowboy’s famous coke house once stood. When razed, each dandelion now represents a tear from Leon Lett. 

8:31 – Sean lives with mommy and daddy?

ED Note: I had taken pics of all the stuffed animals and was going to insert them here. Further, I was about ready to call this bedroom reveal one of the top 5 moments in this show’s history. Turns out Sean was playing a practical joke. We got trolled. 

8:36 – The most interesting thing about this hometown date is the awesome high backed swing Sean and his mom use. 

8:37 – We never did see where Sean lives. Just saying…

8:38 – Fucking guy is going to get an Adidas contract if he keeps this chasing shit up.

8:42 – Harrison finally shows up and seems to be accentuating the negative in every hometown date. I wonder why he would do that

8:51 – ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz. Emily might be the franchise killer. UNLESS… next Bachelor? TOM CRUISE!

8:59 – Chris is an agressive dumpee. 

Going Home: Chris

Next Week: Over. Night. Dates. You want more kids, boys? Prove it.


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