It’s Week 9.
Last week The Maynard excised her biggest demon. Realizing Chris’ impassioned plea two weeks ago was what duped her into exiling HollyWolf, she ridded herself of his mortal body from her space, therefore the painful reminder of what she could have had, but chose to give away, wasn’t staring her in the face. TOO BAD EMILY- you’re always going to be the one that let the Wolf get away.
This week? Overnight dates. The one night a year where a woman can bang 3 men in 3 nights and not get judged. Much.
Forensic experts have determined that you still want to go in first, not third. While being the meat in the middle can only lead to disappointment… not as thrilling as the first, not as final as the last.
It’s science. Let’s date…
7:09 – In an average hour of network TV, there are 44 minutes of actual show. So these two hours are technically 88 minutes. 1/8 of the way through this show, we’re still recapping what we’ve already seen. We know the deal ABC. GET TO THE HUMPIN’.
7:17 – Deep V, Sean. Deep V.
7:20 – Does it make you an alcoholic to wonder how bad it would suck to be on private island and not have some booze? These two are just going to sit here and talk the whole time? Gaaaah.
7:29 – Did you know that Ricki was actually named after the Steely Dan song? Did you know that Donald Fagen wrote Sean’s love note to a six year old girl he’s never met?
7:31 – “Chance to talk to you ALL NIGHT”. These kids and their euphemisms.
7:34 – Wait, what? No sexy time for Sean? He had so much to ‘say’ to her ‘ears’. He wanted to put his ‘words’ right in her ‘head’. What if he just sleeps on the couch. Promise, no funny business.
7:44 – Jef is not steering that ship. No chance.
7:51 – Where you you want to live? Easy with this real life shit Jef, if we want that, we’ll watch Real Housewives. Clown question, bro.
7:56 – WHAT. THE. FACK? Jef is passing up sexy time because his parents will be watching? The same parents charitably re-building Hilton Head after the recession drove in hords of middle class scum? It’s on you now Arie. Break up this no-no.
8:16 – Get up at 9? Tough life, my man. You know he shaved like an hour off that to be impressive too. I bet it’s like 11.
8:22 – There we have it folks, Emily has given no booty. No hint of booty. No whiff of booty. You know, because on-screen tonsil hockey is much more demure than implied adult relations off-screen. I fully expect Ricki bring this episode to show-and-tell next week. Look! Mom is not coming off that AZZ!!!
8:30 – Here we go with more interviewing. Still 30 minutes to go. Serious question, has there always been this much interview time? I feel like they hired John Holmes to direct this year we’ve got so much fluff. (Note: Don’t Google any of that.)
8:45 – After three video love letters, I’m pretty sure diabetes is cured. You’re welcome world.
8:51 – First finalist? Jef with one f. Second finalist? Arie. Looks like actually getting into Emily’s hotel room was a curse. I’d think real hard about that before proposing, men.
8:55 – How fitting is that in the most dramatic moment in The Maynard’s season that the soundtrack is the constant humming of crickets.
Going Home: Sean
Next Week: Bachlorette ‘Men Tell All’. Otherwise known as America falling back in love with HollyWolf.