Did the Cardinals win today?
They won today, didn’t they? I mean, I watched most of the game, saw the final score and I know it all happened, but it doesn’t FEEL like it was a victory.
There isn’t that adrenaline running through my innards making me want to fist bump homeless people and happy dance in an alley whilst squealing with sheer and utter delight.
No, you guys.
I do not feel like that AT ALL.
I feel exhausted and relieved and maybe a little edgy all capped off with an overwhelming sense of foreboding.
Even in that fifth inning rally in which the Cards took the lead, my guts were still tangled and I wanted to crawl out of my own skin and staple my eyeballs shut.
IT WASN’T ENOUGH.
I then sat through the eighth inning and it was like OKAY IT’S FINE ROSENTHAL’S GOT THIS OH NO GOD DAMMIT TREVOR YOU GIANT DONKEY FART WHHHHYYYYYYY????
So obviously, things are going great for me mentally.
But I don’t really blame myself, because nothing feels right in Cardinal Universe right now. (And I also have an incredible lack of self awareness. WEEEE!!!)
No game they are winning seems like a given, no one with the lone exception of Matt Carpenter (OH MY GOD MARRY ME WE WILL HAVE ALL OF THE BABIES) seems to be dialed in offensively and weird stuff just keeps happening. Balls keep finding holes. Calls keep going the wrong way. Otherwise reliable pitchers are making mistakes.
NONE OF THESE GIANT MAN MEATBALLS REMEMBER HOW TO HIT A FREAKIN’ HOME RUN.
I have just completely lost faith in the abilities of what is widely considered to be a very a good baseball team. And it’s ridiculous! Times like these make me understand why Cubs fans probably want to sever my carotid with a rusty box cutter. I’m an entitled asshole that has come to have completely unrealistic expectations.
The Cardinals aren’t going to win all of things all of the time in every year forever infinity.
This team still has quite a strong record! They still have a very good chance of making the playoffs! They just won two out of three games against the NL Central leader! CHILL OUT, TRUMBSY ALL IS NOT LOST AND NO ONE IS DEAD YOU COMPLETELY DELUSIONAL LUNATIC!!!
The reality, (which has CLEARLY been difficult for me to accept,) is that the Pirates are a legitimately good baseball team.
Having to gut out two extra innings games at home in the span of three days is never a good feeling, but with the way things have been going since the all-star break, I should be RELISHING those wins.
Just snuggling them close to my chest and petting them and making them breakfast in bed and promising to take them to farmer’s markets and shit. They WERE wins, after all, even if it might have been a total fluke.
Basically, this is just a long winded way of saying that I shouldn’t be such a negative Nancy. With all of the energy that I’ve put into being upset about Cardinals baseball, I could have become an astronaut or learned to play the cello or started a blog about guinea pigs wearing top hats.
However, let’s get serious for one hot second, because now the Cards are coming to Chicago and I’m going to the game on Sunday and OH SWEET JESUS I CAN’T BREATHE OR FEEL MY FACE AND IT’S ALL STARTING AGAIN PLEASE SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE I WANT NOTHING BUT THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH OR ALTERNATIVELY THREE CONSECUTIVE 19-0 THRASINGS OF THE DUBS.
See, you guys? This is why I can’t have nice things.