WHOOOBOY, that was a heck of a ballgame yesterday, wasn't it? Man, I was so stressed out! It was no fun at all sweating out that ninth inning, as I was just SURE things were about to go horribly awry and that I would need to hire in-home care for my (OUR!) inevitable debilitating depression.
However, the Cardinals' three headed rookie dragon managed to fire breathe its way to victory and we can now FINALLY GET THE HELL OUT OF THE DARK SCARY DEATH CHAMBER THAT IS PNC PARK AND GO HOME WHERE IT'S HAPPY AND SUNNY AND SAFE AND PLEASE DON'T EVER MAKE ME COME BACK HERE I HAVE NIGHT TREMORS AND THESE FANS ARE SO SCARILY HUNGRY I NEARLY FED THEM SIX NEWBORN BABIES AND A TINY PENGUIN.
But seriously. I was so terrified.
(Also, not to belabor the dragon metaphor, but Wacmarthol was throwing LASERS out there today.)
All said, I only cried, like, three times and I didn't follow through with my plan to put a hit out on Pedro Alvarez, so I'm pretty damn proud of myself at the moment.
Also, despite the fact that Cardinals fans are pretty much the only living organisms on the entire planet cheering for St. Louis right now, my entirely non-Cardinal fan co-workers lent me their wholehearted support today. I have good intel that this is only because they find me REALLY unpleasant to work with and didn't want to make it worse, but it was appreciated nonetheless. (One of my doormen, Dwayne, also swears he is cheering for us, but I think that's only because he's lobbying for an extra Christmas bonus. Please remind me to send him a ham.)
In any case, you get a happy flight back home and now you just have to go out there on Wednesday and LOCK THIS THING DOWN. You've gotta just ignore the HATERZ and do what you do best, which is making grown men look like complete dodos holding a baseball bat. The Cardinals might not be the Cinderella, but that dumb bitch ran off without her shoe and SINGS TO RODENTS. What makes her qualified to win playoff games, anyway???
I know you can do it, babe. If I were to trust anyone with the fate of this season, it would be the man that GUARDS AND PROTECTS MY HEART. (Super cool inside Bachelor reference, YOU'RE WELCOME, HOOKSIE!)
See, the thing is, I know that you're expecting me to threaten you with bodily harm or bribe you with barbecued ribs like I have done so romantically in the past. However, I have reached a certain level of ZEN.
HAHAHA…let's be serious, I'm a complete lunatic and you know better please just win on Wednesday BTW I forgot my wallet and taser at my parents' house if you could pick those up and bring them to my office before my dentist appointment tomorrow that would be great.
Love you so much!
PS: Do you know if Matt Carpenter suddenly developed dementia? He doesn't seem to know what he's doing or where he is lately and I'm so worried! Please give him a hug and send him to a specialist. Or you can borrow my taser, it's totally up to you.