The Heat Is On

Whoa, you guys. This is all starting to get VERY intense.

I mean, the good guys are still stubbornly holding on to a one game lead in the division, but HOLY CRAP the Reds and Pirates are not even being HAHA AREN'T THEY CUTE annoying. They are being flat out RED HOT PISSED OFF annoying.

I should really just be tickled pink that our jolly little birds are playing so gosh darn well these days!

Pitchers!!! (Hi, Lance Lynn!) And long lost hitters! (Hi, Freese!  Hi, Kozma! HOLY CRAP, MR. HOLLIDAY!!!)  

And if I felt like being a charitable fan, I would throw a party and serve cake and fancy white wine spritzers or maybe some sort of elaborate three course foie grais and caviar EXTRAORDINAIRE. (As soon as someone tells me exactly what those things are, I am on my way to Jewel Osco!)

However, I am honestly not that mature or forgiving. While, things seem to be going our way these last few days, I'VE SEEN THE UNDERBELLY.

(I mean, I went to the White Sox game last night and OH DEAR GOD, they are not particularly good at doing baseball things. RIP Paul Konerko!)

Then it gets grosser, because I've been cheering for the Cubs REALLY HARD and it makes me question EVERYTHING. Do I need to clean out my closets or buy a new razor? Do I need a new job? Do I need to find God? Do I need A GODDAMN LOBOTOMY BECAUSE THIS IS NOT NORMAL PLEASE HELP ME I AM VERY SICK AND PROBABLY HAVE DEMENTIA!!!!???

Then, I keep reading articles (against the advice of my physician) about how the NLC is the Cardinal's division to lose and I find that supremely terrifying. YOU CALM DOWN YOU BIG BLOVIATING PSYCHOPATHS THIS IS NO WHERE NEAR OVER.

My internal defense mechanisms are in complete overdrive and preparing for the worst.

The Cardinals are going to take a big giant fart nap and lose eleven straight. Wacha is going to bow to the pressure. Shelby is going to play Call of Duty for 49 straight hours and forget his start. Yadi is going to get arrested for punching a guy that overcooked his 36 ounce steak and gave him BROCCOLI  instead of garlic mashed potatoes. Carpenter is going to realize his true love (and gift!) for interpretive dance. And the love of my life, Adam Wainwright, is going to leave me for a floozy.

(I'm proactively heartbroken, but that's a whole other issue entirely.)

To make matters even worse, I was reading about Atlanta and how super duper good they are at home.  This made me start worrying about home field advantage in the playoffs and IT DAMN NEAR GAVE ME AN EMBOLIC SEIZURE AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS!!!


Let's take a deep breath. There's still some baseball to play. We all still have some time to think about things. And if we have to cheer for the Cubs in the meantime, please just remember that everyone makes mistakes. 


About athooks

For more, follow on Twitter. Just click the link below.