Rude

A Contender For ‘Song Of Summer’ Is A Hot Mess

Candidly, I’m not sure how it happens.

But every single year, since forever, a song rises up and dominates the summer. It might not win an award, but it will become ubiquitous at every BBQ, pool outing, deck party and road trip you have the next three months.

It’s going to creep into the Matrix and infect the system. You’ll hate the song by Labor Day, but you’ll always associate it with ‘Summer’.

We’ve got our first contender for 2014: “Rude” by Magic

If you haven’t heard this song, you will. My guess is a whole bunch. It’s bubble-gum pop… but with an actual mini-guitar solo. It’s reggae… but not really. It’s super fun to sing along to in the car… but holy shit, the lyrics are killing me.

“Saturday morning jumped out of bed and put on my best suit.”

A bit odd, but OK. Sometimes you’ve got to take care of business on Saturday mornings. We’re not all working the M-F 9 to 5′s.

“Got in my car and raced like a jet all the way to you.”

Important note here… this nameless protagonist has a suit. And a car. Remember that. Because it’s about to become important. Also, he’s not talking to his wife, husband, child or significant other. He’s talking to his girlfriend’s dad.

“Knocked on your door with heart in my hand to ask you a question ’cause I know that you’re an old-fashioned man, yeah.”

Dude is going to ask for his girlfriend’s father’s blessing to wed his child. For all of you guys out there that have gone through this process, did you wear a suit? Our hero might be going a little too HAM, but still, everything to this point seems above board.

“Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yes ’cause I need to know.”

EASY junior. I’m pretty sure dad knows why you’re here. (And wondering why you’re in a suit). But still, he’s dressed well, with a car, good manners. Here comes the yes.

“You say I’ll never get your blessing ’til the day I die. Tough luck, my friend, but the answer is ‘no’.”

Da faq? Not, ‘hey, let’s really think about this’. Or ‘I’m just not sure it’s the right time’. Dad went N-O. Check that, he went full on nuclear and says ‘over my dead body’.

I know this is pop song. I know I’m probably the only person wondering this. But can this really happen? Either the father is the biggest dick in the world or this guy is so naive about how he’s acted in his potential father-in-law’s presence (or how he’s treated this man’s daughter) that he can still get in a suit and ask for her hand in marriage but still be blindsided by a ‘no’.

“Why you gotta be so rude? Don’t you know I’m human too? Why you gotta be so rude? I’m gonna marry her anyway.”

Two questions. One very stupid.

Frankly, I’d like to know why dad is so effing rude (spoiler: we don’t find out). Very fair and logical question. But then he follows it up with a – candidly – bizarre query. He just said you’re marrying my daughter over ‘my dead body’, and the best you can do is remind him that you’re human?

I can’t think of a worse argument. In defending your worth, you pick the one quality LITERALLY everyone else on earth has? Weak sauce, pal. If you weren’t human, though, this song would be way different. And totally fucking weird.

“Marry that girl. Marry her anyway. Marry that girl. Yeah, no matter what you say. Marry that girl. And we’ll be a family. Why you gotta be so rude?”

This guy is really intent on getting married. He’s probably too intense, if we’re being really honest with each other.

I also want to know why, if this was such a burning passion of his, he didn’t do this days, weeks or months ago? If he has such a long history with the dad (and I assume he does, if the dad is saying ‘over my dead body’), then he’s been dating this chick for a while. The urgency is at least a little creepy, right?

“Hate to do this, you leave no choice. Can’t live without her. Love me or hate me we will be both. Standing at that altar. Or we will run away. To another galaxy, you know. You know she’s in love with me. She will go anywhere I go.”

He’s a church going lad too?! Sans this annoying ultra-controlling dominance slash human enslavement fetish issues he’s working his way through, this dude seems like a nice catch.

“Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yes ’cause I need to know. You say I’ll never get your blessing ’til the day I die. Tough luck, my friend, ’cause the answer’s still ‘No’”

So the “I’m a human” argument didn’t persuade dad the first time? Shocked.

“Why you gotta be so rude? Don’t you know I’m human too? Why you gotta be so rude? I’m gonna marry her anyway.”

Still, he persists. Going right back to that well, huh?

After this, the bridge and chorus repeat themselves one more time. He’s going to marry the girl. Doesn’t care about the father’s blessing et al.

I can’t explain why these lyrics seemed to, pardon the pun, strike a chord with me, but they do. I can’t understand why the dad is an epic ass or why the dude is such a total weenie that has somehow ended up such rotten luck.

I NEED TO KNOW.

Side note: ‘DON’T YOU KNOW I’M HUMAN TOOOOOOOOOOO’?

Welcome to summer, kids.

Photo: Our Name Is Magic

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