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Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 1

Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. 

As the cold, cruel winds and snows of winter were torturing your body and soul, almost perversely, we've had very little cause célèbre throughout America. 

That ends now.

Juan Pablo Galavis, the Ithaca, New York born heartthrob will break this cold snap with the help of 25 plus smoking hot lovers. Oh, you thought he was from Venezuela? Looks like you're going to be in for a season of surprises, kind sir or ma'am. He's a damn, dirty AMERICAN. 

We know Mr. Juan Pablo has a daughter. We know he lives in Miami. We know that he (sometimes) promotes a band called Chino y Nacho (39 million views?!). We know that he played some professional soccer. And that's important. 

Watch this. Please.

That was 2 grown soccer players beating 55 kids to score a goal.  No matter how good The Bachelor is this season, no matter how many women cry in public restroom handicapped stalls, I don't know if it wouldn't be just a scooch better if the Japanese producers starting planning the date challenges. 

Let's date… 

7:01 –  Did I see your mom in that Juan Pablo make out montage? I know I saw your sister, but I think your mom was in there too. 

7:05 – So the daughter is just, I guess, on the show? I'm sure this will all seem very normal by the time she's in high school. Like a video diary of how her new mommy was screaming her guts out in a rage fury in a handicapped bathroom stall 2 weeks before daddy proposed.

7:14 – Tomato juice isn't the best solution for skunk discharge. Sean ruins EVERYTHING.

7:25 – Never had a professional massage? Is this how they all are? AMY JAAAAY!

7:26 – Lauren. Got the old phone call to break off the engagement dumping. Chivalry is NOT dead, my friends. That dude could have sent a text. But he went the extra step. Probably had to talk about it for like 20 minutes. 

7:38 – Existential question. Don't think about what you would say leaving the limo. Think about what you would would want said.  What would that be?

7:40 – I brought your daughter… the ribbon off my Oil of Olay gift set. JK LOL. It's a charm bracelet I made for your daughter I've never met in the hope that it buys me a bit more of time on a reality dating competition. She'll LOVE it. 

7:44 – Did they have to make her push the piano up the hill? Pretty dirty, producers. Pretty low. 

7:48 – Stop it. PREGNANT CONTESTANT ALERT! Twins? Are these contestants 26 and 27? Harrison, you CAD.

7:53 – Pregnancy scares. Gets the guys every time. Go ahead and tell your man you're having his baby right now. It's going to win you like 1,000,000 gold stars. He'll LOVE it. 

7:59 – Do some opera. Come on. Do some opera. 

8:05 – Oh. Oh no. Juan Pablo pulled a Alec Ogletree

8:10 – AMY JAAAAY! With her, it's not a massage table, it's a pathway to SEDUCTION. We were wondering what Massage's Envy was all these years? Question answered. 

8:23 – Maybe it's a good thing that Lauren H's finance broke it off over the phone after all. Always remember… two sides to every story. And the more she talks, the more I kind of want to hear what he says. Get on it Reality Steve. 

8:34 – Sharleen gets the 1st first impression rose. She sings opera. Lives in Germany. Doesn't eat meat. Calls Juan Pablo "sir" (I think I heard 'sir' twice)… and doesn't seem all that interested in being on this show. Is she the first anti-hero hero on The Bachelor? 

CUT –  AMY JAAAAY!, Kylie, Christine, Ashley, Lauren H.

THIS SEASON – We covered the 'This Season On' last night. Check out the 'Countdown to Juan Pablo' post to see what you'll be seeing this spring. 


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Bachelor Kissing

Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 1

Over the past several weeks, as the cold, cruel winds of winter were licking your face with rancour and malice, a group of brave warrior women beset upon a magical journey the world over to find love.  


After weeks of careful curation, ABC presents to us mouth breathing masses the only true elixir to our frigid, fragile state… Sean Lowe trying to bang 25 women.

The Bachelor is back.



Promiscuous dating.


7:01 – Anyone else feign excitement at work when asked about the National Championship game only to secretly wish you were included when all the girls were talking about The Bachelor? Nah. Me neither.

7:04 – So who sticks around longer this season: Sean's shirt or…

7:04:10 – And we have a winner. 

7:26 – We meet Tierra. Who appears to be on Quaaludes until a producer reveals that The Bachelor is Sean. And then we have her Silver Linings Playbook, replete with some poor, poor dog getting talked to about how his/her new 'daddy' will be coming home soon. (Where you at PETA?)

7:27 – Diana. Seems really nice. Small business owner? That's cool. Busy at home? Aren't we all, AMIRITE? Wait, what? 2 kids? TWO KIDS!  Have we ever seen the contestant with TWO kids? I mean, the single parent is a staple for some insta-drama, but now we're dropping the deuce on Sean? If Diana wins, it's the biggest upset of all time. 

7:29 – Sarah. Sarah is an amputee. What am I supposed to do with this? Honestly? At best, the producers are baiting me into a bad pun. At worst, sending me to hell. 

7:30 – Ashley P. Quite the little horndog we've got on our hands here. Spanking. 50 Shades of Grey. Lip biting. 

7:33 – Lesley. "There are alot of nerds and alot of politicians in Washington and I'm not into either one." Has anyone ever summed up DC better? Politico needs to think about a new hire.

7:34 – Kristy. "Girls will be jealous of me, no doubt."  I'm calling BS on this one. Michelle Money she is not. You can't come in as the bad girl without proving your shit.  I don't see it. #FauxHard

7:45 – I guess 'hunk' is making a comeback? Are girls really using this adjective freely in 2013? I think I heard a Holy Toledo in there too. 

7:46 – Paige. She's a JumboTron operator. Huh. Bet she is.

7:50 – Tierra gets the first impression rose after revealing that the heart tattoo on her ring finger needs "someone to close it". Next thing you know he'll be meeting the parents and holding dads remote and handkerchief while watching the Eagles game. 

8:01 – Yup. We've got a STL area contestant. Her name is Lindsay. And she came in a full-on wedding dress. Somewhere, The Mask smiles

8:09 – We have a surprise 26th Bachelorette this season, none other than Kacie B. ksja;dfklja;lkdjfa;lkdjJfl;ks jalkjfaksjf;lk jdf;alkdjf. Sorry, I just fell asleep on the keyboard. 

8:23 – Oh. Oh, no St. Louis. Let's break this down..

8:28 – Looks like Ashley P. is even drunker and even hornier! You have to imagine that tomorrow is going to be filled with texts from men she hasn't talked to in a long, long time.

8:38 – I mean, am I overlooking something? Sarah is still good looking right? Did I miss the part where they revealed she had a penis? Because guys are really not dating her because she's a partial amputee? 

8:49 – Lindasy. The girl above. She got a rose. ST. LOUIS FOREVER!

CUT – Horndog, Ashley H, Kelly, Lauren, JumbTron and possibly others that I'm too lazy to fact check. 

THIS SEASON – Pirate ships, helicopters (of course), OLD BOYFRIENDS, being above everyone else, ATTEMPTED MURDER?, tears, more tears, dropped roses, man nipples, big watches, elephant tusk wedding stantions and more…


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Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 1

It’s on. BachelorBen

The Bachelor premieres tonight. And after a successful year of Bachelorette Live Blogs, we’re going to dig up this dead horse and beat it one more time. If you don’t watch the Bachelor, please skip this post altogether. You will find nothing of value. But if you feel that this is the pinnacle of televised entertainment, like we do… then you’re in luck. 

We’ll try to post these on Monday nights and at the latest Tuesday mornings until the finale. 

Your Primer:

Who: Ben (The Winemaker)
Why: Last man dumped on the Bachelorette 2011.
How: In humiliating fashion. A full proposal and then a rejection.

The Winemaker now gets his shot at redemption. 25 women from all over the country have come to fight over his floppy hair. And over the next several weeks we’ll see a man fall in love, propose and then have a messy breakup breathlessly covered by Us Weekly. 

F the Masters, this really is a tradition unlike any other. 

Let’s get after it…

7:00 – Ashley, in what is one of the more deplorable moments in a show predicated on deplorable moments, lets The Winemaker fully prepose before his dumping. I’ve said it before… if you are a human being, you don’t let that dude get down on one knee. That being said… let’s watch it again!

7:03 – He makes wine. And tickles the ivory. And kayaks. And has thousand yard stares off docks. Friends, The Winemaker is ready. Game time.

7:10 – “Babe, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population YOU!” That was the text that Lindzi received notifying her that her previous relationship was over. She also is an avid horse rider, who is “ready to get back in the saddle” and “is tired of horsing around”. Between the horse puns and the phonetic name spelling I think we have to assume that her previous lover was Seabiscuit. 

7:12 – “Beef nuts are cow balls”: Amber T

7:14 – Courtney says she is worth at least “2 Karats”. Friends, we have our heel for the season. She’s a model who’s “not afraid of the competition” and “ready for other girls to be jealous”. She’s straight off the Michelle Money production line. 

7:15 – Jenna. She’s a blogger? It’s called The Overanalyst? Sweet Jesus, Ben. Run. RUN FAST. You don’t want anything to do with the blog-o-sphere. Trust us. 

7:18 – Meet Shawn, a cut throat business analyst by day. A doting mother by night. While you’re at it, meet Nicki a dental professional and recent divorcee. In the parlance of The Bacehelor this season, these will be, shall we say, the sour grapes? 

7:32 – Amber. Holy shit. This girls last name is Bacon. And she just rattled off 5 back to back puns so fast, The Winemaker had to wonder just what they hell hit him. I’m wondering just what the hell hit him. That was terrifyingly awesome. I think.

7:36 – The Blogger, everyone. The Blogger. This is what happens in our minds. Only worse.

7:39 – Miss Pacific Palisades? Ohhhhhhh my. Our first three knuckle cringer of the the night. She even had the sash and everything. 

7:42 – I’ve lived in KY. And I’m sorry for whatever that was in the hat. 

7:44 – Ok, they’ve been teasing the fact that an older lady would be a contestant. I wanted to really believe that they were going to do this. Like for real, real. Put her in the mix, see if she could last maybe a rose ceremony or two. Turns out she was just there to introduce her granddaughter. So bogus, ABC. So very bogus. QUIT BEING AGEIST! 

7:50 – The walk by? Typical Winemaker. He gets big boy’d on his own show. Followed by an arm slug. Tip to women: if you want to seduce a guy, the arm slug never works. Ever. Unless you’re naked. Then it’ll probably work. 

7:53 – She brought her horse.

8:08 – I’ll shoot you straight, The Winemaker is going to have a tough time with this show. He just got the first impression rose on the first episode and he looked like he’d just seen the Ghost of Failed Proposals Past. He seems like a really nice guy. I can understand why women like him. But at the same time, he’s going to get emotionally steamrolled. Expect bad decisions at every turn this year. Tangent over.

8:13 – The slugger now wants to kick the soccer ball around. Oy.

8:15 – The Epidemiologist is also a rapper. I had a friend of mine in college that loved to rap when he got drunk. He’d rap in your face and you’d just kind of nod for a while, but then you’d kind of wish it was all over with after like 4 bars. He’d go for literally, as long as you’d let him. Totally a miserable thing to do another person; rap in their face unprompted. Anyway, the point of the story is we all need to leave the rapping to Project Pat. 

8:19 – Whoa. “You’re in my life forever”? Monica is coming on real strong… to another woman. Monica seems to be the kind of women who says something like that and when she says it, she means it. Now, forever might be until she murders you after 3 weeks, but that’s just semantics. 

8:27 – “Share a tampon sometime”? From now on, I’m a freelance writer. Not a blogger. Never was a blogger. Never will be a blogger. Don’t even know what that word means.

8:35 – Seabiscuit  has an really intense stare. No joke. It’s creeping me out.

8:43 – The Rose Ceremony commences. Surprises? Slugger got a rose. The Winemaker was probably scared of her. Miss Pacific Palisades kept the sash on all night, but still got a rose. Monica, the newly minted Lesbian got a rose…

8:47 – THE BLOGGER GOT A ROSE? The internet is doomed!

8:48 – Bacon was fried. Cow Balls were chopped. London called. And 7 other girls that got not much more than a whiff of airtime were dumped. 

This season?

Drama. Fermented. 


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