Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.
As the cold, cruel winds and snows of winter were torturing your body and soul, almost perversely, we've had very little cause célèbre throughout America.
That ends now.
Juan Pablo Galavis, the Ithaca, New York born heartthrob will break this cold snap with the help of 25 plus smoking hot lovers. Oh, you thought he was from Venezuela? Looks like you're going to be in for a season of surprises, kind sir or ma'am. He's a damn, dirty AMERICAN.
We know Mr. Juan Pablo has a daughter. We know he lives in Miami. We know that he (sometimes) promotes a band called Chino y Nacho (39 million views?!). We know that he played some professional soccer. And that's important.
Watch this. Please.
That was 2 grown soccer players beating 55 kids to score a goal. No matter how good The Bachelor is this season, no matter how many women cry in public restroom handicapped stalls, I don't know if it wouldn't be just a scooch better if the Japanese producers starting planning the date challenges.
7:01 – Did I see your mom in that Juan Pablo make out montage? I know I saw your sister, but I think your mom was in there too.
7:05 – So the daughter is just, I guess, on the show? I'm sure this will all seem very normal by the time she's in high school. Like a video diary of how her new mommy was screaming her guts out in a rage fury in a handicapped bathroom stall 2 weeks before daddy proposed.
7:14 – Tomato juice isn't the best solution for skunk discharge. Sean ruins EVERYTHING.
7:25 – Never had a professional massage? Is this how they all are? AMY JAAAAY!
7:26 – Lauren. Got the old phone call to break off the engagement dumping. Chivalry is NOT dead, my friends. That dude could have sent a text. But he went the extra step. Probably had to talk about it for like 20 minutes.
7:38 – Existential question. Don't think about what you would say leaving the limo. Think about what you would would want said. What would that be?
7:40 – I brought your daughter… the ribbon off my Oil of Olay gift set. JK LOL. It's a charm bracelet I made for your daughter I've never met in the hope that it buys me a bit more of time on a reality dating competition. She'll LOVE it.
7:44 – Did they have to make her push the piano up the hill? Pretty dirty, producers. Pretty low.
7:48 – Stop it. PREGNANT CONTESTANT ALERT! Twins? Are these contestants 26 and 27? Harrison, you CAD.
7:53 – Pregnancy scares. Gets the guys every time. Go ahead and tell your man you're having his baby right now. It's going to win you like 1,000,000 gold stars. He'll LOVE it.
7:59 – Do some opera. Come on. Do some opera.
8:05 – Oh. Oh no. Juan Pablo pulled a Alec Ogletree?
8:10 – AMY JAAAAY! With her, it's not a massage table, it's a pathway to SEDUCTION. We were wondering what Massage's Envy was all these years? Question answered.
8:23 – Maybe it's a good thing that Lauren H's finance broke it off over the phone after all. Always remember… two sides to every story. And the more she talks, the more I kind of want to hear what he says. Get on it Reality Steve.
8:34 – Sharleen gets the 1st first impression rose. She sings opera. Lives in Germany. Doesn't eat meat. Calls Juan Pablo "sir" (I think I heard 'sir' twice)… and doesn't seem all that interested in being on this show. Is she the first anti-hero hero on The Bachelor?
CUT – AMY JAAAAY!, Kylie, Christine, Ashley, Lauren H.
THIS SEASON – We covered the 'This Season On' last night. Check out the 'Countdown to Juan Pablo' post to see what you'll be seeing this spring.