I'm a Bachelor purist.
I get the attraction of trying to find out everything that happens before it happens. It's natural.
And the Twitterfication of our culture has spawned a '1ST' atmosphere where your social currency is partially dependent on how soon you can break a story.
If you're not reporting the news yourself, you're at least trying to tell your friends before they tell you. I'm sure that everything I would want to know about this season of The Bachelor could be found somewhere online if I wanted to find it.
I don't, though. I let love blossom on schedule.
The purity thing, though, leads to some major bombs getting dropped when you least expect it. For instance, perusing Business Insider, it turns out that Snapchat's CEO is dating… Lucy the hippy. Um, what?
Worse, they casually drop in the fact that her BFF is… Kate Upton?
Where is safe harbor, friends? I can't even get some perspective on Google's 3.2B valuation of Nest without Bachelor Spoilers? Being pure is hard these days. But we will try. WE WILL TRY.
7:04 – Clare gets the first date of the season. She's blindfolded on the car ride to a 'winter wonderland'. And she knows the cameras are on and her eyes are hidden. So she turns to mouth acting. Punctuated by several lip bites. Exquisite execution.
7:07 – PERFECT SNAPCHAT! It's so cute seeing unknown foreshadowing. Lucy's probably cooing in Evan Spiegel's mansion right now saying the same thing. Oh, wait…
(Bonus link for the Howard Stern fans reading: here)
7:17 – Bad kiss. The multiple pecks before a pull away. Poor Clare. Thought she had a shot. I've seen more passion out of the buffet wipers at Golden Corral. Rose regret.
7:18 – Hugo! Welcome back to ABC my friend, had no idea you could sing. Now about that Lost ending…
7:27 – Awwww Yisssss. Poppin' Molly. Where you at Cyrus. MDNmuthafukinA. —– record screech —– Salt Lake City? Neon Color Run? False alarm. Cancel that Gatorade and binky order.
7:33 – Every single person in Utah is at this taping.
7:40 – They keep listing Cassandra's occupation as 'Former NBA Dancer' and her age at 21. Just how old are NBA dancers? Is St. Louis sans NBA action because we are holding the high ground on ogling of our youth? Can Mayor Slay campaign on this?
7:53 – "If just one of these dogs is adopted… its worth it" —— if you get NEKED! Thank you Bachelor. I think you just gave all of America's men hope that they to can go back out there and find the woman of their dreams. And you know, save some dogs.
8:02 – Cassandra also has a SON? Every year this woman has lived is like 5 years in regular people time.
8:05 – You ready for the best advice of all time? Seriously, you ready? Sit down and let Victoria take it away…
8:10 – Victoria is a party.
8:15 – Victoria is making a run at the crown for 'Drunkest Contestant Ever. Let's let you decide who was worse. What you just saw with Victoria or Tim from Bachelorette: Ashley. (Refresher here)
I think I got to give the slight nod to Victoria. Mainly because she called it the 'Hymen Maneuver'. You underrated that, didn't you?
8:28 – Victoria has the distinct waft of a girl that doesn't quite realize what is going to be beamed out to America tonight. "Maybe I could have been a little more adult about it"? On the bright side, she doesn't seem to be all that hungover.
And a classy dumping, Juan Pablo. Guy is winning us all over.
8:37 – Amy.
8:42 – Now Cassandra is breaking down? This cast is a human Jenga game. At this pace, Kat is going to get an engagement ring about 1/2 through week 4. This isn't 'The Therapist'. (Rim Shot)
CUT – Victoria, Amy, Chantel
NEXT WEEK – "Consummation Station", bungee jumping, regular jumping, kissing 21 year olds, soccer stadiums, woman or little girl, kissing other girls, being inconsiderate.