Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 2

I'm a Bachelor purist.  

I get the attraction of trying to find out everything that happens before it happens. It's natural.

And the Twitterfication of our culture has spawned a '1ST' atmosphere where your social currency is partially dependent on how soon you can break a story.

If you're not reporting the news yourself, you're at least trying to tell your friends before they tell you. I'm sure that everything I would want to know about this season of The Bachelor could be found somewhere online if I wanted to find it. 

I don't, though. I let love blossom on schedule. 

The purity thing, though, leads to some major bombs getting dropped when you least expect it. For instance, perusing Business Insider, it turns out that Snapchat's CEO is dating… Lucy the hippy. Um, what?

Worse, they casually drop in the fact that her BFF is… Kate Upton?


Where is safe harbor, friends? I can't even get some perspective on Google's 3.2B valuation of Nest without Bachelor Spoilers? Being pure is hard these days. But we will try. WE WILL TRY.

Let's Date… 

7:04 – Clare gets the first date of the season. She's blindfolded on the car ride to a 'winter wonderland'. And she knows the cameras are on and her eyes are hidden. So she turns to mouth acting. Punctuated by several lip bites. Exquisite execution. 

7:07 – PERFECT SNAPCHAT! It's so cute seeing unknown foreshadowing. Lucy's probably cooing in Evan Spiegel's mansion right now saying the same thing. Oh, wait… 

(Bonus link for the Howard Stern fans reading: here)

7:17 – Bad kiss. The multiple pecks before a pull away. Poor Clare. Thought she had a shot. I've seen more passion out of the buffet wipers at Golden Corral. Rose regret. 

7:18Hugo! Welcome back to ABC my friend, had no idea you could sing. Now about that Lost ending…

7:27 – Awwww Yisssss. Poppin' Molly. Where you at Cyrus. MDNmuthafukinA. —– record screech —– Salt Lake City? Neon Color Run? False alarm. Cancel that Gatorade and binky order.

7:33 – Every single person in Utah is at this taping. 

7:40 – They keep listing Cassandra's occupation as 'Former NBA Dancer' and her age at 21. Just how old are NBA dancers? Is St. Louis sans NBA action because we are holding the high ground on ogling of our youth? Can Mayor Slay campaign on this?

7:53 – "If just one of these dogs is adopted… its worth it" —— if you get NEKED! Thank you Bachelor. I think you just gave all of America's men hope that they to can go back out there and find the woman of their dreams. And you know, save some dogs. 

8:02 – Cassandra also has a SON? Every year this woman has lived is like 5 years in regular people time. 

8:05 – You ready for the best advice of all time? Seriously, you ready? Sit down and let Victoria take it away…

8:10 – Victoria is a party. 

8:15 – Victoria is making a run at the crown for 'Drunkest Contestant Ever. Let's let you decide who was worse. What you just saw with Victoria or Tim from Bachelorette: Ashley. (Refresher here)

Who Was More Drunk free polls 

I think I got to give the slight nod to Victoria. Mainly because she called it the 'Hymen Maneuver'. You underrated that, didn't you?

8:28 – Victoria has the distinct waft of a girl that doesn't quite realize what is going to be beamed out to America tonight. "Maybe I could have been a little more adult about it"? On the bright side, she doesn't seem to be all that hungover.

And a classy dumping, Juan Pablo. Guy is winning us all over.


8:42 – Now Cassandra is breaking down? This cast is a human Jenga game. At this pace, Kat is going to get an engagement ring about 1/2 through week 4. This isn't 'The Therapist'. (Rim Shot)

CUT – Victoria, Amy, Chantel

NEXT WEEK – "Consummation Station", bungee jumping, regular jumping, kissing 21 year olds, soccer stadiums, woman or little girl, kissing other girls, being inconsiderate. 


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Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 2

Last week the 25 hand-picked women were unfurled at Sean's behest. 

And after 25 skits, songs and some general drunken tomfoolery, the harem was whittled down to a manageable 19 women.

What we don't have is Ashley P, who, I assume, is spending every single waking moment watching a clock countdown to the premiere of Bachelor Pad, where she'll realize her ultimate duel destiny as the best reality contestant of all time and the instigation for middle America to ban 50 Shades of Grey.


7:04 – Quote without comment: "Having one arm doesn't prevent me from having fun."

7:05 – Our first chopper sighting (RIP Landon) of the season. Some people want to be president, others want to be a fireman. Me? I just want 1/2 of the ABC helicopter budget for the Bachelor.

7:06 – Another Quote without comment: "My ability to love someone is not effected by how many hands I have."

7:14 – Your hands are trembling Sean? Nice, ya jerk. Now is NOT the time.

7:21 – Sean does consider himself a man. Glad we got that hammered out.

7:36 – Kristy. A Ford model? Or a model you can have in the back of a Ford. HIYOO.

7:47 – ARRRIIIIEEE… Get back here. Sean forgot all the kissing lessons you taught him last week. He was doing the thing where he doesn't tilt his head again.

7:58 – It's so Yoga to not want to compete. What in the hell did she think this was? Take your mat and your participation ribbon and head downward dog. Or home. Whatever.

8:12 – So Sean's 'thing' is pulling pranks on his ladies (remember the stuffed animals at mom's house?) and he seemingly gets one over on Desiree. Or does he? Seems to me that she was a little too calm in the face of ruining a million dollar art piece. Like I always say: never trust a Desiree, unless it's for rapid counting of dollar bills. 

Bonus Link: Here's how you should respond to a prank: LINK HERE

8:31 – I'm no Aditi Jaggi Rastogi or anything, but I'm thinking that the wedding dress was much worse than the black/white Seinfeld cookie special. Always look to the cookie… unless it's for fashion.

8:41 – Well, you had my curiosity. Now you have my attention.
If Sean would have busted that out, he could have dropped the mic on this season. We thought the one armed thing was going to be hard to make jokes about. Now we're getting into Sean's racial profile of potential wives?

CUT – Brooke, Diana (who would have been great for a 2 kid reveal), Katie (quit)

NEXT WEEK – Stuffed animals, acoustic guitars, vertical face kissing, stair sabotage. 


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Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 2

It’s Week 2 of The Bachelor: Winemaker. BachelorBen

Last week the fastidiously floppy haired fermenter hosted 25 women at a cocktail party and shed 7 of them to get the gaggle down to 18. This week’s Live Blog is coming to you from an undisclosed Sacramento CA hotel room. That tidbit has no bearing whatsoever with this post, but whatever.

Let’s Date…

7:01 – The Winemaker is having a home game. He takes the ladies to Sonoma CA (AKA Wine Country) for a week of… hmm… romantic vineyard walk and talks? Grape feelings? I thought the only people that went to Sonoma were married or gay? Or both. People kept telling me that this was going to be a boring season, that The Winemaker wasn’t ready to step up the drama. I think he’s game. He’s ready to mix it up. Prove me right, big boy. Prove me RIGHT!

7:02–  Is this real life? Didn’t see who dropped that, but Internet memes? Big plus. Big. 

7:06 – “City Hall, right there.” Oh, Christ. 

– The date with Kacie B. continues. And it’s going, well, its… painfully, fucking, normal. I’m not here to watch a damn infomercial. This is the girl from Clarksville TN, though. Ever been there? If you have then you’re well aware that she’s willing to do just about anything to get out of that raging dumpster fire of a city. 

7:18 – Hey ladies… Dong shot! He was 2, but still, dong shot!

7:28 – If the kids want “sexy” you give them sexy. You don’t give them The Sprinkler, dammit. Kids these days are much more advanced than we were in Jr. High. They probably had more sex than you did last week. So find a pole, use it and get into the audition. The Sprinkler? I’m offended. 

– A “gingerbread hooker”. Well played, kids. Well played.

– I’m calling bullshit on the kids writing a coherent play in which all the constructs of The Bachelor are effortlessly woven into the fabric of a hastily organized community theater play. And if i’m wrong, then get to living, because we’re doomed as a society in about 20 years when these kids are running things. 

– 34 is now a cougar? We’re really walking that line back, eh? 

– “How’d that taste coming out of your mouth?” TIMES 2! Ladies, you’ve learned a valuable lesson tonight, when you’re a model, you’re better than everyone else. And when you’re better than everyone else, you get everything you want. That’s it. That’s the lesson. 

– Serious question for the ladies out there: does The Winemaker look like a good kisser? I feel like he’s doing it wrong, but I want to verify this.

– The Model busts out the old standby for the really hot girls… “no guys ask me out”. For a while, I believed this. So I asked out every smoke show I saw for like 3 weeks. Turns out no guy does not include this guy.

– Oh Winemaker. He’s practically finishing The Model’s sentences to get the answers he wants. I dated an actor and it was… JUST SO EMPTY, RIGHT? I’m looking… TO SETTLE DOWN. HUH?? It’s like this women bought the entry level hot girl handbook and is reading it from cue cards behind The Winemaker’s head. But it still fucking works. It still… fucking… works.

8:24 – I’ll admit, I usually don’t see the commercials, but is this K-Y Intense thing for real? It says it’s “scientifically proven to make a women’s big moment, even bigger”. Orgasm drops. Sold by the tube. Tested by science. Tell me again how this isn’t the best selling product of all time.

– Ashley is totally getting pwnd by The Cougar. Don’t bitch to the girls, young won. Got to go mix it up. Oh, and the ‘Stage 5 Clinger’ zing? So 2006. 

– The Blogger! took 88 minutes, but she’s finally here to… throw her jacket on a burning candle. And admit she has a penis? Is she talking about a penis? Penis’ don’t make you act like this. They don’t. 

– Ashley says The Cougar would be something “fun to motorboat”. This is fun. How much material is she going to lift from ‘Wedding Crashers’? Maybe Owen Wilson is her brother? I hope she sticks around to see just how deep her fandom goes.

8:51–  It’s time for the axe man…

Who’s Bounced? — The BLOGGER! (Side: either the producers did the worst hatchet job ever on a cast member or this woman is delusional. One or the other, but to be so upset after getting dumped speaks strongly to the former.) Some other girl.


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