Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 3

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day, everybody! 

To celebrate this great holiday, producers of The Bachelor have put together a very special edition of the show, showcasing their commitment to diversity in this great nation of ours.

Wait, what? 

They haven't? I am shocked… SHOCKED! 

Listen, this wasn't Juan Pablo's decision, after all. He's an erudite man. Cultured. There is no way that he would be party to such tacid discrimination. 

Wait, what?

He had to apologize this week for saying that having a gay Bachelor wouldn't be a "good example"?

Yikes. 

Let's Date (before this gets any more uncomfortable)… 

7:06 – There's no other way to put it. I want that car boat, and I want it now. Probably even more than the HotTug we saw a few seasons back. It's close, but car boat wins. 

7:10 – Cassandra has a child with Detroit Piston Rodney Stuckey. If she doesn't win, what are the chances that she ends up on Basketball Wives? 100%? 105%? 

7:19 – By the way, when she says "the last time I felt this way about a man was 3 years ago", Cassandra was 18 years old. Or a senior in high school. In case you didn't feel silly enough for watching this show. 

7:31 – Sharleen – what a warrior. We thought Lone Survivor was intense, didn't we? WRONG. Get Mark Whalberg on the phone ASAP. 

7:41 – Did they all change in the locker room? 

7:42 – Vine without comment. 

7:49 - So the lady who doesn't make out with Juan Pablo in a stadium concession stand or at midfield where everyone is watching gets the rose? Hmmm. Funny how all that works. 

8:03 – Since you just spent 10 full minutes on the build up to a bungee jump, you can spend :90 more seconds watching this bungee prank. Friends.

8:13 – Billy Currington. Not better than Hugo. Bring back Hugo. He tore it up in that winter wonderland performance. 

8:29 – Juan Pablo, sir, I salute you. So often that pool is neglected. But you? You pooh-pooed a cocktail party to use that pool. Well played. Then again, Juan Pablo doesn't drink

8:42 – Renee won't win this season of The Bachelor. But she does deserve some sort of an award for being Juan Pablo's therapist on the inside. At this point, she might not even be a contestant, but a paid consigliere. 

CUT – Christy, Lucy

NEXT WEEK – South Korea, finding the real deal, Juan Pablo hogging, bad mothering, hiding for only so only, mixed feelings. 

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Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 3

Last week, we were promised a TORNADO OF NEGATIVITY, only to be caught up some some gusty curtness and breezes of boorishness. 

But tonight?
 
Tonight holds more promise, since we haven't seen a falling down a flight of stairs teased on-air this much since The Money Pit hit theaters. 

Oh, and what else? RUDE. TIMES 2.

7:04 – Air check for my main main Robert Wadlow from Alton IL. Dude was a legit 8' 11".

Shout out to my homegirl Irma Heier Naughton Alton High Class of '36. Who may or may not have dated Wadlow.

7:07 - World's longest on-screen kiss? Or World's longest on-screen vertical kiss?

7:13 – If this kiss was a diving competition, Rowdy Gains would be praising Sean's vertical entry.

"Cynthia, If those stupid noses weren't in the way, that'd be a perfect 90 degree kiss!"

7:17 - What about porn? Does that count? Because I have to imagine that some kissing fetish porn exists where there is more than 3:17 of contiguous kissing.

*Goes to RedTube*

Ok, maybe not.

7:25 - So, in order, the top 3 dream Bachelor contestants?

3: Chris Harrison. Just got divorced; would be so meta.

2: Manti Te'o. If that Twitter shit fooled him, imagine what these girls would do to his head.

1. TC. That's Tom Cruise. I would pay money, to watch that season. Big money.

7:35 – Beach volleyball time. I.E when the men that are forced into watching this show silently look up to the sky and mouth 'thank you' to Baby Jesus.

7:37 – I Googled "Karch Kiraly Sad". This was the best I could find. But somewhere, on some beach, he weeps for what he just saw.

7:39 – And then this happened…

 
                             
 
7:53FACE PALM!

Kacie B. Looks like she hired LeBron's PR company for The Decision Part 2. She's taking her talents to South BEAT, because she's going home tonight.

Sorry.

8:04 - Tierra is the Troy Aikman of The Bachelor.

8:18 – Seth MacFarlane has a country band now. That guy does it all.

8:38 – "I've never felt so cared for in my entire life"

Was that…

A) Sarah talking about her upbringing by her parents amidst a challenging disability?

B) Sarah talking about her relationship with her previous boyfriend, who she admitted she was still great friends with?

C) Sarah seeing her dog that a producer drove across LA to get and stick in the back of a Towncar?

C. 

The answer is C. 

8:43 - FACE PALM!

Kacie B. Is having a rough episode. 

CUT - Kristy, Taryn (who may or may not have been on the show the past 2 weeks)

NEXT WEEK – Bow ties, racially charged sexual innuendo, roller derby, aggressive sneakiness, plagues of bad energy. 

 
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Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 3


It’s week 3 of The Bachelor: Winemaker. BachelorBen

Last week our protagonist strayed far, far from his comfort zone and took the harem to… Sonoma. This week he’s getting real crazy and going to… his hometown of San Francisco. Here’s hoping for a Merton Hanks cameo. 

Let’s Date…

7:03 – No. Actually your sister would hate The Model. With every fiber of her being. 

7:05 – “This will be a very funny story to tell later on in life.” And with that, The Winemaker’s sister has written the epitaph for every Bachelor season in the history of The Bachelor. Well played.

7:14 – Learn from Doc’s mistakes. Never, ever list your real fears to The Bachelor Producers. They’ll use that shit against you in ways that you don’t want to know. I proabably would have left the show if you asked me to climb a bridge.

7:22 – Online Dating Fail = signing up and getting sent your brother as your match. Ouch.

7:35 – Leap List. Is this a real thing? Oh, what’s that you say? It’s a clever marketing stunt by Honda? Of course it is. When you’re a cynical asshole and word comes up four times without prompting, your radar goes up. Those Hondas the girls drove to the slopes weren’t an accident. Because Honda bought a Super Bowl spot for their new campaign… called Leap List

7:47
– A girl left. I’m not 100% convinced she was actually on the show. But she left.


8:00
– Hey big, big news Matt, we’ve got you a gig booked on national TV!!! No, no – it’s not Letterman. You’ll actually be on The Bachelor. And we’re going to need to you play in a vacant city hall. For two terribly coordinated white people dancing in the atrium. With flashlights. (Also, second week in a row at City Hall. I smell a fetish.)


8:16
- THE FIRST L BOMB of 2012! We’re barely half way into Episode 3 and we’ve got an L BOMB. A new record!

8:18 – Shawntel. Is. Back. The mystery player has been revealed and it’s America’s favorite funeral director. The Womack buried their relationship on The Bachelor circa 2011, but love doesn’t die easy. It’s been resurrected. Sorry.

8:21 – JFK had a secret room he took Marylin Monroe? Pimp.

8:32
– “Dumpster Trash”. “Brad’s Leftovers”. “Thick Thighs”. The Winemaker was right, the other girls are being really welcoming. 


8:44
– The Model has her bluff called. A security intervention will probably be needed to get her off the set. She’s like a Transformer for sterotypes. When the all come together they assemble something more than, ahem, meets the eye.


8:50
– Orange Juice? Orange Juice! Exactly what’s needed when you’re passing out. And make sure it doesn’t have any fucking pulp!


8:53
- Ben has decided not to administer a final rose tonight. Vanquishing Shawntel, the fainter and tears for fears in one fell swoop. That’s ripe move there, 
Winemaker. One only a well aged man might make.

Next Week:

What are you laughing at? YOU.

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