Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 5

It wasn't meant to be last week. 

No, not the Cards Diaspora Live Blog… Clare and that super exotic food called calamari. Ah, but before you mount your high horse, maybe, just maybe, Clare is a fan of NPR. As such, she's heard the This American Life episode that explores if calamari is actually pig anus.

Eww, right?

Well, you might be the one we should be judging. Because it's a possibility that that last app you ordered was 'bung'. Go ahead, listen to the whole episode and make up your own mind. But let's not pillory Clare for protesting a group food cheer before knowing all the facts. 

Oh, and Psy? Was he busy?

Apologies for missing a post. But if we're going to miss an episode, it appears we picked the right one. Effort effort will be made to never let it happen again. 

Tonight, Juan Pablo takes his harem to Vietnam. Local currency? The Dong

Coincidence? Probably not.

Let's date…

7:04 - I have a theory. Renee isn't actually a contestant. She's a good friend of Juan Pablo sent to soak up all the drama in the house. When the cut goes from 4 to 3, she doesn't get a rose – BUT WAIT – it doesn't matter, because she's about to spill her guts to JP. I'd set the line at 10 to 1 on this. Let's see if she gets a kiss.

7:13 – Note to self, do not order the mango. 

7:28 – I'm moving the line to 7 to 1 now. Lots of opportunities for that first kiss. All of them passed. And then some plausible deniability about 'her having a son' to put a bow on a very plutonic date? I'm not buying it. Rene is THE MOLE!

7:32 – Bumper boats in Vietnam suck. 

7:36 – On the very off-chance that you actually waned to learn something tonight, the Vietnamese 'hats' that everyone keeps referencing are called Non La. The more you know.

7:46 – Clare is pretty much pwning this group date. 

7:48 – Serious question: is seeing someone as a "panda in a room full of brown bears" a colloquial expression? I Google'd it and couldn't find anything. I don't even know what it's supposed to mean. Anyone? 

7:59 - And that, kids, is a currency exchange. HIYO!

8:06 – Were you curious about US & Vietnam relations? Formal relations officially started in 1995 under President Clinton and have grown more friendly in the years since. There is a bilateral trade agreement between the countries as well as textile and aviation agreements. A recent 2002 poll found that over 70% of Vietnamese view Americans favorably

8:10 – Repelling repelling from Nikki, frankly. 

8:33 – Welp. I didn't say it was a good theory. Renee gets her moment. And it appears to have evoked buyers remorse from Juan Pablo on his ocean romp.

8:36 – YOU RUINED THAT CHILD, CLARE. YOU SEX CRAZED SEA MONSTER.

8:45 – Why didn't he say no? Lady, I don't know much in this life. But when a girl asks you to go swim in the ocean at 4 o'clock in the morning, you go swim in the ocean. 

CUT – Danielle, Kelly, Alli

NEXT WEEK – Speed boating, waterfall kissing, ocean makeout fallout, unclear women, bad process, tears, emotional highs and lows. 

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Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 5

Last week we had some Iraqi elbow jobs (dropped over Baghdad), a very misguided young lady learning the hard way how prostitutes are really treated and and roller skating. 

But tonight?

Part 1 of a 2 night Bachelor spectacular. That's right. 4 hours in two nights. Oh, and PETULANCE! PETULANCE ABOUNDS!

(Ed. Note: Tonight, I attended a small get together for this show. Why does this matter? It doesn't really, I guess. But I did learn some things…

1 – Women are brutal to other women. 

2 – Where I come from (Venice IL) snitches get stitches. But it appears to be a divisive dating tactic. 

3 – Women hate other women.)

7:01 – Pack your bags ladies…. you're going to… MONTANA!

(CLICK HERE for full effect)

7:16 – That square is literally every single person in Montana. When told that this would come on TV later in the fall and winter, well, they shot and ate that producer. They weren't all that familiar with hipsters and reacted.

7:25 – Goat Milk? Goat Milk. 

                      

7:37 - Valid point. Spend time vigorously jerking a goats udder and then drinking the results deserves something, right? Because that image above is getting co-opted by Cinemax late-night in 3…2…

7:41 – Wait, how'd she get a blue team shirt? Is she wearing someone elses clothes? Is this an amazing coincidence? 

7:51 – "Two women, one rose. One stays and one goes." Chris Harrison is a dick.

7:55 – Just got an e-mail from a west coast viewer:  "I have a story idea that basically follows the Bachelor but at some point, a horrible, bubonic plague type illness (or rabid case of crabs or a zombie invasion or the power grid shuts down) sets in on the cast and crew over a 3 week span and everyone except the bachelor and one girl survive. I need to tease it out a little more but you get the idea."

8:01 – The old 'dead boyfriend' card? Played. Not much you can do there Jackie. That's The Bachelor immunity idol. 

8:35 – "I'm not a drama person at all." Right

8:44 - You know who would have been good to fill all that time during the Super Bowl yesterday? Chris Harrison. That's who. When the director behind the camera needs someone to stretch a shot, no one is better. No one.

8:55 – Welp. It was a good run. Let the lawsuits begin!

CUT: Jackie, Robyn

TOMORROW NIGHT: Hypothermia. More Hypothermia. Breathing tubes. Possible mass deaths. 

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Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 5

It’s week 5 of The Bachelor: Winemaker. BachelorBen

Last week we were down, down on the range. Where the fly fishin’ is fly and the Clay Walkers are music “superstars”. The Model also came out of her shell and started down the path of stardom. Can she press on the gas even harder?

7:00 – A fedora and linen make for a very fine Tommy Bahama ad. They don’t, however, provide “Latin Swagger”.

7:05 – While wearing a Be Nice shirt, The Model informs us, twice, that bitches need to check themselves. And it’s completely un-ironic. I love this show so very much.

7:07 – While at the sno-cone stand, Niki says “we’re doing things we’ve never done before”. You know, like eating a dick shaped, flesh colored sno-cone. 

7:12 – Rule #1 of Latin Swagger Club? You don’t talk about your Latin Swagger. 

7:13Pachelbel Cannon? Did you know that was the name of the song they play when a bride enters a wedding? Yes? Then you like the comfort of a man in your bed. Or are The Winemaker. (Ed. Note: This actually sparked a mini-debate. One viewer in the room said that every beginners piano book has this song and that most musical people would know this.)

7:30
– FINALLY. A reason to legitimately put these Live Blogs on this site… BEISBOL! And they’re playing a game for a date? Has Bud Selig been advising The Bachelor? That’d be so sweet if he showed up and had to call a tie.


7:33
– That locker room was definitely a porn set at one time. 


7:35
– Roberto Clemente’s last name was Walker? 


7:38
– “Who knew strippers could play baseball.” “They had their shot at the championship. Come on, rub some dirt on it, walk it off”. The Model is a quote machine. She’s, shall we say, a major league shit talker? 

7:38 – Sorry.

7:51 - Previous relationships? You want to know about The Winemaker’s relationships Kaci B? He got down on a knee, proposed and then got dumped. All in front of 8 million people watching on national TV. Google it. It’ll be less awkward. 

7:56 – When models want to go skinny dipping, just say yes. You’ll never regret it. Ever.

8:05 – One on one with Elyse, who has the body every guy lifting at your gym wants.

8:13
- Axed. But not before he picked up the rose, started with the sweet talk and proclaimed that he was banishing him… errr… her home. Get on that dinghy woman. And sail off into that dark ocean called life.


8:26
– “I don’t know if he’s every skinny dipped with a model before. Could be fun, you never know.” 


8:30
– “Hopefully I’m a site for sore eyes. After that date with Elyse, I bet his eyes are sore.”


8:31
– And the fully nude skinny dip happens. The WInemaker give his aerator a little tug before he hits the cold ocean water. Pretty vetrean move for a guy that tried to turn fully nude skinnydipping with a model down. Twice.


8:39
- The Model is a star. She is having batting .430 with 25 HRS and 90 RBI’s halfway through the season. I don’t think we have a limit on where she can take this season.

8:47 – Let the cutting begin.

8:51 – Big Red is done. Not even her excellent kissing was able to keep her alive. If there was an award for most pathetic sounding cry, she’d win the final rose for that.

Next Week? 

My Mojo? Rising. 
 
 

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