Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 6

Look at me. LOOK AT ME. 

When Juan Pablo is (possibly?) sex shaming you, eye contact is paramount. It's not your chin, it's his handlebar. Sight will not be averted. 

Bachelor pundits have debated all week on if JP coitused Clare in the bath-like Vietnamese ocean. And I can't stand with any strong purpose on either side.

But I can tell you that when Slate is running think pieces about how perverted The Bachelor has made sexual issues in America, something has gone off the rails. 

Couple Juan Pablo's weirdness about a consensual late night romp, walking back anti-gay statements and the overall pent-up sexualness of Sean and Katherine's wedding special turning chastity into a myopic single-note hour of innuendo… well, friends, we're in a sticky wicket of humanities. 

I just wanted to see some babes.

Let's date…

7:05 – Andi has said 'one on one' one million times in the past three weeks. I rewound and counted. I don't know how girls work, but if her new nickname when she gets home isn't 'one on one', then I'm embarrassed for everyone. 

7:15 – You wanted the one on one, Andi. You HAD to HAVE IT. Well here it is. Respect the one on one. 

7:20 – For every tandem bungee jump and repelling adventure that we bag on the producers for mailing it in with, we should give them digital fist bumps for finding this waterfall. Solid location scouting.

Seriously, though, stop with the bungee jumps. 

7:36 – I'm  22 today! I bet he's really going to see me as the mature woman I am. (Gets tickled.)

7:47 – Ladies, come take your turn at Juan Pablo's kissing log. Here's how it works: you come sit down and talk. He pretends to listen. Then he'll kiss you. While you sit on a log. It's Juan Pablo's kissing log!

7:49 – Or we can forget about the talking. Either way. Kissing log!

7:56 – I mean, Juan Pablo. It's her birthday, brother. Couldn't we have put this off for another couple of hours and let her enjoy it. Also, if your choices are wet hair or that umbrella, make the right one next time. 

8:12 – Correct me if I'm wrong, but just how in the hell is what Clare and JP did in the ocean any different that what they are literally doing RIGHT NOW. They are 2 feet from the water? What happened in that temperate Vietnamese bath ocean? Will we ever know?

Also, I came across this funny prank today. It's worth a watch. Thanks to Ms. Kirchner for posting it. 

8:31 – Does Chris Harrison have Bob Costas eye? Or was that just the light hitting his right side wrong? Is Bob Costas eye the new thing for pro broadcasters? Did LaRussa start a trend

8:44 – We're hitting an interesting inflection point for The Bachelor. Chelsie just said all of the right things that a winning contestant on this show would say. (Update: and it probably knocked Kat out.) But think about it. She's 24. She's been watching this show since she's been 12, or basically her entire life that she's cared about boys. She grew up on this game. She knows how to win. And over the next couple of years more 'Chelsies' are going to be cast that know how to play the game. 

CUT: Cassandra, Kat

NEXT WEEK: Miami, big boats, more kissing, little voices, being unsure, doubt becomes an advantage, wool pulling, f-bombs, not getting away with it, JP can not be happy right now. 


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Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 6

Last night we had goat milk bukkake, taunting date cards from Harrison and dead boyfriend cards being played. 

But tonight?

Part 2 of a 2 night Bachelor spectacular. Or as it's known in the biz, the night an entire cast is lost to hypothermia. Unless the promos we've been seeing for 6 fucking weeks are lying, all the roses distributed tonight will be BLACK.

8:05 – Montana is looking like a tropical paradise. 

8:08 – I won't name names, but there are women in my office that turn space heaters on when it's 90 degrees outside. You want more proof these contestants are actors? Not a single bitch, moan or gripe from a 105 pound girl in Siberia East. 

8:15 – That nose ring? It's not a signal to the world that Catherine is available for sexy time at your convenience. It's a symbol of life lived to the fullest. Also, the last two dates have featured DEATH. Foreshadowing???

8:26 – "I might die!" ABC is being very caviler with their teases about this whole situation. 

8:36 – Any moment now…

Ok. Here we go…
The Angel Of Death is descending upon this polar bear plunge. And… wait, what? AHHHHH!!!


It's a GINGER! I don't EVER want to die!

8:44 – She lived? Damn you ABC. Oh, and while we're here, let's check in a see just how long you have to be exposed to cold water to get hypothermia. 

8:54 – What are these picture paper things Sarah has? 
8:56 – I counted 8 full pumps of perfume. That should be literally a criminal offense.
9:06 – Sarah is getting dumped. If hushed, halted monotones had a Super Bowl, it might. be. this. conversation. 
9:19 – Really got to lean back into your repel. I heard someone say that once.
9:26 – Maybe you're thinking that living in a tent is something Dez did with her family because they eschewed wealth and material possessions. But, no. It's apparently a thing. Fucking hipsters. 
9:35 – That kiss just would have sent 43 children to the gas chamber under the Saddam Hussein regime. Progress, people. 
9:43 – AshLee has a future at NPR. I'm calling my shot now. 
9:51 – 2 more going home? This season could be wrapped up by Valentine's Day. 

CUT: Sarah, Selma, Daniella 

NEXT WEEK: Love. Falling in love. I love you. Being above everyone. Perfection not attained. Manipulation. 


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Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 6

It’s week 6 of The Bachelor: Winemaker. BachelorBen

Last week The Model took her clothes off and… hmmm… I think some other shit happened? But The Model definitely got naked. Let’s get it.

7:03 – The Model on Panama City: “It’d be great to go skinny dipping here too!”

7:05 – The Model on The Winemakers date with Kaci B: “He’s trying to weed out the ones he’s unsure of.”

7:08 – Coconut ‘whacking’ is Kaci B’s big turn on? 

7:16 – The eating disorder lasted “about a year”? Are they like mononucleosis? Sophomore year? I think any eating disorder needs to have a longer shelf life than a Christmas stollen to get sympathy roses. But that’s just me. 

7:25 – The Model on canoe rides: “I’m sooooooo wet.”

7:26 – Here’s a picture of The Model showing her bare breasts to 3 little boys.

7:36 – Seabiscuit again references her ‘Dumpsville’ residence. We’re 6 weeks in. How does a rich, hot girl get dumped by text message? It doesn’t happen like that. Where is the skeleton? Why isn’t The Winemaker pressing harder to find out? GAH!

7:41 – The Model on her competition: “These girls are so immature. A lot of them aren’t even that sexual. They’re making it easy on me.” You’d have to hate her if she wasn’t 100% correct.

7:49 – Poor Doctor. She’s so out of her element here. When you’re at the zoo, you watch the tigers. You can even enjoy the tigers. But don’t dangle meat on a stick over the cage. Because the tiger is going take the meat. And you’re left to play with your own stick.

8:03 – “She uses her sexuality a lot with Ben. I don’t know why.” If you ever thought that nose rings equaled promiscuous, Rachel is proving you wrong. 

8:12 – We’ve got a SCRAPPER people! We’ve got a SCRAPPER. Blakely has a full on scrapbook replete with The Winemaker’s full name scribbled on the front. It’s time to abort this mission, Ben, I don’t care how spectacular the breasts. ABORT!

8:15 – Ladies, when you get that urge to scrapbook, step back, take a moment, collect yourself, then don’t.

8:16 – We have to assume that last scrapbook page is a picture of Ben with whoever wins the Bachelor covered in pig blood, right?

8:22 – A scrapper and a CHEATER! Casey S is ‘pratically living’ with some character named Michael back in the States. He’s probably not happy with his fiancee playing a gameshow where the big prize at the end is getting married. Or not. Maybe he’s cool like that.

8:23 – “Maybe I should be in therapy or something.” This season has certainly found the most self-aware contestants.

8:32 – The Winmaker banishes Casey back home to be with her boyfriend. And while she takes that long limo ride home, she tries to muster up some tears that don’t materialize. She’s a rare dry crier. A make-up manufacturer’s wet dream.

8:44 – How cute. The divorcee is falling in love and has no idea she’s being cut next week.

8:47 – Is this her first kiss? 

8:48 – Did she see this move in a Teen Beat one time? 

– This is her first kiss. 

– We have our fist 4 knuckle in mouth cringe of the year. I’m embarrassed for everyone. 

– Jamie gets the smooch… of death. Our third of the night. 

Next week?

Hint: The Model does not not get a rose.  



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