Look at me. LOOK AT ME.
When Juan Pablo is (possibly?) sex shaming you, eye contact is paramount. It's not your chin, it's his handlebar. Sight will not be averted.
Bachelor pundits have debated all week on if JP coitused Clare in the bath-like Vietnamese ocean. And I can't stand with any strong purpose on either side.
But I can tell you that when Slate is running think pieces about how perverted The Bachelor has made sexual issues in America, something has gone off the rails.
Couple Juan Pablo's weirdness about a consensual late night romp, walking back anti-gay statements and the overall pent-up sexualness of Sean and Katherine's wedding special turning chastity into a myopic single-note hour of innuendo… well, friends, we're in a sticky wicket of humanities.
I just wanted to see some babes.
7:05 – Andi has said 'one on one' one million times in the past three weeks. I rewound and counted. I don't know how girls work, but if her new nickname when she gets home isn't 'one on one', then I'm embarrassed for everyone.
7:15 – You wanted the one on one, Andi. You HAD to HAVE IT. Well here it is. Respect the one on one.
7:20 – For every tandem bungee jump and repelling adventure that we bag on the producers for mailing it in with, we should give them digital fist bumps for finding this waterfall. Solid location scouting.
Seriously, though, stop with the bungee jumps.
7:36 – I'm 22 today! I bet he's really going to see me as the mature woman I am. (Gets tickled.)
7:47 – Ladies, come take your turn at Juan Pablo's kissing log. Here's how it works: you come sit down and talk. He pretends to listen. Then he'll kiss you. While you sit on a log. It's Juan Pablo's kissing log!
7:49 – Or we can forget about the talking. Either way. Kissing log!
7:56 – I mean, Juan Pablo. It's her birthday, brother. Couldn't we have put this off for another couple of hours and let her enjoy it. Also, if your choices are wet hair or that umbrella, make the right one next time.
8:12 – Correct me if I'm wrong, but just how in the hell is what Clare and JP did in the ocean any different that what they are literally doing RIGHT NOW. They are 2 feet from the water? What happened in that temperate Vietnamese bath ocean? Will we ever know?
Also, I came across this funny prank today. It's worth a watch. Thanks to Ms. Kirchner for posting it.
8:44 – We're hitting an interesting inflection point for The Bachelor. Chelsie just said all of the right things that a winning contestant on this show would say. (Update: and it probably knocked Kat out.) But think about it. She's 24. She's been watching this show since she's been 12, or basically her entire life that she's cared about boys. She grew up on this game. She knows how to win. And over the next couple of years more 'Chelsies' are going to be cast that know how to play the game.
CUT: Cassandra, Kat
NEXT WEEK: Miami, big boats, more kissing, little voices, being unsure, doubt becomes an advantage, wool pulling, f-bombs, not getting away with it, JP can not be happy right now.